I can't seem to stop my intrusive negative thinking. EVERYTHING triggers me. I am SO emotional. I had an argument with my boyfriend yesterday over something silly. He is so patient with me and my moods, that this time he flipped out and said some hurtful things. I can't get them out of my head... One in particular is bringing me down every hour or so. I said that I wished he would grow up a little bit and stop being forgetful with things, because when we have children I can't be dealing with him as well as the kids. And he said "well we just won't have kids then!" Out of anger. But it stuck with me and I can't move past it. I have had about 4 emotional outbursts to him, all of which he has made clear he was sorry and he did not mean what he said, and that when we are ready he wants to have kids with me. This makes it hard for me because he already has a child to someone else who we look after weekly. This has been a struggle for me since the beginning because I am envious that he has had a child already with someone else. I feel like my progress has been ruined in trying to cope with the situation. I feel like he doesn't want kids with me, never did, and that I will just have to deal with the fact he wanted to have a kid with someone else and not me. I have no reason to think this way but I am and I can't help it. It feels as real to me as anything even though it's not. I feel so depressed... I feel like I can't get past this or accept that he didn't mean what he said and believe that we will have children together and all be a happy family. All that is running through my head is things such as. "He never wanted children with you" and "he only wanted children with her" and "what's wrong with me for him to not want that with me."
I am so confused because I know he loves me and I do believe that he wants a real family with me but i can't seem to shake the negative thoughts... words such as the ones he said to me are so damaging they literally ruin me for weeks and even months. I love him a lot and having a family and getting married mean SO much to me that any small fraction of a chance that he does not want the same as me (Even though) he does, I obsess over.
How do I stop hurting myself and driving my partner nuts because he really doesn't do anything wrong and gives me no REAL reason to believe anything that I put in my head. But I continue to feel terrible all the time.