00:09: I went to work, I did the radio show, and then I went to the hospital, and I gave birth. That's how much in denial I was over the pregnancy. I was looking at the birth as something I had just to get through, get it done, spend a week getting over it, and then just get straight back in to life as though nothing had happened. So, Odette arrived and she was a dream baby. She slept, and she ate, and she was happy all the time, but I was having real trouble connecting with her. In about a month, I knew something wasn't right because I knew the euphoria of a new baby with my first child. I remember just being so in love instantly, but with Odette, I just... I felt like I've been given someone else's child, like she was a stranger to me, and I'd hear her crying, and I didn't instantly wanna rush to see if she was okay. I almost resented it.
00:59: I knew that the way I was feeling was wrong and I was constantly... Who am I to be feeling flat, and upset, and disconnected, because I have a great job, and a supportive husband, and my other child was... She's amazing, and I've got a healthy beautiful baby who sleeps, no colic, and still I wasn't satisfied. So I just, I felt like a terrible person. I felt like a bad mother. I had terrible insomnia because I was awake worrying about how I was feeling or what I wasn't feeling. I just couldn't find any joy in anything, and I was having to pretend for three hours every day on air that I was okay, that I would get off of being on radio, and just being miserable cow.
01:41: A couple of times during that year, some people close to me brought up that, "You're not yourself. Are you okay?" And I rejected that pretty quickly. I was biting a lot of people's heads off at that point. And I was always saying, "How dare you suggest I am not coping? I have so much on my plate. I'm doing a really good job." But I was nervous that they were starting to see through the facade that I had put up. I was not receptive to people suggesting I needed help. Behind closed doors, I just... I felt like I was in a fog. I didn't feel anything, and I just... I felt guilty all the time. It was just crushing, it was breath-taking guilt. I was scared to tell people how I was feeling because I knew it was wrong and I didn't wanna be judged. I was lying to everyone around me 'cause the truth was pretty awful. I woke up one morning, and the thought of getting up, and breast feeding Odette, and going to the radio station just crushed me. So I turned to Scott, my husband, and I said, "I can't do it today," and he asked me what I meant, and I said, "Life. I just... I can't."
02:50: So, he said to me, "Well, I think you need to go and see your doctor about maybe you iron levels or... Maybe they can give you something to help you sleep," and I went to see my GP. And I explained to him my symptoms and she said to me, "Em, you're not tired, you've got postnatal depression," And I said, "No, I don't." Of course, I knew better than the professional, I knew. And she said, "Yes you do and we need to get you into some treatment very quickly." I went to worse-case scenario straight away, and when I said to her, "What do you mean by treatment? Do you mean like electric shock therapy or... What do you mean?" And she said, "No, we're just gonna... You're gonna go see a psychiatrist. You're gonna get some medication. You're gonna do some counselling." I was surprised at how easy it was to get the help once I got it and I wish I had had gone much earlier. I realised straight away that I've got it within a month of giving birth. I think... If it's possible, I think I had it before I gave birth.
03:54: The assistance I got and the support that I got after the diagnosis helped me realise that what I was feeling was okay. That it didn't make me a bad person. That it didn't make me a bad mother. It was okay, and it was something that could be treated and fixed. It didn't mean that from here and to eternity, I am gonna be this awful, cold person. There was a reason for it. So, that gave me hope, and there was a slow recovery, and there was ups and downs, and some days were better than others. But slowly the clouds parted, slowly the sun came out again, and Odette and I, now are closer than ever. It hasn't affected our relationship now, but I really wish that I had have gone, and got help that month point when I knew that I was disconnected, and something was wrong, and it wasn't right. I really wish I would have just said something then, rather than go through almost a year of awful pain and suffering.
04:52: That's what I would say to any woman, go as soon as you don't feel well, go as soon as you feel angry towards you newborn for no reason. Snapping at people, even if you think you've got one symptom of what I've just said, go to your doctor. Because it is so simple to get diagnosed and it is so simple to start getting a bit of joy back and recovery.
05:13: My advice to women who maybe feeling a bit disconnected from the above or just crap sad, angry is go and get help. Speak up about it. Tell your other half, tell your mother, tell someone. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Go to your doctor, tell them, and that's it, you're not on your own anymore. You contain it to language and you're in control, but if you stay home, and you lay awake, and it's rattling around in your mind, it goes to awful dark, sad places. And it's the loneliest feeling. It's lonely and it's awful, and no mother... You've been through enough. So, you just say it out loud and then it's out there, and you can deal with it.