Not really sure if this falls under anxiety.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety for a few years now. Seems I had the feelings long before reaching out to a doctor.
In the past 3 years, I was seeking help and felt I had slowly got better, but now I'm falling back again and it feels worse than before. My PTSD/upbringing has conditioned my brain into thinking that no matter what I do, I have to second guess myself and my brain goes into overdrive and will process every possible scenario in the most pessimistic way. I realised I lack self-worth/love and don't know where to begin this healing process. For 29 years I've been reinforced the fact that I'm not worthy or whatever I do isn't enough.
It has affected my career, social life and personal relationships.
I always avoid applying for jobs because I don't meet those expectations and requirements, it's like I have told myself I've failed before even trying. This affects my lack of income and deters me away from spending time socially.
More importantly, I realised with every relationship I get into, I always push the other person away indirectly. Due to my neediness/sensitivity and low self-esteem. I noticed I tend to get jealous easily and ask or say stupid things to get a reaction so I can validate maybe I would be worth something to someone. I don't want to be this way, it's not fair on the other person and it does my head in. It's such a toxic behaviour and I can't stand putting myself into a situation where I can feel worse or make someone else feel bad.
These issues lead me to break down randomly and random extremely negative thoughts.
For the past few months, I have this empty feeling in my chest - where I feel like I'm surrounded by darkness and the feeling of being heartbroken - but is consistently there and does not go away. I often break down on my drives out of nowhere and cry a lot.
I tried searching online for a long time for an answer but can't seem to find anything related to how I feel our this issue of toxic behaviour cycling around and not stopping.
I need help, but don't know where to start.
Has anyone felt this way? Understand this situation? I don't want to be toxic the person who's toxic in a relationship.
Anyone know how I can help or where to start without it costing me an arm and a leg?
I'm desperate as it feels like everyday I'm falling further and further.