Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: Leaving a toxic energy behind

  1. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    25 March 2021

    Hello there,

    a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

    I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

    Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
    He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

    when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

    he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
    calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

    he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

    then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

    Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

    I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

    I’m in a weird situation,

    need some more insight.
    PF

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Hi PsychedelicFur,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to us so openly today. We're sorry you're reeling with thoughts and emotions about leaving your relationship but sounds like you decided to prioritise your mental wellbeing, which is great.

    Our community is here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need. However, as you know, the peer support offered here while often quick is not immediate. If you feel like you need more urgent support please don't hesititate to reach out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636.

    We also want to let you and anyone reading this that we've closed a few of your older threads, including:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/my-father-and-my-partner-don't-get-along

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/is-he-trying-to-change-me

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/anxiety-about-my-relationship-with-my-boyfriend

    We do ask all users to stick to one thread per topic so that those in our community lending you support don't have to go hunting for other related fragments of your story and to spare you from having to repeat yourself.
     
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1311 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello PsychedelicFur,

    Sorry you have been treated this way...... your partner knows nothing about mental health and how to care for you while you are experiencing this...... your partner should be supporting you....

    I think you are doing the right thing by not being with your partner...

    you will one day find someone who is genuine and wants the best for you...

    stay strong

    1 person found this helpful
  4. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Thank you Petal22 for your kind words. Much appreciated.

    I’m trying to heal but it is very very hard.

  5. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    26 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PsychedelicFur.

    I'm so sorry to hear that you had this awful "person" in your life. None of what they said to you is true, I'm really sorry that happened to you and that you were suicidal from it. I hope you're safe now. Please know that they're the horrible "person", not you, you've done nothing wrong. I'm so sorry they treated you like that, they're the ones with issues, not you.

    I hope you're safe and feeling ok, we're here for you.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Thank you so much mb20lover, your kind words are definitely much appreciated.

    i feel relieved and liberated I found the strength within me to leave him. However I am worried. I miss him. I know he was bad for me. But I miss him. I never want to get back with him though. He will never change: he has been like this in the past with other relationships

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    26 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    I know what you mean, I miss some people who were bad for me too. Maybe it's common, I'm not sure. And you're welcome.

    Yes I'm proud of you for leaving him, well done. That took a lot of courage.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Emotional abuse leaves you in a state of denial and confusion. You are shown this side from the person you love so very dearly and that side is sadistic and evil.

    It definitely took a lot of recognition towards the situation I was in and a decent amount of courage to leave him.

    I was reading a feminism book written by Florence Given called ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’ and it told me about verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. I had my suspicions earlier on in the relationship but this book really helped shape my perception and look at things outside of my rose coloured glasses.

    3 people found this helpful
  9. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15268 posts
    27 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Hello PF, I am so sorry you have been caught up in relationship like this,especially your first real one that you had hoped would materialise into a long friendship, and in saying that we're pleased you have decided to leave.

    It would leave you in a state of denial and confusion, only wishing that this wasn't to be the situation, unfortunately it is and he is most unlikely to change until he gets the help he needs, but at the moment that's not something you want to contend with, all you want is to have a person who truly loves and respects everything you do, then it also reciprocates doing whatever you can to cherish this relationship.

    It does take great strength to up and leave and deserve all the support you are entitled to and really pleased you have posted.

    There is much more we can assist you with and happy to help you.

    Take care.

    Geoff.
    2 people found this helpful
  10. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    27 March 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hey there Geoff,

    it was so much stress for me when being in the relationship. I knew it deserved more but I couldn’t seem to find the courage and strength within me to leave. I still love him which makes matters worse.

    thanking you for the kind and supportive words.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    27 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    I agree. I haven't heard of her or that book, I'll check it out, thanks
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4153 posts
    27 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    hey Psychadelic Fur

    Firstly - I know i can't see you, but I want to tell you that are you beautiful, intelligent, your size doesn't matter (eveen though ur doctor clearly confirmed you're NOT plus size) and that none of what he says is true.
    I wander if he is so insecure and wants to say these things to chip at ur confidence so u won't believe you are worthy of love. Beceause he knows you are. That's alarmingly obvious.

    i read a cute book about breakups called "it's called a breakup because it's broken" which has some great tips about getting the strength to move on from a bad relationships.
    I reckon the first step is acknowledging it's toxic, ur not imagining it, and calling it out.
    I want to validate you that you're not imagining anything and you were insightful, smart and strong to leave this relationship. Good for u !!!

    that book sounds awesome, i love getting recommendations from users here, i've already found quite a few books from thee threads and they've never disappointed... so i look forward to looking up the one you mentioned. Great title - women certainly should be allowed to b "unpretty" sad, confused, angry, strong, weak and everything in between, just as men are. xx

    2 people found this helpful
  13. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    27 March 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey there Sleepy21,

    hope you are well. Thank you for the kind words and support. I very much appreciate it.

    I will have a look at the book that you have recommended. Thank you for the recommendation!!

    This individual that I dated was/is a very insecure person, I think. As I look back now at events and experiences I had with him I can see that he was/is bullied by his family for his weight and his exes don’t have nice things to say about him.

    I think, more than anything he projected his feelings of inadequacy and insecurity on to me. Which is sad and I do deeply feel sorry towards the demons he has to live with.

    however, with saying that my anxiety worsened when I got with him. I think I was trying to process the traumas. That’s why I would constantly question his love for me because I would see him saying things like ‘i love you’ or ‘I miss you’

    However, I would look at his actions and they would say otherwise.

    I would cry and he would tell me ‘stop making it a sob story’ and he even admitted to me that for the first few months of us dating he had feelings for another girl.

    it hurts, tremendously because I loved him. I really did. I loved his soul. I loved the way he was when I met him. He was so gentle, charismatic, sensitive and passionate. And I grew enormous admiration for that.

  14. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    27 March 2021

    I look back at old messages and cry. He was so gentle. And charming. And beautiful. So so beautiful.

    and then this happened. I’m shocked. I’m confused. I’m feeling so many emotions as memories both good and bad return back to me.

  15. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9207 posts
    27 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Hi, welcome

    All replies have been wonderful here.

    Can I ask you to read the following threads, just the first post.

    We can talk about it when you like.

    Google

    Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

    TonyWK
    1 person found this helpful
  16. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    27 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Hey PF. I know how you feel. I was mentally abused by someone I had a crush on (a guy, yes) in high school. I still have PTSD from it. We never dated. Turns out he liked me too. So I know how you feel, although it may be different because you dated this guy. I know the feeling of missing them, them being cute and sweet, then turning out to be the demon.
    1 person found this helpful
  17. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    29 March 2021
    Hello there, hope you are all well.
    Knowing he is not good to communicate with as he gaslighted me and treat me horribly, I am still so very tempted to text him. I have blocked him on both social media and phone. I know I have done the right thing and I don't want to get back with him considering all of the traumatic things I have been put through whilst dating him. I just miss his voice, when we texted and that companionship even though it was incredibly toxic.



    Does anyone on here have any suggestions that could help me get over him more quickly? Or does anyone have any suggestions that could help me feel far less tempted to text or communicate with him? I do fully acknowledge that he is no good for me.



    Thanking you in advance,


    PsychedelicFur.
    1 person found this helpful
  18. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4153 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    try a detox

    start with one week... and count each day that u don't speak

    ull get strongr to see that u have willpower and hold the control. 1 day at a time...

    2 people found this helpful
  19. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to Sleepy21
    Thanking you so much!!
  20. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4561 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF, I found your thread...

    Yes.
    Google the 180 strategy and the "Gray Rock" strategy.

    I believe there are also online "No Contact Diaries" so you can write about your journey of going no contact.

    I'm beat today, need a nap!

    Will be back another time to see how you're going.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  21. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Thanking you Em. Hope you have a lovely nap.

    Appreciate the response, greatly!! I think both the detox idea and the ideas you have suggested such as the diary will help me forget about him.

    Hope you are well Em,

    all the best.

    Love PsychedelicFur.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4561 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Thanks PF! I did have a great nap, I was really zonked.

    Yes I think I'm well lol. Need to see a GP soon for some test results but I'm sure it'll all be fine.

    I read your whole thread before I posted, but I hadn't read your other threads so not sure of other things that were / are happening or happened in your life.
    So please forgive me if I repeat things - which can happen to all of us!
    Sorry if this happens.

    It sounds like you're a very sweet and sensitive person.
    Being your first "real" relationship, this holds a huge impact in one's life IME.
    (Tbh ANY relationship involving commitment from us can hold a huge impact in our lives!).

    If you could answer these questions it would help me pitch my responses better..
    Are you a very young person?
    Had you moved in with ex BF?

    Regardless of those points, I think it's unrealistic to think you'll ever forget about exBF.
    In fact it's probably good for you if you DON'T forget in some ways.
    The lessons you have the potential to learn from this r/ship can stand you in good stead when embarking on any friendships in the future.

    Our feelings can fade over time.
    Certainly if we work on it, our emotional reactions when thinking about the person can diminish significantly to just a faint memory over time too.

    School's out on whether we can completely recover from a broken heart. IDK it takes time... and alot of self-care!
    And some really fun times, ongoing, with other people and nice times working on our own lives.
    I can see you've continued studying and this will help ALOT if you can maintain this.

    This relationship becomes "part of your story".

    I wanted to point out something pretty significant I noted from this thread and some other things I saw you post.
    I'm SO GLAD for you that you got out so quickly!!!

    You've lessened the damage and I'm grateful for that for you. To me this shows you HAD done 'enough' work before you met BF to know the difference between healthy and toxic relationships.

    I think sometimes whether we stay or leave is a bit like the "how to boil a frog" theory...apparently the ONLY way to boil a frog is to put it in cold water & slowly turn up the heat.
    THIS is how manipulative abusers can trap their victims.

    They "love bomb" and be all sweety pie to us and we think "OH aren't they sweet!" then over time they turn up the heat.

    You can't boil a frog with the pot already boiling. They just JUMP OUT.

    Time for your healing.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  23. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hello there Em,

    it’s great to hear that you had a nice nap. I’m glad you are feeling more refreshed now.

    Goodluck with the doctors and the test results too.

    What self care things did you put into practice today?

    thank you for your lovely response. You gave me an enormous smile on my face haha.

    To answer your question I am eighteen years of age. My boyfriend was six years older than me.
    And no, I did not move out with my ex because I sort of knew a month or two months before I dumped him that he was manipulating me and something did not feel right. My intuition told me so.

    Although he offered, I gave it a thorough thought and realised that I wasn’t at the stage in my life, mentally nor financially, to really make such a large commitment like that with someone I am dating. Nor did I think he would be ready to live with a romantic partner.

    He yelled at me when I told him I was not ready. He said to me that I ‘f*cked everything up for him and ruined his life!’ Because he had already told his roommate, whom had arrange other living arrangements not so long after he told them about him wanting to move out. I told him prior to him yelling at me that moving out together requires a lot of thought and planning and I told him I wanted to really think about it. However, he said ‘We haven’t got long’ and started forcing me to make a decision two days after proposing the offer to me.

    I have heard about the frog theory, yes. If a frog had been put straight into boiling water it would just react by dying. Manipulators slowing but surely lure you in.

    Yes, he was indeed very lovey dovey. He wrote me a song and made me feel special. Then later he went on to tell me that I wasn’t very attractive and I was ‘embarrassing looking’ in his eyes. Complaining about driving me home when I stayed the night as I don’t have my full license yet. Everything was just such a dilemma with him. I sat through nine hours of Star Wars for him, I like it too but that’s not the point. It was his idea of going. And then when I wanted to see ‘Mick Fleetwood’s & Friends tribute to Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac’ he said no way, he wasn’t interested and didn’t care about it.
    I knew something was not right with the relationship but at the time I just could not put my finger on it.

    thanking you,

    love PsychedelicFur. Take care Em!

    1 person found this helpful
  24. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    FYI : I also went to watch the movie I wanted to watch as I was not going to miss out for anyone!! :)

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4153 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    oh dear PF

    i had such a similar relationship, except i was 28.
    He was very cruel to me and i felt i deserved it.
    it was hard to leave. he wouldn't let me go easy or with respect. u didn't ruin his life PF. And that manipulation is just to arouse your pity and compassion, which you have in spadees.
    I felt so sucked dry at the end.
    I wrote a poem about how he had emptied my pockets, robbed me. I felt I had no strength at the end. But that was all his weakness. Leaving such relationships is true strength. U go PF. You are one smart cookie.

    3 people found this helpful
  26. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4561 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Oh dear baby girls!!!

    That's all so horrid. Love to you both / all. Hugs.

    It was a very "different time" but I went thru similar at similar age spans. But due to extremely controlling parents on both sides, I was virtually in a position of "an arranged marriage". I was with him for around 10y.

    I left, caused "disgrace" to my family. Oh well that was more than half a life time ago! They thought THAT was bad lol.
    It got worse, for me anyway, which I PRAY will not happen to either of you again by your feeding your own instincts GOOD stuff!

    Just a twig to the idea of boiling a frog... the frog jumps out when put into boiling water... meaning that if the partner we saw was going off full throttle when we MET... we would've run for the hills immediately.
    They wait & indeed slowly but sure enmesh & entrap us over time...

    If you can jump out BEFORE that all takes legal, marital, familial hold etc then you're WAY better off.
    Though I will never underestimate the damage a narcissist / sociopath / psychopath / abusive / toxic person can do at ANY stage.

    PF 18yo wow, that abuser had zero idea what YOU needed.
    It was only thinking about itself.

    Sleepy knows the Course I did called "Breaking Free" and somehow got some info on it from NSW?
    It was for victims of DV / FV in abusive relationships.
    Headspace referred me to the Course about 6y ago when the kids were disclosing all sorts.

    I immediately enrolled & OMG IT WAS GOBSMACKING information.
    Heavily researched based & Govt approved - even mandated at times.

    Part of that Course tells us, we should not make any commitment to a partner within 2y.
    We need to observe the person for at least that long.

    This doesn't guarantee they're not abusive but goes a long way deferring the enmeshment issues.
    Easier to get out if we're not living with them.

    I know you're very young PF, so some things may not click but you're also very intuitive & seem rather intellectual so maybe they will! Lol IDK...

    If you have Netflix, I urge you to watch "The Call to Courage" by Brene Brown.
    She has YouTube Clips & her Ted Talks are amazing!
    Her Podcast "Unlocking Us" is beyond brilliant.

    Possibly when leaving abusive r/ships we go into a tumbling pit of ONLY trying to work this all out, it's a THANG and a half!!
    Keeping your eyes on the normality of life and breathing LIFE into those areas can pull our anxiety into line and keep us on the paths we aim for.

    Food for thought.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  27. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15268 posts
    30 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Hello PF, much has happened I only wish it was good, however living with a person who idolises and loves every breath you take and who can overlook any problems that may happen is someone that truly wants to hold onto you as long as can possibly be possible, is a person where you share all your affection for, but if a person criticises everything you do and then tries to make up with flowers and/or chocolates after an unpleasant occasion whenever it happens, is definitely a person you need to be cautious of, simply because if you decide to marry th0en the behaviour may0 become constant, and I've seen this happen a couple of times with friends I knew.

    Your only 18 years old a great age I can still remember and I'm sure there will be other people just wanting to be with you, let your mind expand to who keeps looking at you, someone who will treat you with kindness and especially love.

    Take care.

    Geoff.
    2 people found this helpful
  28. Sweesoft
    Sweesoft avatar
    60 posts
    30 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    I am so sorry that he treats you like that and leaving that toxic relationship is the best thing to do. You do not deserve to be treated that way, you are still young and you will meet the one who will understand you, be good to you and love you no matter what.
    1 person found this helpful
  29. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    30 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Good morning everyone, first and foremost for anyone reading this who has been through a similar scenario and has survived verbal or emotional or even spiritual, financial or physical abuse in any form of a relationship .. I just want to say I’m so sorry and you did nothing wrong! All of that makes perfect sense!

    I had only wished now that I stayed just friends with him for two years to really see what he was like.

    Those red flags happen and if you ignore them earlier on, then very later on in the relationship you could really pay for it.

    Do your research if you are in a relationship or are about to enter one!! If something does not feel right and your intuition is telling you something is not right then nine times out of ten it probably is not right! If you talk to them about concerns and your feelings and it ends up in a disagreement then that is a extremely toxic environment and YOU need to really reconsider your position and place in that relationship!

    I went through a phase in my previous relationship where I would not tell him how I felt because I thought he would yell at me and ignore my messages my hours on end. As well as give me the silent treatment for hours on end! When all I wanted to do was talk to him and sort of the problem. That seem to be his reaction in previous times. So it was only natural for me to expect that, right?

    Teach your girls that getting male validation and attention is not the main thing you should expect from life! Tell them that it’s perfectly ok to be independent.

    Remember, if you crying every night about how this person is treating you then that is not love. If you have to change your ideologies and beliefs for this person then that is not love. That is a toxic environment. There is more to love than saying ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’

    Early morning deep thoughts are GOOOOOOD for the soul.

    many thanks,

    PsychedelicFur xx

    1 person found this helpful
  30. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    326 posts
    30 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Love podcasts so I will check it out!!!!!

    love the idea of the course too!!! Sounds wonderfully insightful. Thank you for informing me!

    many thanks, PF xx

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up