I am a 26 year old female and I was diagnosed with OCD in year 2. Brief overview of my OCD over the years includes disturbing thoughts about having a physical illness, fear of snapping and killing someone, fear of doing something sexually inappropriate in the past, and fear of being crazy or having schizophrenia. I’ve had and still have both physical and mental compulsions to accompany these wonderful thoughts. Doing compulsions makes me feel as if I’m preventing something bad from happening. If I don’t do one, it’s not worth the anxiety so I’ve always given in. The thing that bothers me the most are thoughts that I have that tell me NOT to do things, such as don’t eat that or someone will die today, don’t say the word thanks or someone in the world will die, don’t get a tattoo or you will die etc. The result of these thoughts is usually me avoiding doing the thing as the thought of causing something to happen is unbearable. I tell myself that I didn’t want to do those things anyway, I guess to make myself feel better about being bossed around by my thoughts.
My boyfriend and I dated for 3 months before making it official. During those 3 months I fooled around with a male friend. I convinced myself I had cheated and told my boyfriend. He said it wasn’t cheating and he didn’t care. However the thought I cheated didn’t leave. I obsessed about it constantly and had compulsions as well.
My boyfriend and I decided to move out and then a new thought popped into my head. I had betrayed my friend (my friends ex) (I only see her at group gatherings). I wanted to get reassurance that she didn’t hate me but I couldn’t tell her as it wasn’t my business to tell and it would have caused more issues between her and my male friend. I also knew it was a compulsion and wouldn’t make me feel any better to get reassurance.
So I moved out (first time with my first serious bf) and the thoughts have been as follows for months now
- I don’t deserve to be in a relationship
- I am going to hell for cheating
- I am going to get karma for being a shit friend
- This karma will involve my family dying, my future kids dying or the consequence of something shit happening in the world if I have kids
- That I’m having anxiety and these thoughts because I want to break up with my boyfriend deep down
- That the only way I can prevent things happening is to break up with him
I am seeing a psychologist in a weeks time as I’ve finally had enough. Advice till then?