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Topic: Leaving a toxic energy behind

  1. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    30 March 2021

    Today is one of my first days of actually not really missing him. i have used a list that I wrote up as a reminder on my bedroom wall anytime I feel tempted to text or speak to him. I also have a voice recording of myself reading out the list of things he has said and done that I listen to on a repetitive loop whenever I feel tempted to speak to him or hear his voice.

    I’m actually so proud of myself!!!!
    I’m recognising that the trauma and the damage he has put me through does not deserve my sympathy or attention. I made a reminder on my phone to listen to my recording everyday at midday. It’s definitely empowering!!

    1 person found this helpful
  2. ecomama
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    30 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PF

    That's really proactive of you making all those reminders.

    I'm so glad you feel more empowered!
    That's wonderful, you're doing so well!

    You ARE allowed to "be there" for yourself in any sad times.
    Brene Brown talks about "writing a permission slip" for yourself just like for a school excursion or something...

    You can give yourself "permission" to just be and feel whatever you're feeling.

    It's such a beautiful set of qualities you have being so in touch with your emotions, being sensitive, kind and caring.
    Looking after yourself the best you can will help keep these qualities (that we need a whole LOT in our world) instead of hardening us.

    Learning from this, not denying it, is the best education you could have for your future relationships with anyone.

    Hugs.

    You've got this!

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Missing user
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    31 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    hey PF. I just wanted to say I'm proud of you for trying. I know how difficult it is to get over someone even if you think you have. I acknowledge the effort you're making to try.
    2 people found this helpful
  4. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    31 March 2021

    Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it, greatly and immensely.

    Coming to my senses a little more. I haven’t cried much lately, which is interesting because I read somewhere on another insightful article that the reason why I am not grieving over my toxic ex was because during the relationship and up to the last couple of months I was crying every single or second day. I was grieving for the relationship then. And now I don’t have much in me anymore. I’m drained, tired, relieved but yet again I’m really really drained.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Missing user
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    31 March 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    that's good to hear, keep it up.
    2 people found this helpful
  6. Petal22
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    1 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Well done 😊 You should be proud of yourself 😊

    2 people found this helpful
  7. geoff
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    1 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello PF, I'm also very proud of you and if I can give you another example which you maybe able to relate to, but perhaps in a different logic, but they are virtually very similar and please I hope you don't feel upset because that's not what I would ever want to do.

    If a person has a new dog brought home, let's say 4 or 5 years old and all it does is keep barking and growling at this one person they would hesitate at first, would they try and appease it, but if this didn't happen would they be game to try and pat the dog, I certainly wouldn't and this has happened to me on countless occasions while working or even quoting people for any particular job, so I would quote a high price, hoping I wouldn't get the job.

    Relax and enjoy your freedom.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. ecomama
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    1 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF

    Sure we can certainly grieve the relationship while we're still in it.

    We can also be upset alot during abusive relationships trying to do ALL the things we thought would make them happy, veritably twisting ourselves in knots by their demands.

    THEN we realise it's far too much.
    NOTHING we could ever do would please them.

    The person is NOT the person we thought they were. Abusive ppl hide their real selves until they think they "got" us.

    Stephen Covey speaks of CHARACTER vs personality (disorders too).
    Character is deep. Compassion. Caring. Integrity to mention a few.
    Personality is surface stuff - ppl with little or no character put all their efforts into what they want others to see... until they can't keep up the facade any more.

    The lives of each type of person look VERY different.

    Wishing you well,
    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  9. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    1 April 2021

    It’s my ex partner’s birthday coming up. I feel like I’m obligated to say ‘Happy Birthday’ but I won’t because I’m hurting and I need to heal. And speaking to him again will jeopardise what I have achieved so far, with my healing.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. ecomama
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    1 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF

    These "firsts" can be quite challenging... are you able to plan some extra nice or fun things to do with friends or family on that day?
    Or the weekend after?

    Or even a LOT of self-care if you want to be alone?

    Try not to sear that date in your mind...

    I was married for over 20y and can barely remember the birthday BUT still have the odd "intrusive thought".

    How are you doing generally?

    I'm really impressed that you continued studying.
    High five!

    EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  11. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    1 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Thank you Em. How are you? Hope you are well. Hope you did some nice things for yourself today.

    I will try and have a bubble bath or do something really nice for myself.

    The bad words he said about me being ‘unattractive’ and ‘chubby’ are playing on my mind.

    In a bad state of mind at the moment with all of his negative thoughts bombarding my head. Some days, so far have been easy. Today, I have seem to get into the trap of hearing his voice say those sharp and cruel words to me.

    Lots of love,

    PsychedelicFur. xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  12. ecomama
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    1 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hi PF

    I'm doing well considering the awful news we got this week, so I'm trying to practice GRATITUDE as much as humanly possible. (I heard a program today that mentioned gratitude, empathy and mindfulness as great antidotes to anxiety - confirmation there 🥰).

    Look, absolutely no bones about it, that ex was so toxic.

    demon ex from over this way was horrid with saying stuff like that...
    I heard everything....

    In the end (which was really the beginning lol) I said "You have no credibility to say that to me".

    If you have Netflix you could watch "Embrace".
    You might have a cry IDK it's pretty awesome that show.
    It's about accepting our beautiful bodies regardless of what others say OR what the media represents.
    (There's ALL the Brene Brown stuff online too which is gold for everyone IMO).

    Another rebuff I would say to demon, and also in my head, was "the people who LOVE me don't make comments like that"

    this is true.

    So if WE love ourselves, which I'm certain we DO....(that's an affirmation there lol) then we don't let that shyte pass.

    I'm more than 3x older than you and I love my wonderful body!

    It's AMAZING.
    It heals and works for me so well.
    It grew the most awesome babies and fed them all too!

    Another truth of the matter is >>>> these controlling abusive ppl appear to have a specific M.O... when they KNOW they've "got" a person WAY too good for them, they have to work darned hard to belittle them, bring them down... in the hopes they will diminish their victim... so they will be brainwashed to stay.

    Like he's a catch hey?
    Nup.

    The best reaction is to live your best life PF and you are doing that to your full capacity.

    AFFIRMATION TIME lol... write them UP for yourself!
    Gosh I've done this for decades lol.

    It's funny and cute to see my own affirmations to MY SELF, I often laugh and say awwww.

    It's all okay. You ended it which gives you a chance for your own healing.

    EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  13. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    1 April 2021 in reply to ecomama
    Thank you gorgeous Em. xxx
    1 person found this helpful
  14. geoff
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    2 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello PF, if you were to say Happy Birthday to him, then you are opening the door for him to take advantage of the situation again, that's what you don't need for your own recovery.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  15. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to geoff
    Geoff, you are absolutely right. It would harm my recovery. And I don’t really need that right now. Thank you!!!
    2 people found this helpful
  16. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    2 April 2021
    I miss him. But he is bad for me. I know he is. I really truly know he is bad.
    1 person found this helpful
  17. ecomama
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    2 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    You are so much more than welcome.

    This time is a really tentative and probably "dangerous" time... when you've ended it BUT had some really strong feelings...

    Please PLAN SOME FUN TIMES with safe ppl like trusted friends and family.

    IDK if you're realising that when you're alone your mind "goes back" to ex?

    Your mind probably WILL go back to ex after the fun you've had, possibly even WHILE you're wherever you are trying to have fun....

    But catching yourself or "interrupting" that feedback loop of going around and around on the replay mouse wheel is important.

    Bringing yourself into the PRESENT time.
    The precious present!

    Enjoying this moment to the best of your capacity.

    I know you're already like this.

    I went to the movies today with my grandchildren and eldest daughter.
    The movie "Tom and Jerry" was way too long for the kids (and me tbh lol) but it was fun.

    I got to get "dressed up" out of my house clothes, put make up on wow lol, and just do something different and be with ppl I love and who love me!

    You've got this.
    NC all the way.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  18. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    4 April 2021
    Hi there,
    I really miss my emotionally abusive and narcissistic ex boyfriend. The temptation to text him has been strong, unfortunately. I definitely never want him back as a partner or even friend, at the moment. I just really truly miss him. I broke up with him because he was treating me badly. And I needed to do the best for myself. As my mental health was declining, quite severely. I just really miss our connection and the way it use to be between us before the abuse started.
    I mean, distractions help me. Just for so long though. I can be writing, reading or drawing but after a while I remember him and I begin to miss him. I literally broke up with him a couple of weeks ago and I haven't really cried much. On the day I broke up with him I was on the way to university and I attended my classes for the full day. Now though, I'm really recognizing that I'm hurting so much. Haha. And I really miss the bond we had together. I recognize it was a trauma bond. I know I deserve SO MUCH BETTER but I'm just so depressed and grieving. I did not need his abuse and I know he was bad for me but I really just hope one day he realizes that he loved me but he treated me so badly and I couldn't be with him. I have really been suppressing my feelings lately. And obviously that is not ideal. He really convinced me that I was so unlovable and childish. I cried a little bit, last week but my heart is aching and I'm hurting so bad now. Feeling horribly lonely.

    Feeling not too great at the moment,
    PsychedelicFur xxx
    1 person found this helpful
  19. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    6 April 2021

    Today, has been a lovely day. I ate a delicious dinner, I created some art and I also listened to some funky music. What did you do today that you are happy about?
    However, I am still feeling a little down.

    I unblocked my ex a couple of days ago because I thought I could just have them unblocked. And then when I looked tonight he had blocked me..

    I’m starting to gaslight myself by thinking maybe I was the one in the wrong. Maybe I hurt him.. even though I use to overthink so much and get so anxious.

    why would he of blocked me again? Did I hurt him? I haven’t even said anything to him. And I’m not starting a smear campaign by telling my close family members and friends what he said and did to me.

    am I going insane? Did I say or do something without realising that it had hurt him? I still care about him, to some degree so this actually frustrates me because why would he block me?

    I’m starting to question whether or not I am a good person or not.

    like I thought we could just not have each other blocked on social media and tonight he blocked me... I don’t really know why. Maybe he is hurting? Maybe he is ashamed?
    maybe I have done something to make him upset?

    I’m worried now. Because I’m scared that he is holding a grudge on me.

  20. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    It was meant to be *holding a grudge against me* my apologises haha
  21. geoff
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    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello PF, if you look up 'Stockholm syndrome' and although you weren't a hostage as it describes in the explanation, but it could be a reason why you miss him, hope that makes sense.

    The reason he has blocked you is showing domination over you and it's different to when other people block another person for a reason, so there are several reasons why, but perhaps with you, it's the first explanation.

    You are a good person and should never doubt that, logic is telling you one thing, yet your heart tells you another.

    You're caught in an unpleasant situation from which it is difficult to free yourself, and although I can't say what you should do, however, let him go, he isn't going to change, not for you or anyone else.

    I hope this hasn't upset you because that's certainly not my intention.

    Please get back to us.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  22. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hello Geoff, how are you?
    No, no you did not at all make me upset. Not one bit.

    it is a power thing because when I broke up with him, earlier in the piece he blocked me on Snapchat.. which is an app I never even use! So I am thinking it is a power domination thing.

    I have heard of Stockholm syndrome, yes. He even jokingly declared once that ‘Everyone only hangs around me coz they have Stockholm syndrome.’
    I didn’t know what to think or what to say afterwards.

    Many thanks for the response Geoff, helping me gain some more logic instead of internalising the situation and irrationally thinking.

    have a wonderful day and I hope you are well.

    psychedelicfur

    2 people found this helpful
  23. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Just to clarify he was speaking about himself in regards to why people hang out with him.
    2 people found this helpful
  24. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021

    I have found out that he has been talking to his ex crush. The one’s that house we went to. And the one that he said ‘I just have to come to the realisation that I will never be with her’

    the whole time I knew he still loved her. He even admitted later on that a few months when we first started dating he still had strong feelings for her. He has told her twice how he feels and she only sees him as a friend. What is wrong with me? Was I not good enough? How come he couldn’t just love me, the woman he had? How come he isn’t feeling any pain right now? How come he isn’t missing me?

    am I not enough?

    I’m so confused. I hate love.

  25. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021

    He use to always bring up how gorgeous he thought this individual was.

    maybe I’m not enough or even good enough. Maybe I’m the one who is forgettable and replaceable?

  26. ecomama
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    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF, sorry I've been off your thread... had a lot going on here..

    Please do yourself a MASSIVE favour and block him on FB and everywhere else.

    When you feel like contacting ex, you can write YOURSELF an email and get all those thoughts out of your system for the moment.

    It's ONLY been 2 weeks and that's a nanosecond for a relationship breakup.
    You can't "rush" this and thoughts and feelings WILL come up... it's what you DO in reaction to these which is either healthy or UNhealthy for you.

    Seriously, you need to THANK yourself for ending this horrible relationship!!
    Good enough?? oh come on!

    You are and will ALWAYS be way above THAT level....

    watch life carefully.... "water seeks its own level".

    You DO NOT belong in the cesspool of humanity!

    NO WAY!!

    The air is so much cleaner up here lol..

    Get back to the essential things that you KNOW help you... eating well, getting fresh air, hanging out with nice, trusted friends and family... planning NICE things for yourself to do...

    Saying to yourself "Okay once I finish this hour of study, I'm going to .... (I'll put one in lol GO TO THE BEACH) etc etc".

    If you've done ALL this and are still seeking to engage your mind in a healthy manner then sign up to VOLUNTEER somewhere... Church Food Pantries are great places to Volunteer... just sayin'.
    Simply giving an elderly neighbour some food from your garden or a Community Garden (I just hand it on their fence).

    Actions that make you feel good.

    The MORE you look after yourself, the MORE you will come to know 100% for sure that this abusive person is an O2 waster.

    EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  27. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hello Em, how are you?
    I hope you are well. I’m sorry to hear that things have been a bit hectic for you. Thinking of you.. if that makes any sense haha.

    Those are good suggestions. Just thoughts of being replaceable and not good enough float through my mind... he is already moving on. Which is typical to what a narcissist does.

    what about if nobody ever loves me or truly genuinely appreciates and cares about me though? I mean, I feel like the whole relationship was a lie and he only had feelings still for her... what did I do to deserve that?

    Thank you for dropping past.
    here for you too.

    please take care.

    PsychedelicFur xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Water seeks it's own level? Hmm interesting. I have looked up what that means as I have never heard of that terminology before. Something within me does need healing, I can fully acknowledge that.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. ecomama
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    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF

    Yep water seeks its own level.
    Wow I've never Googled it! lol I was told this same thing during the aftermath of my D Day years ago... + many other quotes too which I LOVE... like I thought I married my Knight in shining armour but it was just an idiot in tin foil. Hm lol.

    I had to Google it to see what you may have read, that's exactly what I meant.
    Not that YOU were seeking that ex's level... heck no!
    That the ex has flipped you off and is seeking its OWN level.

    You LEFT! You knew this wasn't "your level".

    Your level is far higher than that.
    That's why that r/ship would never work.
    ex is broken.
    You're NOT.

    So from that understanding about water seeking its own level... is to raise your expectations / even promises to yourself about what you want & what you will NOT tolerate in r/ships.
    Also to develop those core character traits within you like trustworthiness, steadfastness, reliability, authenticity etc so that you have embodied integrity & emanate it also.
    Stephen Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is a boomer for this!

    I hate to say this so bluntly, but that relationship was NOT about you as a person, in fact it wasn't about you at all!
    Narcs don't "see" or know the other person, they only seek "supply".
    They can never truly be intimate with another person and I understand that being loved and appreciated for being uniquely YOU is what would most likely be some things you would want from a long term r/ship.

    That person could never give you this, only abuse for wanting it... basically abuse for nothing!
    So good luck to its next victim.

    More about you and lamenting over whether you'll find this or that... I'm sure most of us have these thoughts after a r/ship ends esp if we would like to be in a loving one at some point.

    The more you LOVE and APPRECIATE yourself, the more likely you'll attract someone who does also. We could talk about "the next person" and working on self till the cows come home...

    for now, my really happy acceptance is KNOWING that we are born alone, travel life more or less alone regardless of r/ships - our journey to the end is alone.

    So when we LOVE our-self then we have awesome travelling company lol.

    There are no guarantees or promises in life that anyone can guarantee anything to you, anyone else or even themselves BUT If you read Covey's book, you'll develop a "flight path" that is set BY you & can seldom be shaken.

    The one thing you MUST do is look after yourself!

    EMxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  30. PsychedelicFur
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    337 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey Em, thanks for the response. Hope you have had a peaceful and lovely evening.

    Just dealing with a lot of emotions at the moment. I hope you are doing well. How are you going, really how are you?

    One day I will make him regret the decision of not realising that I genuinely, truly loved him. I’ll show him! I know I will and I can. I’m so determined. Determination can be a scary but wonderful thing.

    Yes, I had to google that terminology as I have never heard it before. I’ve learnt something new today, haha!

    thank you for teaching something today. I greatly appreciate it.

    many thanks,

    PF

    1 person found this helpful

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