Hi everyone !!
So let me give you some background info, I am in a very happy and healthy relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years and I honestly couldn't be happier. So backtrack a month when Stage 4 restrictions in Melbourne were announced, my mental health went way way way down hill. I was casually sitting there with my partner and the sudden thought came to my mind, "Do you love him?", I immediately felt anxious and became so distressed!! These thoughts have kept me up at night, has suppressed my appetite. I found myself constantly worrying about the thought even though I KNEW THE TRUTH!! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND, it's as simple as that! But my mind, would find the smallest things to feed the intrusive thought! which definitely made it worse. In the first week I would constantly try to reassure myself, try to look up online "Signs you are in love", "signs you are falling out of love", "are you in love quiz?" EVERYTHING YOU CAN NAME, I DID HAHA. Within the first week I wasn't eating, I had lost 5 kilos due to this, which was crazy! I even vomited twice to due severe high levels of anxiousness. Like how can this one thought get stuck in your mind for a month!! But now this is where things get unbelievably hilarious and even crazier! I had made myself so sick with the thought if I love my boyfriend, that I even had the thought "Am I thinking this because I am not even into guys?" Bear with me, I know it sounds crazy. I know that these thoughts are literally just made up in my brain because I have no desire to be with women, I have nothing against lesbians or anything, everyone is free to do what they want, It's just not who I am. But it's so funny because my brain would then pinpoint every little thing out and just find reasons to back up the intrusive thought. I even thought about the times to when I was little and your family members, like idk Auntie or Mum would think a kiss on the lips to your girl cousin at the age of 4 is cute. Stuff like that would convince me that I could maybe be lesbian, in which I am not. I had never had this thought before this period of time and never second guessed my sexuality. I just knew and know that I like guys.
I don't know if it's OCD because I am obsessing over the thought and finding compulsions like looking up stuff online to help relieve me of the distressed and upsetting feeling! I did also have a rough family upbringing due to family violence.
PLS TALK UP EVERYONE! I AM NOT ONE TO JUDGE
lets support eachother !! xx