I had my first baby in July.
While pregnant I wasn't too excited. I had wanted children but the gravity of the situation was starting to hit home. My baby was breech so I had to have an elective caesarean. Going into surgery I was petrified. When they showed me my baby I didn't feel anything and I felt so guilty. Thankfully he took to breastfeeding easily so that was one less thing to worry about.
I had to travel 600km from our home to have my baby in a capital city - near to where all of mine and my husband's families live. While in hospital I started to realise how much harder it was going to be going back home where I had minimal support. I started having panic attacks.
We went back home 2 weeks after our baby was born and I was doing OK. We had to travel back to the city when he was 6 weeks old for an ultrasound on his hip. It was on this trip that my anxiety got really bad and I ended up at the hospital one night with a screaming baby at my wits end. My obstetrician happened to be on duty and it was then that we all realised how bad the situation was. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and had to remain in the city living with my parents so I could get the help I needed. Thankfully my husband's employer is flexible and he could work in the city to be with me.
I am seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist as well as taking medication. I am incredibly anxious about sleep and have done so much reading that I am now confused. This has made things much worse. I can't live in the moment, I am constantly worried about things that have yet (and may not) even happen.
I am slowly getting better and we are looking at moving back to the city so I have my support network around me. I still feel guilty but I know that what I am feeling is normal. I am hopeful I will get better.