My heart truly goes out to you as you face such challenges.
This is going to sound horrible to some but I found raising both my babies (who are now 14 and 17 years old) to be thoroughly depressing. I'd faced depression for many years leading up to them coming into this world so them giving me challenges I felt I was failing to meet was something which brought me down even further. It was actually PND group therapy which saw me leave my 15 years of depression behind me. I couldn't have done it without others who truly understood the torturous feelings depression can bring about. I'm so glad you came here.
While the chemistry that plays out in depression can offer answers as to why we feel the way we do, I can't help but wonder what you are feeling angry about.
I look back now and understand why I was feeling the way I was. A lot of situations and people seriously triggered me. To all those who said 'You need to try harder' when I couldn't breast feed successfully to the point where my nipples bled or where I was on the pump (stimulating milk) and hardly getting any sleep at all - 'You heartless thoughtless careless bunch!' My mum raised my consciousness, spirits and energy levels by telling me 'Stop it, this is killing you. You're putting the baby on formula'. To all the women who told me how wonderful motherhood is and how I must be doing something wrong 'Are you people insane?!' Who the heck says this sort of thing to a mum who feels like she's failing, to a mum with depression? Just thinking about these things triggers me Mhe. What makes you angry Mhe? Vent away. Really let loose if you want to.
I'm very conscious of the connection between mental and physical emotion these days. If I get really worked up in my head through mental emotion, it will trigger some pretty intense energy in motion physically. Getting mentally worked up will trigger the blood pressure in my head, my breathing, my muscles (tension) and more. Wondering if you're experiencing the same connection. Figuring out what suits you in the ways of venting is important. You want to be calming your systems down if you can. If you can't, looking to someone who can guide you may be the idea. Whether it involves venting your thoughts and emotion through words with a counselor or venting through guided breathing techniques, there are a number of options worth considering.
Making sense of all the thoughts in our head is a significant challenge. The thoughts are there for good reason.