I fell head over heels in love for the first time with someone. One thing led to the other and soon enough, I became pregnant (whilst on the pill, strangely!). I, being naive, clumsy me, didn't know until quite late.
I didn't have morning sickness, but did have a stomach ache and dizziness for a bit. That was put down to having now three jobs, no time to eat and a stomach bug going around one of the offices. I had irregular periods, so skipping one or two was nothing new.
I had a suspicion I was pregnant, but very hopeful I wasn't. I was denial.
I was given the opportunity to work up north and gladly took it - yay running away from the city! Alas, that fell through and I had to stay with no work here. That's when my parents found out I was pregnant. Boom. Ouch. Naturally, they were angry and upset. The father had become estranged - we'd stopped talking after my third job. I found him- he replied "I'll have to tell my fiance". He'd been engaged for quite some time. He said he'd be there for the baby and asked me to move in with him.
All at once I thought my dreams had come true and I fell madly in love with him again. Oh silly little girl I was! It didn't happen.
I had the baby after a tiring labour, a beautiful, gorgeous little girl who now keeps my heart and helped me grow up (a bit). However, I went through a rough time. Bub didn't feed or sleep much at all and did all these things no one talks about and I didn't expect. You truly just don't know what will happen until you have a child! All this left me feeling like a zombie from day one. I still feel like an empty, zombified wreck many days now.
Endless days stretched out and even though I had support, I found it hard on no sleep and the father marrying someone else. I felt strangely bitter towards him, when I knew I shouldn't. He chose his life, that was fine, I had my own and thought that I should be happy with that, sort of.
One day a friend who had joined in on the mothers group our child health nurse had started simply looked me in the eye and said "You are not OK. You're not happy." and I cried. I couldn't stop crying after that.
I couldn't seem to be happy, I always felt empty, numb, tired. I didn't care about anything, not even my daughter. I started to feel I didn't love her. I got help from the community child health nurse and specialists and am glad to say after a struggle, I am coping better now. It's hard - every day is a struggle, but things are getting better!