Into the Light

by BaillieNSW on  27 November 2014
How do you begin to describe the feeling of wanting to run away from your entire life? I created elaborate plans in my addled, sleep deprived mind, of how to escape. I wasn't coping. I hadn't been coping since the fourth month of my second pregnancy. Now I know I'd been faking it since my first child was six months old but didn't consciously acknowledge anything until I discovered myself crying uncontrollably every day for a week when my toddler decided that an afternoon nap was for sissies. Everything started crashing in around me. Personal relationships disintegrated in the face of my all consuming rage. I walked out on midwife appointments at the hospital. If strangers asked me how I was I either dissolved into tears or snarled vicious words at them. My husband got icy glares and hard edged words spat with such vitriol it makes me ashamed. The baby was overdue. I was hanging on by my fingernails and by 40 weeks 5 days I was walking around the park for over two hours in a desperate bid to get this baby out of my body. I tried to convince myself that it was all hormones and once he was born everything would go back to "normal". I was a long way from normal. I couldn't even remember who I used to be let alone know the way back to that person. I asked my GP to check my thyroid levels, hoping that what I was feeling was physical but it wasn't and when I saw him two weeks later he wasn't surprised. My first round of meds did little to alleviate my symptoms, especially the hopelessness I felt. I began to think about ending my life, so they wouldn't label me a bad mother and take my children away even though I didn't want to be near them. I was beyond torn, I was completely shredded. I turned to my friend who'd been through it all before and three days later I was checking into a mother and baby psych unit for treatment. It's two years on and I'm feeling better every day. I'm not hiding anymore. I'm using my voice and sharing my story with anyone who asks and have banished shame from my life. I'm not ashamed to have had PND. I'm proud that I've come through the other side and hopefully, by speaking up and out I can inspire other women to seek help. Help other women put one foot in front of the other and get this insidious, crappy, dark affliction into the sunshine so no one has to suffer in silence again

Just Speak Up

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