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Topic: I worry my anxiety will end my relationship - I can't stop thinking that I don't love him anymore.

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. HoldOnPainEnds
    HoldOnPainEnds avatar
    3 posts
    2 June 2021

    I have the most spectacular, kind, loving, supportive boyfriend out there. We have been dating for over a year and it has been the happiest I've ever felt.

    A few days ago I woke up and thought "but what if I don't actually love him?" and all hell broke loose. Since then I have been experiencing a near constant anxiety attack - I can't eat, I won't stop shaking and every waking moment is spent worrying about this. When I'm away from him, I worry. When I am with him, I over-analyse everything and it's getting to the point where I'm afraid to see him because I know I will most likely have a panic attack. After five days I am beginning to lose sight of all the amazing times we've spent together because all I can associate with this relationship now is intense anxiety.

    My anxiety has completely thrown my feelings off. I can't feel the love I had for him before Saturday, and I've even contemplated breaking up with him just to get away from these debilitating feelings. However, I know that all those feelings still exist because firstly, I wouldn't be this worried if I didn't care for him, and secondly, the thought of losing him is even worse than this anxiety - it is complete numbness. I am so scared that I am going to ruin the amazing relationship we have just because I can't see the truth under the mask of this intense anxiety.

    I have spoken to him about it already and he is being extremely supportive, but I find it hard to access this support he is giving me as every time I think about him or am with him the thoughts just start to plague my mind again. I have been able to manage some of the major symptoms by distracting myself, reading through websites and advice forums and attempting to challenge the negative thoughts, and I will also be seeing my psychologist in a week. However, I don't want to spend the rest of my life just pushing away these thoughts as I am so worried they will just come back.

    If anyone has any advice about how I can handle/get rid of these thoughts, or even personal experiences with something similar, I would be so grateful.

  2. Bibbetyboo
    Bibbetyboo avatar
    29 posts
    2 June 2021 in reply to HoldOnPainEnds
    Hey there,
    I use to get similar feelings and let me tell you a bit about how that story went.
    I broke up with him after 2.5 years and a lot of battles, mostly caused by me.
    That was when i was 18, i am now 36.
    Looking back i realise that was the best relationship I had but to be true i didnt love him. I couldn’t love him because i didnt love myself.
    I didnt exactly know why i broke it off but all these years later i know. It’s because he was too good for me and i had to let him go before i caused him any more pain trying to find me in my horrible dark place.
    At 36 i realise that “true love” isn’t what Hollywood makes out. Relationships are very testing of ourselves and others.
    I couldn’t pass the test because I thought i was meant to feel this deep love-drunk sensation forever but thats not reality. You must work for that. Start from the start, what is it that you love about him in the first place. Recreate love when you cant find it in it’s old haunts and you can quote me its time to change your version of him, paint him new in your mind with all the beauty you see, not the flaws and faults. This can be done by trying new things together and maybe spending some more time by yourself trying new things.
    Many years have gone by and i have dated men that have treated me horribly and now i am too afraid to ever try again. I am alone but not unhappy, I have my young son to love the way I wanted.
    I feel I have seen every trick and heard every line and spent myself into nothing looking for “love”
    You know what? I found love is a home you come to and its filled with those who work to build and nourish it. Love is a foundation with endless possibility, it must built on but if you have a man thats at least %80 of what you need dont let go lest you end up bitter and jaded like me.
  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1311 posts
    2 June 2021 in reply to HoldOnPainEnds

    Hello holdonpainends,

    Welcome to our forums.....

    So sorry to hear you are feeling this way....

    I understand how intense anxiety feels I had severe anxiety OCD.....

    I was diagnosed with this disorder by a psychiatrist......

    When I experienced OCD it was a lot of what if thoughts... I would do compulsions to try to relieve the anxiety.... ( one of my compulsions was re assurance seeking)

    OCD is a vicious cycle....... we analyse and we question our thoughts....

    I did a therapy that specialised in OCD I was taught many skills..... I did meta cognitive therapy it was the best thing I ever did it taught me how to break free of the OCD cycle......

    one thing with OCD is to try not to push the thoughts away if we do they will keep coming back because of the attention we give them....the brain thinks they are important...

    just try to let them be there when they come in just try to put your attention on something in the present moment eg... what you can feel or hear..... try not to give the thought your attention...

    that’s great you are seeing a psychologist mention to them what you have written here... and maybe mention ocd to them and meta cognitive therapy....

    im here to chat to you, and answer any questions you may have...

  4. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    305 posts
    2 June 2021 in reply to HoldOnPainEnds

    Hi HoldOnPainEnds,

    I really like your name, I noticed if you put the first letter of each word together, it forms the word "HOPE". It is something that gives us the strength and courage to push on when things seems to be going bad. But HOPE isn't the trump card to resolve all the issues we have in the world, some things we have to learn to accept and adapt to their existence, regardless of how much we want to change it. When we put that practice onto ourselves, that is what I'd call self-love. Humans are born with flaws and weaknesses, but that's what makes them unique and interesting. Otherwise, if all humans are perfect, then everyone would just be the same and uninteresting.

    My ex was also going through the same feeling as you did. She had severe depression and anxiety, and quite an overthinker as well. At first we were both madly in love with each other, and had a wonderful time for more than a year. But a few months ago, out of the blue, she wanted to break up with me, saying that she needs to deal with her own battles, and couldn't give me the love/time/care that she feels I deserve. No matter how much I told her that I would support her through her dark times, she couldn't accept it, she was afraid that it'd create resentment and disappointment which I knew was her anxiety clouding her thoughts, as well as her on going trauma from her past.

    What I've learned from my break up (and the help of many wonderful people in this forum), is that in order for a relationship to work, you must learn to love yourself first and accept who you are, your weaknesses, your flaws, your strengths, and your beauty. Only then can you love others. A relationship is a commitment between people to coexist with each other, and work together through tough times. Each person is capable of taking care of their own basic needs, while letting their partner fulfil their remaining needs and vice versa. And like Bibbetyboo said, your partner doesn't have to meet all your needs, not everyone is perfect. But if they meet a certain number of criterias, and they don't physically/mentally abuse you, then that's a relationship worth fighting for.

    Jt

  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15268 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to HoldOnPainEnds

    Hello HoldOnPainEnds, and a warm welcome t the site.

    Those above have given you great replies, so are you able to type 'intrusive thoughts' in the search bar at the top of this page or type it in your search browser, then many different comments will appear and discuss what you are thinking about.

    These thoughts become stuck in our mind and cause distress and certainly upset us, and can reoccur frequently without any warning, other people also have them but they are a problem because they are able to move forward, whereas people who have OCD aren't able to let go, so they persist.

    Would be interested in what you think.

    Geoff.

  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2172 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to HoldOnPainEnds

    Hi HoldOnPainEnds

    I can't help but wonder whether you're becoming more conscious of love. I've found when my consciousness begins to shift a little, it coincides with me being asked to redefine something.

    This may be somewhat of a challenge but how do you define love? Have you ever been led to search for definition? Personally, I never gave it much thought until suddenly I found a need to define love. I think it started with 'Why am I so much closer to some people than I am others? Why is that?' This triggered my own personal revelation. Of course, everyone's definition of love is going to be a little different.

    Personally, I find love to be in evolution. Loving myself means being invested in my own evolution. Mutual love is a about being invested in each other's evolution. When I'm so completely invested in another person evolving, in order for them to find the best and the brilliance in themself, I am loving them to life. If I find someone I deeply care for is not evolving in the ways they wish to, this tells me I am not loving them in the ways the truly need to be loved, in order for them to experience the change or difference they're looking for. While it may sound terrible to some, as a mum it's rare for me to say to my son and daughter 'I love you'. I rarely have to say it, as they feel themselves being loved to life through how I lead them to feel. They feel loved, without a doubt, and they've told me this. Every smile I raise them to tells me they feel loved. Every ounce of greater consciousness I raise them to in a challenge, leads them to feel loved. Every adventure I raise the to, which brings out the natural adventurer in them, leads them to feel loved to life. The list goes on. When you're raising someone, they'll naturally feel loved to life.

    If your partner is raising you, he's loving you.

    If you actively love raising your partner, raising his spirits and his consciousness, you are actively loving him.

    If you're both raising the relationship to new levels, you are loving each other through the relationship.

    I found, when I defined or re-defined love, I realised just how much I actually did love certain people in my life. It was an overwhelming feeling which led me to tears.

    In becoming more conscious of our definition of love, it's then that we may begin to love more consciously, perhaps even feeling what 'true love' is for the first time.

    Name all the ways in which you love him to life and you will then see just how much you love him.

    :)

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