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Topic: I have made a big commitment to buy a house with my partner and now I am suddenly Anxious

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Anxiousmind07
    Anxiousmind07 avatar
    4 posts
    19 May 2021

    Hi All

    I have been dating my partner for nearly 2 years now. I am so in love with him and have never had any doubts in our relationship and have always thought to myself that I am so lucky to have met my person. We live together and recently just purchased an apartment together and we move in in 4 weeks time.

    However, over the last few days, I have had a huge increase in anxiety (it has been nearly 2 years since I had an anxiety attack) and am starting to doubt our relationship. And I honestly have no idea why. How can I go from feeling so great and positive to having doubts. Just two weeks ago we were talking about starting a family. I have felt experienced feelings of overwhelming anxiety in past relationships that have ended, so maybe I am panicking that if I feel this way then the relationship needs to end. I am having really intrusive thoughts and thinking about the worst things that could happen.

    I have gone back to my doctor and I am taking medication again (day 3) so hoping this will start to help.

    I am reading up on intrusive thoughts and how to cope with them, but how do I distinguish between an intrusive thought and an instinct. Any suggestions on how to cope or share a similar story would be greatly appreciated.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10343 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Anxiousmind07

    Dear Anxiousmind07~

    Welcome to the Forum, it is pretty good move, even if hard to do, as you get to see the experiences of others, and that can help a lot.

    I have an ongoing anxiety condition and know that it distorts my thinking at times, raises doubts and feelings I'm unable to complete things. It is sometimes more than hard to distinguish between the facts and a perceived large problem that is actually trivial or does not exist at all. In my case such thinking is bought on by increased stress in my life.

    I get round this problem by talking with my partner, who is very familiar with my mental health conditions and can point out things in their true perspective. My psych performs the same function. I actually trust them and respect their views, I'm lucky.

    You have just made a huge commitment, part of which is financial. I'd imagine you both have a mortgage and this can seem a huge ongoing burden all by itself.

    Perhaps even more importantly you have committed yourself to a life with your partner by buying this unit. Now that's not a bad thing, in fact it lends stability and confidence the relationship will last.

    However as you are prone to anxiety it is not surprising that such big, significant and stressful actions will in the shorter term take their toll and raise your anxiety levels to the point you doubt yourself, your love and naturally thinking of past less successful times.

    Can I suggest you simply keep on with your medications and if necessary ask your doctor for therapy too? Then see how you go.

    I'd also suggest, my apologies if you have not already done so, to talk about your anxiety condition with your partner so he understands the type of thinking you might be prone to. If he wants to know more about anxiety consider taking him along to your doctor to get an explanation or simply looking up the facts here

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety

    Please let us know how you go, it is a difficult time but if I can improve to the extent I can realise my thought are unrealistic (though sometimes with help as I said) then I'm sure life can improve for you too

    Croix

  3. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
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    tranzcrybe avatar
    617 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Anxiousmind07

    Ask any bride (or groom), no matter how absolutely devoted to their future betrothed, if they feel any doubt as they traipse the 'longest mile' down the aisle, and I am sure the response will be a resounding "YES". It's serious business standing before the presiding authority (and they make sure you understand it - "Solemn", "Oath", "Commitment" - "let no man put asunder"!)

    You are taking a similar vow in the material world (and with no less at stake) and the usual jitters of "pre-mortgagal" (not a real word) stress are to be expected. It's a sign of your love and conviction to long term happiness; but nobody would delude themselves into believing there won't be some challenges along the way - you are simply being intuitive and perhaps preempting some of these hurdles, creating a bundle of "what if" scenarios before you have even reach them (if at all).

    Your panic may be falsely associated with past relationships ending whereas your concerns may be governed by the financial implications - are there different sensations in panic to make any distinction?

    Congratulations on your recent mortgage, and may you be happily mortgaged for many years to come! (BTW, read above for interchangeability of mortgage and marriage/commitment).

  4. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15268 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Anxiousmind07

    Hello Anxiousmind, and a warm welcome to the forums.

    It's always exciting especially when you purchased your first property, but yes there will be many thoughts running through your mind, but please don't be trapped by these 'intrusive thoughts' that may not make any sense at all, but we still have them and they cause us to worry in how we are feeling, sometimes we don't tell anybody unless you're having counselling.

    These are what we believe we want to do, but that doesn't normally happen, even though the thought still remains, we are frightened we will carry them out, but they remain only because it's something you are fighting against, so they become stuck in our mind.

    To worry about what the future holds can create these thoughts, that's understandable, the concern about developing a family, the mortgage and your relationship all come together to create intrusive thoughts.

    Take it day by day and the difference between one of these thoughts and your instinct is that anxiety may be present regardless of its relevance to your current experience, in other words, the worst scenarios such as, thoughts that keep you up all night long is anxiety that you feel you can't control, whereas intuition is your immediate reaction to a situation.

    Let the medication begin to work, it might happen slowly so it might not be something you automatically notice.

    Let us know how you are getting on.

    Geoff.

  5. Anxiousmind07
    Anxiousmind07 avatar
    4 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    Thank you so much Croix for your support and advice.

    I have spoken to my partner about how I am feeling and whilst he does not suffer from an anxiety condition like myself, he is very supportive.

    it is a huge commitment and I definitely think I am getting stuck on the what if's and catastrophizing over every small little thought. Every time i think a positive thing about our relationship, I doubt that thought and then the negative spiral begins again.

    I am going to stick it out with the medication. it has worked for me in the past and it will work for me again, however the adjustment is hard. I find it really hard to get going in the morning and get lots of anxiety when I get to work. I started a new role 2 months ago and I have to be switched on all the time with people watching me (i deliver training) and I am so stressed that my anxiety is going to affect my job.

    I am definitely going to reach out to a counsellor for some support.

    I am so glad i found this forum, it is really helping me.

    Thank you so much

  6. Anxiousmind07
    Anxiousmind07 avatar
    4 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe,

    thank you for your support.

    With the panic, i panic because the only times I have had this severe anxiety is when I have been in relationships. However those relationships have been so different to this one. I panic then thinking that because I am feeling this way it must need to end. I then Panic because we have bought a place together and i worry about it not working out and all the stress that will cause if it does not work out (bare in mind we bought it 5 weeks ago and I didnt feel any anxiety then)

    where can I find the stuff on mortgage and marriage commitment ?

    again, thanks for your support

  7. Philomena
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Philomena avatar
    40 posts
    19 May 2021 in reply to Anxiousmind07

    Hi anxiousmind07

    I really do understand your feelings and would suggest you take some quiet time for yourself to think and calm yourself .

    May be the thoughts and doubts you are experiencing are imaginary after all.

    Take sometime to do what makes you happy read a book or watch a movie or take on a hobby that keeps you occupied. When your mind is occupied then you don’t get time to think of things and worry. Get involved with friends and activities that interest you.

    Talk to your partner and find out what’s on his mind.

    Cheers

  8. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    617 posts
    20 May 2021 in reply to Anxiousmind07

    Hi again,

    "where can I find the stuff on mortgage and marriage commitment ?"

    - just an observation that committing to a house together is a positive and tangible sign of your devotion to each other. You both sound like you are in it for the long run and this should inspire much faith in your relationship. Any commitment can make us question ourselves to be certain, and it's taken a few weeks for this natural response to catch up.

    I am sure things will settle as you ponder the wonderful experiences you shall share together in balanced proportion to the usual challenges that life throws at us from time to time.

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