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by Banksy92
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Grief and loss

Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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by Ggrand
4 days and 15 hours ago

Topic: Leaving a toxic energy behind

  1. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF

    It's OKAY to be emotional, gosh, you'd have to be a robot NOT to be after a break up like this.

    Crying it out helps, apparently it releases endorphins which are feel good hormones... well it has to come out some way, so may as well have a cry!
    It's crappy but you're gonna be OKAY!

    I'm doing really well considering some shocking news last week.
    I can feel the anxiety creeping in and some times tears too when I talk about it... it's an unchangeable event so the only things left for me to do is practise acceptance and strengthen myself to support my friends.

    I know you're very young, and I know this was your first serious relationship... so this could be a premature concept I'm offering, but I really want to tell you now, so that it might linger in your thoughts somewhat over time...

    ex will never know anything, nor care about anything but itself.
    ex doesn't have the capacity to care.

    Nothing you do from now on, will have nothing to do with ex.

    THIS is the truest most basest form of No Contact.

    NC meaning zero.
    ie NO FB stalking, no asking others about whether they've seen him, politely stopping the conversation IF anyone brings ex up..

    Even to use thoughts of ex in some attempts at motivation is baseless really...

    EVERYTHING you do is ALL about YOU.

    My trick I made up years ago when I was separated from my 2nd husband (with all our children 100% in my care)... was I IMAGINED a HUGE TALL 4ft thick concrete block wall all around myself and the kids...

    any time exH popped into my head, I visualised him going over the wall!
    OUTSIDE my mind.
    OUTSIDE my sphere of caring.
    just O-U-T out!

    It worked well for me!
    That was c30y ago... clearly I didn't share that exercise with HIM!
    He asked many questions about me, desperately, just last Christmas!

    Pffft my kids flipped all the questions off lol. Said I was engaged to a wealthy American man who's GORGEOUS and will move to the U.S. to marry him one day (LOL!). "Mum's off the market" they said hahaha.
    Well that's all either true or possible lol.

    Onwards and UPwards PF and if neither of those are possible in the moment then sitting with your own feelings is healing too.

    Love EM

    SO getting HIM out of my head stood me on firm ground to focus on my career, further studies, promotions and purchasing stacks of property lol.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16491 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello PF, I like what EM has said, but this chap is only saying what he did about his previous ex only because he wanted to be admired, 'loved' from every direction, he wanted to be the 'man of the moment'.

    You could keep asking yourself 'why wasn't I good enough for him and why didn't he adore me as he says he does about his ex' and why didn't he love everything about you, your perfections in letting him know you loved him and why as a couple couldn't we just move on together, but there will never be anyone good enough for him, that's why he's broken up with his ex, he's seeking more admiration and having it from one person isn't enough for him, he only wants to be surrounded by several girls, but who he can control.

    He's afraid of settling down with someone who loves him and a relationship where one person loves someone, but they don't return the love, is impossible to move forward.

    There will be someone who will show you the love you deserve, then you will realise that no matter what happens between you, love will prevail in all circumstances.

    No one could possibly love a person who wants it from every single available person, we can appreciate their gestures, but that's as far as it goes.

    Take care.


    2 people found this helpful
  3. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thank you both so much for your lovely and insightful replies. I genuinely appreciate them.

    Just to clarify, my ex partner has had a crush on this girl for years, apparently. He never dated her. However before I came into the scene he told her a countless amount of times how he felt for her and she always declined his offer. Now by the sounds of it he is trying to get her again. When I think, she only wants to be his friend.

    I’ve met her.. she is gorgeous and friendly. And she was no way interested in him, in a romantic way from what I could see.

    however when we left her house that day I could tell he still had enormous feelings for her. Just the way he praises her, the way he gets excited to talk about her.. it was awful for me. Because I was the girl he was dating and this other girl has no interest whatsoever in him, romantically. Yet he persisted to talk about her as if he was writing a romantic novel about their non existent love affair.

    Like what even? He said to me ‘I’ll just have to come to the realisation that I will never be with her.’

    who says that to their GIRLFRIEND???? The girl they are actually inimically involved in?????


    You both are so correct. And so are others that I have spoken to about this issue. He loves what we cannot have. He would never have a chance with this girl because she only sees h a good friend. Sometimes she doesn’t even reply to his messages for weeks, sometimes months.

    And I heard once that they were at an event and he reached in to hug her and it not only made her uncomfortable BUT THE WHOLE ROOM of people too.

    He needs to really grow up and be more accepting of what he had instead of what he cannot have.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    7 April 2021
    Even in an argument once when I said ‘I can tell you still love her..’ he got all defensive and then said ‘YEAH WELL IF I HAD TO PICK BETWEEN YOU AND HER I WOULD PICK HER ANYDAY!’ Who even says that to their girlfriend if they confront them for their love and lust over another woman???
    1 person found this helpful
  5. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    7 April 2021

    It honestly just felt like the WHOLE relationship was just a lie for him. I could tell he still had feelings for her. Why couldn’t he just admit that to me instead of always being so defensive and rude about it when I confronted him? My intuition was super strong about this and knew he still cared about her strongly. Just the way he would brag about how talented and beautiful she was/is. Then he would say ‘oh I cannot support you with your things because I have other stuff.. like sitting around the house playing video games and drinking with my friends.. instead of supporting you. But she did something and he said to me ‘oh let’s all watch it... she is so talented, so talented!’

  6. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    7 April 2021

    It’s that ridiculous that it sounds untrue!! I wish it was untrue, the whole situation and story.

    I am good enough.. actually too good to be honest! And I don’t need to settle for a man child who lusts over other women instead of really taking care and looking after the one who puts up with his complaining and problems. Yeah, nah!

  7. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    He sounds like a predator.

    Clearly he's a creep, continuing to contact her because he's so OBVIOUSLY interested in her and she has zero interest in him.
    That's creee-pyyyy.

    I hope she takes measures to protect herself as she feels uncomfortable (as I would too!!!).

    I think we spoke of this before??? But SHE sees things that you didn't (immediately).

    Maybe she will protect herself more, maybe she won't... none of that is any of your concern as she isn't your personal friend.

    If a person said that to me?
    hahaha I'd make that "choice" MUCH simpler.... exit promptly.

    I think you'd prefer to study ppl like this far more deeply.... once we work this stuff out in our minds... things stick out like black & white!
    "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" is a great book. Maybe your local Library will purchase it and others...

    Another one far more creepy but true is "But he says he loves me"....

    Once you've learned all you need to, it's much easier to let ALL this go and be grateful you dodged more pain.

    Basically, CONTROL is the major motivator for abusive ppl.
    When they DON'T have control over others it drives them insane... when they DO then they take the abuse to the next level.

    They feed their victims "kibbles" - just a few grains of hope - when they want that affection etc back.

    My hope for you is that IF you learn all you can manage to learn about abusive people NOW then it will keep you out of trouble in the future.
    Simultaneously working on yourself will strengthen your position, career, MH and all round feelings of worthiness.


    1 person found this helpful
  8. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey Em, yes. I have been actively watching videos and reading articles online about abusive people and very unhealthy relationships and friendships..

    And yes, I will actually use this as a learning curve. Because I know now the red flags.

    Would you actually believe it his nickname is Wolf though?? That says enough, doesn’t it?? haa. The term a ‘Wolf in sheep’s clothing’ probably resonates with him well.

    Those books sounds great. I need to expand my mind with knowledge about abusive people.. it could help me in the long run.

  9. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    7 April 2021 in reply to ecomama
    FYI - she is a few years older than me too so she probably has been put into experiences that has made her look past his creepiness..
  10. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF

    Tbh I think she SEES his creepiness hence she keeps a good distance!
    He's told her many times he's interested in her yet she shuts it down...
    the thing with predators, they don't "get" the message.
    They hope to wear their object down to the point of compliance.

    Control is their M.O.

    I also think Wolf took you along to visit her in efforts to make her feel more comfortable.
    Like "oh he's got a GF now, I'm safe and can let my guard down a little" WRONG.
    It was a creepy move to try to hug her remember?

    Toxic / abusive / predator type ppl use others as "minions" to triangulate in all sorts of efforts.
    These ppl cannot change in my honest belief.

    Sometimes consequences of their actions make them curb their tendencies eg AVOs and IVOs etc... but from what I've seen, it can never change their true natures.

    I hope you can do some nice things for yourself today.

    It will help give you some "balance" in your life!

    Getting bogged down in all this is a veritable rabbit hole, not mentally healthy to get stuck in.

    Best wishes

    2 people found this helpful
  11. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    10 April 2021

    Honestly, he is such an energy draining vampire and toxic influence. I can see some light now. When I was with him I lost interest in my passion for art and creating. Because my time was consumed with sorting out pointless toxic, energy draining fights. Now, I have been drawing more than before. And I’m honestly loving it. It’s a great distraction and people are also really enjoying seeing my art too.

    He stopped me from doing the things that I so much loved because all of my time and effort had to be focussed on him. Had to answer the phone when he called. Had to text him back as soon as possible and had to attend to his needs too.

    feeling so much more relieved and at peace with myself, even though it has been a few weeks. Going back with him would be like taking one step forward then twenty steps back. Draining, pointless, silly and not ideal for my future.

    Worth more than that,


    1 person found this helpful
  12. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    10 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PF what an incredible, insightful post to read!

    YOU ARE WORTH WAAAAAY WAY MORE THAN THAT. No truer words ever spoken lol.

    I don't completely understand the "pull" towards toxic ppl BUT it's a thang!
    I felt trapped by the marriage and "family" construct.

    Thankfully demon is gone now!

    We do indeed waste SO much time and energy on these ppl in a close relationship.
    It reminds me of the Narcissist's "view" of relationships being they are the King and they have servants.
    Not equals, just ppl to use and work FOR them.

    Extremely demanding.

    You sound so much like my eldest daughter, Alexa - not her real name lol... she's been through this with her ex so many times...
    I was astounded that she could SEE and NAME all the things ex was doing yet somehow couldn't quite escape the pull back to him.

    When she was going back, I began COUNTING the times she left in front of her...
    apparently it takes an average of 17 times for a woman to leave an abusive partner!
    I said we're nearing 17!

    But it could be 117 and ofcourse some poor women never escape. God Bless them.

    Alexa's art flourished during these times...
    She's only now allowing herself to deeply grieve and cry over it all. Hugs to you both.

    Praying you go from strength to strength PF and I'm 100% sure you will!

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  13. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    11 April 2021

    Hello hello Em, how are you going? I hope you are well. How has your day been so far?

    how is your daughter coping? What type of art does she create?

    i loooooove art. I enjoy creating.

    I feel so much better without him, my mind is at peace.

    PF Xx

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    hi PF

    thanks for sharing

    no judgements here, re what ur ex said about u. I have heard some things myself and as I said - at the time 28 years young.

    Attacks on my character or whatever between insistences that if it was up to him we'd be married yesterday. Why would someoene who thinks so lowly of u be with u?
    They wouldn't... i reckon they think highly of u and ur a beautiful person inside and out, however ppl try and bring u down and shatter self-esteem. As women, we often have little insecurities. Things that truly make us beautiful and special etc but maybe we don't feel so good about them....until we learn to love ourselves. And sadly those are the areas that are targeted. Because they sense a soft-spot there.

    PF i don't know if it means more or less because I can't see you - but u are ATTRACTIVE SMART AND STRONG

    2 people found this helpful
  15. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to Guest_1643
    Thank you so much for your lovely response.
  16. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    4567 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to Guest_1643

    Agree 100% Sleepy, PF MUST be a wonderful, smart and intelligent young woman... Artistic too!

    Hey PF
    Thanks for asking, I'm doing well considering so much on atm.

    What type of Art does Alexa do?? Umm she'd be better at answering really... she paints with a few different mediums, sketches, has done some beautiful digital art (from photos). She's very creative with other crafts too - just made the kids THE most amazing Minecraft Easter Hats for their EH Parade! lol.

    What type of art do you do?

    Alexa's also studying her next degree in Psychology and working tons of hours etc etc.

    Today she filmed her and I in a mock Counselling session for her Course.
    When she watched it back she said "WE NAILED IT! omg!" lol... yeah well I'm an old hat at Counselling sessions!

    I found out today that her friend is learning how to do Animation... I had a dream about 5y ago about the complete cycle of DV but the dream was an ANIMATION. SO amazing, so weird!
    I tried to find someone to make it for me to share.... couldn't at the time, too many Courts etc.

    Her friend MIGHT be willing to do this animation with me! It could be VERY educational for people in jobs who support DV Victims.
    And another from a formidable Dream I had that turned out to be prophetic... that dream had a HUGE impact on the direction of my life, Thank God I paid attention to it.

    How's study going?

    I wanted to ask if you had a PT job or such?

    You're doing SO WELL. I Thank God you got out of that relationship "early". Hugs!

    Love EM

    3 people found this helpful
  17. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hello there Em, thank you for getting back to me. What a lovely message. Your daughter sounds incredibly talented and very articulated.

    Interesting choice of art!! I looooove sketching and a bit of painting. I mainly do psychedelic art pictures inspired from artists such as Peter Max art.. so colourful and vibrant WHICH I SIMPLY ADORE. Or I do a lot of realism and portraits of my favourite singers and influential people etc.

    I’m studying a university course which mainly focusses on writing at this current moment. I love reading, writing and drawing. I have an admiration for journalists, writers and illustrators.

    That is so great about your daughter and you recording a mock up psychologist session. Love that!! Bet it was wonderful.

    I do a lot of community work at the moment.

    Creative people are my favourite type of people. They are so unique and definitely perceive the world from a different angle or light. I thoroughly enjoy seeing people’s perspectives or interpretations of the world and it’s issues represented through their art.
    Recently, I drew a picture of a member from my favourite band that resonates with late seventies, early eighties art rock!!!

    All the best. Take care of yourself Em. Sending hugs, cups of tea, fliers and positive thoughts your way.
    PF. Xx 🌈☮️🌞

    1 person found this helpful
  18. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Thankyou PF, same to you too!

    lol peace love and mung beans!

    Your interest in music is from my teen and early 20s time lol. I was so lucky to be able to see so many bands from that time... I wish I could USB those experiences for YOU! hahaha.

    Alexa has a website that she sells some art thru. Her first sale, was to a lady who TATTOOED Alexa's art on to her body! I was horrified and Alexa said it was the biggest compliment she could've received.
    I get that.

    She's also very musical, being able to play lots of instruments which is AMAZING. She only had 6 month's piano lessons and can play almost anything, then taught herself how to play the guitar, flute and other stuff.
    Yvette's the same musically but has an added angelic voice with a vocal range same as Mariah Carey... when she sings, well I can't explain it. She's VERY shy so won't sing in front of an audience any more but she dances and does that.

    The boys are creative in engineering type ways, construction, IT and thinking of left field solutions - well we're all left field thinkers lol!

    I'm always in awe of young people like you and my kids.

    We have SO MUCH of Alexa's art hanging in every room (except the loo lol) and a few sculptures too. Now her children's art hanging also lol.

    Creating is so soothing.
    I mostly "create" solutions for my workplace which is never ending.
    I love to think of ways to improve my huge garden which suffered years of neglect and was / is pretty much trashed by demon.
    Still I'm getting there and I'm happy with that.

    Inside our home, I'm on the slightly "minimalist" journey lol. MAN THERE'S so much to do there!
    We expelled 8sq metres of rubbish AGAIN in January and wow... it was awesome.
    demon dumped rubbish here even AFTER we got it out, but for decades b4 that too.
    (See what I mean about escaping early! hahaha).

    Blue's minimalism thread was wonderful support.

    Better get this day started.
    Need to buy new tools from Bunnings to put some new furniture together.
    We're replacing all the broken furniture he damaged.
    Last year I bought ALL new kitchen appliances and it still makes me ZING when I walk in there lol.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  19. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    12 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Honestly I love that. You sound like a loving and such a proud mother. Amazing!! The kids sound super talented and very intelligent individuals.

    Playing instruments, doing art and being heavily involved in the engineering side of things. Wow!! I’m blown away.

    I have had a story once published many moons ago. And I do art, writing and I use to play drums and I was self taught on the alto saxophone.


  20. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    341 posts
    12 April 2021

    Missing him and wishing things had been far different between us. I know he was/is incredibly toxic and I have no second thoughts about my decision, I definitely made the correct decision by leaving him. I’m just grieving over the partner I wish I had. The way he was in the beginning.. I wish things were far

    different but they turned out this way. I still care about him and I don’t wish him any ill luck. I just hope that one day he can realise that his behaviour was what caused our relationship to finish. He probably won’t realise and if or when he does realise it will be far too late. Hopefully one day he realises is what he truly did wrong. Until then I will be strong and carry on!!

    I don’t think he is grieving but let again maybe narcissists only grieve over the fact that they no longer have a supply..

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