I lost all my interest with life, with people, with my family. It was as if I was slowly sliding down the hill. I tried to focus a lot on my baby, my daughter, but as the days went past, it was like the darkness was starting to creep in and eventually, it got to a point where I didn't wanna get out of bed.
No one understood what I was going through, people were saying things like, "Yes, it's difficult to be a mum. A first-time mum, it's always hard." But in my heart, I knew that it shouldn't have to be that hard.
I just couldn't sleep. Like there would be this internal, almost like a clock that just kept ticking away and that sort of escalated into panic attacks. I was very overwhelmed, and I thought, "I need help, but I feel trapped."
Life was just too hard to live, I just don't want to be here anymore, I just didn't want to be on this earth anymore. Probably, from a mother's perspective, I felt... Because I was feeling just so disgusted with myself, that I felt my children deserved a better parent. And I look at my daughter and the guilt really kicked in, and I thought, "Well, she's such a beautiful little baby, I couldn't have asked for a healthier little baby and yet, why am I feeling like this?"
It started off one morning when I just could not get out of bed. I was lying under the covers, and I heard my little pitter-patter of footsteps as my children ran into the bedroom to try and wake me up. And I looked at them, and they said to me, "Mummy, Mummy, wake up, we want you to wake up." And that was my lifeline. I mustered up whatever was left of me on the inside, and I managed to get out of the bed, and made an appointment to see my GP.
Lots of bumps and hurdles along the way, so I don't know if I'd call it smooth, but the outcome was a very positive outcome. My advice would be, "Don't be afraid, come out of your shell and speak up because there is help out there".