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Topic: Anxiety hitting again

  1. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    10 July 2020

    Hi again, my next thread, I went to sleep but now at 2:44am my anxiety has arrived again, I did something at work wrong and I hate myself for doing the wrong thing, I've lost perspective so I don't know if it's important or will fix itself.

    I wish I would stop, I tell my brain to calm down but it doesn't. One of my triggers is making a mistake at work, of stuffing up, of not slowing down.

    I am annoyed at myself for doing it and hate that I seem to keep on doing it.

    Thank you for letting me get this out,

  2. Curious77
    Curious77 avatar
    97 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to JacintaMarie
    Hello jacintamarie,

    You must be such a committed, proud and great worker because you care so much about doing the best job you can. Your employer and the people you work with are very lucky to have you with them at work. I'm sure you do a lot of great things every day because of how much you care.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    13 July 2020 in reply to Curious77

    Hi Curious77

    Thanks for answering & being kind, my anxiety doesn't tell me that, it keeps telling me I'm an idiot, I do get good days, than I make a mistake or don't do a procedure correctly and the cycle continues, what a pain I am...

  4. Curious77
    Curious77 avatar
    97 posts
    17 July 2020 in reply to JacintaMarie
    I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be hard for you being at work and experiencing anxiety and then coming home and not being able to relax because of all these thoughts. It sounds like you have had experiences in the past that have made you very conscious of any mistakes that you make earlier in your life and it makes you very anxious. I am a very anxious person as well so I struggle with sleeping as well and I usually just end up falling asleep by listening to the radio and listening to programs that talk about stuff until it sidetracks my mind enough for me to sleep.
    2 people found this helpful
  5. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    1 March 2021

    Hi

    Bad thoughts are in my head & trying to get rid of them. Though have started the first of my anxiety pills & a referral to a counselor is in the cards.

    Pills won't kick in until 2weeks.

    I need to rant & get this out, I'm feeling like an idiot, I don't know anything & am trying to get better educated as I've still got heaps to learn & grow. At work, I always say stupid & always seem to panic even when I try not too.

    I've been told to think kindly about myself, but I don't. It's in the back of my head, everyone at work thinks I'm a fool & I'm being self pitying & and I'm sorry! I should be happy, as I've got everything I need. I take things personally.

    Am watching happy shows to get me back on track.

    At work, I need to go outside for work, I usually check if it's raining & if it's overcast I take a jacket & make sure the books don't get wet, but lately I'm getting myself stressed if they end up saying why are you going outside, as if I'm an idiot or someone who can't tell the difference in the weather & I know it's silly to get stressed over something so small, but I do or I think & say something silly & people have that tone, or this could be in my head. It's hard to tell.

    On Friday, I said I found it funny that someone took off their shoes (well what else can you do, be angry) I can't say things & accept what I say, someone may not like it.

    Sometimes I need to get so upset & cry to exhaust myself & then the thoughts go, it's one way that works!

    Thanks for letting me rant & I just want to be happy, but my cerebellum is not in balance.

    Everyone keep going, you'll get there & be better & thanks beyond blue

    Thank you. I hope I do get better, just want to be better

  6. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    16 July 2021

    Hi

    Today, was a struggle, negetive thoughts were strong today, they seem right and true.

    I hate feeling like this, I think I'm a terrible person & feel selfish for thinking about myself when others are much worse than me.

    Thank you Beyond Blue,

  7. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    Hi JacintaMarie, I hope I'm welcome in your thread.

    What's happening today?

    dng

    1 person found this helpful
  8. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    Your welcome, just my negetive thoughts hitting me. I can't ever tell anyone anything, they either don't believe me & I think I'm lying. Least this is what my brain is telling me.

    The thoughts are telling me I'm not a good communicator.

    Plus too I'm getting anxious because the people at work are cold at work, & building mangement can't do anything to help, but my work colleagues aren't happy with this & don't say wear a jumper because they don't want to hear that, I've learnt to say norhing because its not worth it. The anxiety of getting yelled at for my opinion is too much. Also too we are grateful to have a job & we're not homeless, the homeless are out in the real cold. The cold that can get you sick. I feel bad that I like winter, when the homeless proberly want it to go, not that its winters fault, winter has to come.

    My trigger today was I wasn't clear to the receptionist at the dentist, as she needed to get the dentist to tell me, I've got a soft voice, I am sliwly getting over it.

    With work, I've got to put up with it, as someone told me when I (stupidly) thought to tell them, I'm tired of the air conditioner saga & I'm not even affected. Its been 5 years that they've been complaining, I feel bad that I'm not being empathy to them, I need to care more for their pain, not just mine.

    Sorry for the long rant!

  9. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    She's right mate, you write well.

    5 years of saga over room temperature? crikey sounds rough to me.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    So I am terrible for being tired of it, sorry. I'm a bad person

  11. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    ok.

    What could a good person do?

    1 person found this helpful
  12. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    A good person would be tolerant, they wouldn't complain about them, they would be compassionate about their problem, empathize, would let them rant & not say anything.

  13. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    Hi JM

    I love your response, can we set some boundaries with it please? Report post me if u need to.

    Tolerant. Should we be tolerant of being abused? How long should a person be tolerant of some behaviour?

    For example, I am highly intolerant of people doing any violence to children, and I make no apology about that!

    Is my intolerance an example of me being not-good?

  14. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    No, your okay. Your right, a good person wouldn't be tolerant to anyone who is violent against anyone or animals. You need to protect people but do it in a non violent way, otherwise we're just the same.

    Today I got frustrated again by people at work, at home I ranted, then I felt bad & asked the universe to forgive me, then I did talk to someone, & they also said its okay to be frustrated, even me.

    A good person does good things, & helps

    I apologize if I said anything offensive.

  15. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    Ahimsa to JacintaMarie, how's the evening progressing?

    You are a good person just by knowing what a good person is! Imperfection is fine, mistakes happen and are temporary.

    It's like being err, constipated. Do we wait, letting the waste build up until it is too painful to pass? Or do we seek out a way to move and flush before it all becomes a hospital trip?

    Let the waste go at regular intervals in a safe and clean place, and enjoy the rest of your day.

    I've not read anything of yours that was even remotely offensive, good safe n clean place right here. Rant on please.

    love dng.

  16. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    Thanks for that, I had another afternoon talking about work, my mind is being negetive.

    Without trying to sound like a victim, which I don't want to do & I hate if I am, I am lonely at work, though I'm surrounded by people, though I'm learning to just speak when spoken too, I seem to always say the opposite opinion & then they get angry. I try not to take it personally, but I don't appreciate getting people's ire, to be someone's stress bag, then I think I'm naive that you can have a different view & be respectful and to be asked in a nice way. I've been told there's no point in telling them to change their tone because they don't have an issue with how they speak, that again I'm taking it personally. I don't know how people with thick skins do it, to ignore people's words & tones.

    Big rant I know, & my hormones have something to do it, & I don't realize it, each time it happens.

    Everyone else can deal with people's diverse personalities at work & I still can't! Lol. My way of dealing with it is just to have annual leave & keep away as much as I can.

  17. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    Evning JM!

    Avoidance of stress is reasonable. Isolation in company sux. Opinions about many things need not be shared at work, end those conversations that are off task politely. Naivety is fine, there is a sweet innocence to it, respectful and nice. Maybe = I don't know enough about this/that, please I'm focusing on working.

    Indeed sometimes there is no point, they need a bigger stick/boss than you. Thick skins develop armour by noticing what really hurts and reflecting it or ignoring it or overpowering it or reframing it.

    I am sad your hormones don't do what u want them to do! lol. Can totally understand.

    Back in the 90's I was a child care worker at my local ymca. A girl on her very first day had arrived by my dads car as he was volunteering for troubled kids organisation. Anyways all cool for a few hours and then I see the girl sitting on the bench crying.

    "What's up?" I ask. "Those boys are saying bad things about me." She replied.

    "How do those boys know those things about you? Do you know them?" I asked gently.

    "No, they don't know me. I just got here." she said tearfully.

    "Well right then childname, so they don't know you which means what they said is wrong!"

    "uh"

    "Well because they don't know you truly, you don't have to respect what they say about you!" I said matter factly.

    She dried her eyes and I imagine felt a little better in that moment, and many moments ahead when others said bad things to her.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    That's a good tip, not to say opinions at work, there's no point, things get too heated.

    Though sometimes I wish people would listen (I don't mean the horrible things of course)

    Also too, I don't think I listen, or I don't speak properly, like an idiot, though I am told this is my perspective, so its hard to know if its my brain projecting that or if the others are just talking s.h.i.t to me, I don't know anymore. At work, my colleagues seem to always get the aholes all the time or people who are being mean, plus too, one publisher seems to be a ahole, I don't know why they are still in business to be honest, plus the saga of the heater not being warm enough, I fortunately don't have that problem, I think they're just grumpy people. I feel bad because they're suffering & I'm not being compassionate enough, though I'm tired of their constant complaining.

  19. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    29 July 2021

    Hi

    Just want to vent again, at work, I need to be quiet as I seem to say the wrong thing, people get angry at what I say & I'm so stupid I don't know what I'm saying wrong. One particular person, I need to avoid, I always do the wrong thing, or say the wrong thing, I did talk to her but she turned it around & blamed me, I need to leave work, they all hate me, but where can I go. A place where I don't annoy anyone.

    Though, that person is who she is, she can't change.

    Plus too, the world is so bad & I don't know how to fix it, poor refugees, escsping from their countries & the homeless, what can I do, to fix it, to help all the bad in the world, to get the world back on track!

    The corona will go away, we have to hold on & wait & it will go!

  20. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    G'day JacintaMarie.

    I too need to vent sometimes... but sometimes that just doesn't do enough, I then need to take action to release that which isn't released with venting. So yeh, I see the peoples doings that are harmful and I aim the biggest bow I can find at something very small...

    I aim to implement one incremental improvement - just one thing that is beneficial, or reduces harm. Small or big, just something I can actually do that makes me feel released i.e. anti-venting.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    30 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    Thanks for that, I'll try to do that, actually I did do something, I had a yell, I yelled out my frustrations.

    Did feel good, though I made my throat go abit hoarse, my voice is okay now.

  22. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    30 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    Hi JacintaMarie, having a good old yell isn't necessarily what I mean, but I am glad it made you feel good.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    30 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    Thanks for your posts, I'm frustrated with myself for not being "normal" & for negetive thoughts not going away, or worrying about makibg mistakes, I work in a place where you can't make many & that you can't joke.

  24. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    31 July 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie
    Hi JM. BB has some webpages about coping with negative thoughts not going away.
    1 person found this helpful
  25. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    6 August 2021

    Hi, was going okay, but anxiety came, when I mis read something, people tell me to look more carefully & I feel like an idiot. Yet when another person does it, they laugh. I am a fool, I always get confused about when its okay to make a silly mistake, though my logic tells me, that a silly mistake can happen at any time, with a client or without.

    I think I'm a boring person as I'm so shy I can't be 'fun" that is what society wants, for someone to be witty and funny, I can't even be funny! Or I try to laugh at myself, but people think I'm being serious or I laugh at the wrong times. I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't & I shouldn't care but I do....

  26. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5687 posts
    6 August 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie
    Hi JacintaMarie,  That sounds really difficult, we're sorry that's how you're feeling right now.   DnG is right, we do have some pages on coping with negative thoughts! Here they are, in case you hadn't already found them. We hope there's something in there that's helpful to you. It's really difficult to sit with feelings like this, so it's really good to have some ideas of easing it.   If you're not already receiving support with this, we'd definitely suggest giving the Beyond Blue helpline a ring on 1300 22 4636. They can help you to work through anxious thoughts in the moment, give you some strategies for coping, and help you to find more support, if that would be helpful to you. If you'd prefer a webchat or email, those options are available here. Please keep letting us know how you're going. We really hope find some comfort and distraction from the troubling thoughts here.  Kind regards,  Sophie M 
    1 person found this helpful
  27. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    6 August 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie, thanks for that. I have read and will try to o them

    This afternoon am getting a little better.

    Thanks Beyond Blue & apologizes for my endless whinging

  28. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    23 August 2021

    Hi again

    Another rant. At work, I made stupid mistakes with my email messages, had a bad brain day,& I felt such an idiot for making it, in my head, I really try too not, no one else makes mistakes, I check & I thought its okay. I think people at work think I'm an idiot & can't be trusted, as they check my work, my rational side says, its just a double check, though I have heard some people need their hand hold.

    I didn't have a traumatic family life, my anxiety comes out when I'm with strangers or work colleagues, I can't seem to do things right. I just want to be at home, where I can't be rude or selfish or hurt anyone. If you are a bad person or do the wrong thing, some people think shaming you works, but it doesn't,

    Some people at work give me a strange look, so I know I've done something wrong.

    I don't know, am I making it up inmy head? Am I a lier? Why do I have the wrong perspective about things, I seem not to care about the wrong things at work, people go off at me for not caring if the binders make a mistake with the outside cover, even though I asked & got told no, its not worth sending it back, I couldn't tell that to them, they got sarcastic & I nervous, then I still get in trouble.

    Sorry, there are people with worse problems than me, much worse, like the covid & the afghanis.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Candice5
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Candice5 avatar
    4 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to JacintaMarie

    Hi Jacinta

    I work in a stressful and busy job at a University and I feel the same way as you do. I feel stupid everyday and I feel like my colleagues think I'm an idiot. I feel that I'm constantly disappointing my boss and he probably wishes he'd hired someone else instead of me. I wish I could take a holiday from these negative thoughts but the thoughts are always there to torment me. I'm Shari this so you will know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I'd love to leave office work and do something else but I have a mortgage so I stay where I am

    1 person found this helpful
  30. JacintaMarie
    JacintaMarie avatar
    92 posts
    24 August 2021 in reply to Candice5

    Hi Candice

    Thanks for sharing, I have a mortgage too, so I can't leave, I am looking for another job, though where can I go, I'll proberly have the same problem there.

    I've been told its in my head but its hard not to believe, luckily I am only a level one, so hopefully I can't muck up too much, though the more stressful a place is, the more I feel like I am going to make mistakes

    The place is perfect, I feel its too perfect for me, I can't fit in, its a law library & the lawyers are intelligent & the librarians all have uni degrees & I don't, I'm the only one who doesn't. I'm a square peg in a round hole, I also aren't sophiscated or dignified,

    Keep on going, I hope things get better, I get told when people have stresses, they take it out on others.

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