This is not how everyone told me it would be!

by CassieVIC on  25 November 2015

How to I begin to describe the feeling of wanting to run away from my entire life & start again from scratch. I planned goodbye notes that I’d leave on the coffee table for my fiancé,ways to withdraw money from my accounts & places I’d go, I wouldn’t be found.

I knew from the beginning that something wasn’t right.People told me throughout my tumoltuous pregnancy that it’ll all be worth it when my baby is born and that euphoric love sets in.

Following a traumatic labour,my baby boy was born.I immediately noticed my fiancé & my mum hugging with joyous tears & then realised I felt nothing but shock.How did my fiancé have such a beaming smile when he looked at our son,but I felt nothing?This is not how everyone told me it would be!

I knew something was really wrong when I started to resent his cries.The feeling of needing to rush to his bassinet quickly disappeared and turned into anger & frustration.I knew what I was feeling wasn’t normal.I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep,I’d lay up at night thinking about how horrible I am,what a terrible parent I am & that my fiancé & my son would be better off without me.The guilt was the worst part,ohhh the guilt,it was all consuming.

I pretended I was fine to everybody.A few times people asked if I’m okay and quipped that I’m not myself,I started to fear people were seeing through my façade.

I’d watch my fiancé talk to our son,nurture & care for him & I’d feel envy.Why can’t I be like that?I am grateful he developed such a strong love & bond with our son so instantly as he still felt the love,warmth & affection that I struggled to provide.

I'd save my tears for the shower & I’d let it all out.I felt safe in there; like the water would wash away my tears & no one would be none the wiser.

It’s vital you speak up if you experience any of this,especially if you feel anger towards your newborn for no reason.I opened up to my fiancé & he pushed me to seek help.He researched it and told me over and over that I’m normal and can be fixed! I spoke with my GP,she reassured me that it's so common and made me feel normal.I’m so grateful I caught it early,so many other mothers don’t.It took over a month,but I now feel that maternal love.I am so grateful to my fam,my friends & most of all,my fiancé.He picked up my slack,made life easy for me,has been incredibly patient & most of all,understood what I was going through & encouraged me to get better.Without his patience,understanding & support,I have no idea where I’d be today.

Just Speak Up

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