Supporting your partner with anxiety or depression

What you can do to help

• Remember that you are a support person, not a health professional. You don’t have to know everything or provide advice – rather, focus on providing practical help and emotional support.
• Be guided by your partner as to what sort of support they need. Accept that this will change – often from moment to moment.
• Try to validate your partner’s experiences or worries and understand that these are very real for the person experiencing them. 
• Don’t dismiss their feelings or concerns, even if you think these issues are not rational or in proportion to the situation.
• It can be helpful to think of postnatal anxiety or depression as a crisis that, with support and treatment, will pass. This doesn’t mean that it’s not serious or distressing – but it doesn’t have to last forever.
• Taking care of yourself and your own health is really important and will help you be the best support you can be for your partner. It’s important to recognise that this is hard on you too – you’re not superman. Get support for yourself if you need it. 

What to say

Reinforcing to your partner that they’re not alone and that it’s not their fault can help them move past feelings of shame and guilt, which is often an important step towards seeking professional support.

Try saying things like:

• “You donʼt have to suffer – if it gets too hard, you can ask for support.”
• “You’re not the only one – plenty of other women go through this.”
• “This is something that’s happening to you. It’s not your fault – this is a health condition and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
• “Anxiety and depression wonʼt go away on their own – you need to get support.”
• “I’m here for you, and we can do this together. But if we leave it, the situation will get worse.”
• “I understand that you can’t see how things can get better, but lots of women have gone through this and come out the other side.”

What not to do

There are plenty of ways you can help your partner. These are not among them.

Take things personally

People experiencing anxiety or depression can sometimes lash out at those closest to them, or say negative, hurtful things that they don’t necessarily mean. Recognise when the condition is talking and try not to take it on board.  

Make big life decisions

Now is not the best time to make big life decisions about things like your relationship, career or your house. There’s plenty of time to make changes in the future.

Try to fix things

You don’t need to solve every problem or always be ‘right’. It can be hard to put this aside, especially if you’re used to being the ‘fixer’, but don’t underestimate how helpful it can be to simply listen.   

Beat yourself up

When you do the wrong thing or get frustrated with each other, it’s easy to blame yourself. Try to stay on the same side in the battle against anxiety and depression. Accept that sometimes this won’t happen, but it’s how you repair things between you that’s more important.