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Topic: Am I to blame? ( I have nagging anxiety)

18 posts, 0 answered
  1. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    15 June 2020
    Last week my 90-year-old mother fell over onto her buttocks. She her hand was bleeding a little bit and she was winded but otherwise unhurt. I was upstairs at the time; I heard the crash and came racing down to see what had happened.

    I have three sisters and I did not think Mums fall warranted a call to them to say what had happened. A few days later one of my sisters calls Mum to ask her how she was. When she found out she texted me saying “she was disappointed that I hadn’t called her to let her know what had happened, and that I only think of myself”. I tried to call my sister but she would not accept my call. I then texted her and asked her to call when she had a chance and she responded by saying why should she. I wanted a chance to explain my reasons why not to call, I did not think it was a big deal Mum was not badly hurt

    I texted her back saying “at the end of the day Mum was okay” she responded with “yes and at the end of the day that I do not think anything of my 3 sisters”

    I did not react or respond to that. Though later on I did burst into tears on what had happened, delayed shock I guess or the nasty words texted to me.

    I really do not want to call my sister only again so she can have another go at me. I did try her and call but she would not accept my call.
    Right or wrong, I think I did the right for everyone. However, I would like to know what everyone else thinks. I have had a rocky relationship that was on the mend, it took this one thing and my sister was bringing up things in the past that are not a part of this
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8358 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    Hi, welcome

    Youve asked opinions on a situation whereby if your elderly mother has an incident whether to notify your sisters.

    My answer is- it depends on a number of things.

    • Her age
    • The nature of the incident
    • The medical result

    Bearing in mind the above and how easy it is to notify people nowadays by message I’d suggest yes, you should have told them. This is particularly important in a fragile or toxic relationship.

    However, you sister is now playing the sulking sister and is not negotiable on communication. Nearing that In mind I would word a message like this.-

    hi (names), I’m messaging you to. apologise for not informing you of mums latest fall. Initially as she was ok eg no serious injury) that it didn’t warrant it. I realise I was in error. I’m not perfect and don’t mind criticism however I do not think closing the door on communication allows for negotiation and it harms our family unit.

    I will notify you all by text every time mum has an incident.

    I hope This clarifies the situation.

    Thats how I would handle it. I hope that helps

    TonyWK

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8358 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to white knight

    By the way- please google

    beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

    beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

    TonyWK

  4. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to white knight
    I have just texted her. I now wait on tenderhooks for any reply she may send me
  5. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Slippers
    I got a long text in reply bringing up things that happened in the past, things that I cannot go and fix. I told her about not harming the family unit and she said that that was a joke.
  6. Emmen
    Community Champion
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    Emmen avatar
    301 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    Hi Slippers,

    Firstly, I'm glad to know your mum is okay now. It must have scared you terribly to hear the crash and find that she had fallen at her age.

    For me, your have not done anything wrong. In your position, I would have done the same. But people are different. Your sister has different expectations and clearly wishes to be notified of anything relating to your mum. It sounds like she also harbors a lot of anger because of past events. Her anger may not even have anything to do with you - she could be stressed or anxious about other things in her life and is taking it out on you this way. Either way, the best way you can manage your anxiety is to not dwell on your sister's behaviour.

    I feel like the best you can do at this point is just to inform her that you will notify her of any future incidents and leave it at that. Give her time to cool down because right now, she's still taking it out on you. For your own wellbeing, try to stop yourself from wondering who is to blame in this. After all, you can't change the past.

    Take care,
    M

  7. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    8358 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    Hi Slippers

    Well I’m proud of you.

    Your sister has confirmed the issues she has with you is vastly more than your mum falling.

    In such circumstances ignore those other issues. Or sometimes less is more eg you could text back and say “I’m glad you agree”

    In such situations - keep your distance. If your mum say- had a cry one day over arthritis pain, then text “mum in pain but upset”. If your sister is wanting more details she can ring you. If she texts you asking for more details tell her “if you want detail ring me, better than texting for 30 minutes”

    I wrote an article about such responses

    google

    beyondblue topic wit, the only answer to torment

    TonyWK

  8. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Emmen
    Thank you. I was sitting on the fence wondering whether I could have/should have done something different. I need to quiet my mind, i ruminate things that have happened in the past, some of which was from a number of years ago. For example i really liked this girl but i never had the courage to tell her how i felt till it was too late.

    Getting back on topic, I have said what i wanted to say to my sister. How long should I leave it before I try and contact her? I thought if i left it too long then i would be accused of ignoring her. Anyway I am going to bed now. I have stopped waking up in the middle of night worrying about what I could have done :)
  9. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to white knight
    Thank you. I felt a little silly posting this on the forum in the first place, my problem seemed so insignificant compared to some who use the forum here. I was told just a little while ago that it was better to share my feelings then bottle them up. Bottling them up could lead to more serious issues
    1 person found this helpful
  10. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8358 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    I’m glad you posted. Many people read these posts and learn

    TonyWK

  11. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    173 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Slippers
    hey slippers your post is not silly its truly inspiring and while asking for support you would of helped someone else good job.
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to josh1245
    How long should I leave it before I try and contact my sister again? I thought if i left it too long then i would be accused of ignoring her. Obviously she is angry, i want to give her time to cool down, but not enough time for her to think that I am ignoring her.

    P.S I always seem to be contacting her, she never really rings me to ask me how i am ( i know that sounds like sour grapes)
  13. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8358 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    No it isn’t sour grapes- it is perfectly understandable to feel it is a one sided relationship. Even knowing it’s one sided you still worry about when to contact her and this raises a problem- guilt.

    Guilt is damaging and you should, for mental health reasons, limit it to a tolerable level.

    If she contacts you and asks why you are ignoring her say “if so am ignoring you then you must be ignoring me because you also have the ability to ring”,

    See, some people know their siblings so well that they play on their guilt. This is so they

    • Have some upper hand control
    • cause you guilt so you’ll suffer
    • feel superior

    google

    beyondblue topic fortress of survival

    that might help.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to white knight
    Thank you very much :)
    1 person found this helpful
  15. Emmen
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    301 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    Hey Slippers,

    She's said all she wants to say - vented it out in her reply to you. Have you replied her? You could simply tell her that you will notify her of any future events as a reply, there's no need to engage with everything she has said.

    I agree with TonyWK. Ignoring is a mutual thing, and you shouldn't be put in this position where you feel it's your duty and yours alone to keep a good relationship going. This is not solely your burden. She has to do her part too and if she isn't doing it, then let things be.

    The tendency to ruminate on the 'what ifs' can bring us down a dark path because we'll constantly be spending our time beating ourselves up about what we could have done. Instead, accept that things have happened the way they have, there's nothing you can do now for things in the past and it's best to just let things be as they are.

    - M

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    17 June 2020 in reply to Emmen
    Hi M. No i havent replied to her since I sent her the apology message when she changed the subject and brought up all the hurtful things that Mum or I had done in the past. Her anger is so ingrained, i dont feel like contacting her or my other two sisters as I believe they'll just shout at me. My 3 sister have all spoken to Mum, their conversations were civil (no raised voices) and they had asked Mum that if anything like this happened again for Mum to call my sisters
    1 person found this helpful
  17. BetterAfterCoffee
    BetterAfterCoffee avatar
    3 posts
    17 June 2020 in reply to Slippers

    Slippers,

    First of all, glad you’re mother is okay. Falls at that age can be scary. But on to whether you were in the wrong about not notifying your sisters about your mother’s incident, I would say given that your mother was okay, there would be no cause for alarm, and thus there was no need to notify your sister. Now had your mother needed medical attention that would have been another story altogether.

    It is understandable that your sister worries about your mothers well-being, but it is not okay for her to personally attack you (bringing up the past) just because you did not tell her about your mothers fall.

    Personally if you have already said you are sorry for not notifying her, that you didn’t realise she wanted an update about minor instances such as this one, you owe her no further apologies or explanations. If she is done talking about it maybe it’s best to let it go and not call and text trying to explain yourself. You are the one caring for your mother. You are the one with her everyday. Your siblings need to trust that you have your mothers well-being at heart and will do what’s best for her.

    Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t let them blame and attack you for it either. You don’t deserve that.

    Have a cuppa with your Mum and smile! 🙂

    Kindest Regards,

    BetterAfterCoffee

    3 people found this helpful
  18. Slippers
    Slippers avatar
    24 posts
    17 June 2020 in reply to BetterAfterCoffee
    Thank you BaC. (abbreviation)

    I have printed off your message and stuck it on the fridge. I do appreciate everyones message but your really resonated with me.
    1 person found this helpful

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