Well. Writing this mid-panic haha
My thoughts have been spiralling hard. I can't say much, but I've been struggling with how to cope with my hate and anxiety about my mother being hospitalized. She's been horrible to me. Emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and sometimes worse, but the worse stuff's in the past.
I truly can't word this in any other way, but I hate her. I know, the horrible excuse of a son and whatnot. But I can't cope with this household. She mocks my depression, ignored my identity, it's all jolly fun!
And. she's been in the hospital for a month. Not from the virus. Just, stuff.
My other family keeps saying I'll have to be 'nicer', as I tend to never speak to my parents outside of absolute necessity. And I get nauseous at the thought of having to tolerate her. I don't want her to die. I don't want bad things to happen. But now I keep feeling things in my own body and I think "Am I gonna die?"
It's all a mess, really. I'm just so tired of living here. It's like my own [personal hell, where my only safe space is my room, and even that isn't sacred to these gargoyles.
tldr: My emotions are mixed about my mother, and her hospitalisation has made it worse. What the hell do I do????
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place...