Hi, I’m blue and what follows reads as boring, but for me it really bad.
One of my ocd problems is that I fear hurting others. I’ve had this problem on and off since I was a child. I am 65 now.
Two weeks ago I decided to make chicken soup in the crockpot. For my husband and I, and to give to our son to take home for himself and grandson.
I’ve done this before but never without ocd thoughts, and often I don’t do such things because I just can’t deal with the anxiety.
Anyway, I started to make the soup. I had nearly finished preparation and put in chicken last, I thought one piece maybe, possibly, might not have looked the right colour. I went back and forth in my mind, unable to convince myself that the chicken was fine and ended up throwing it all out, and then scrubbed all the places the chicken could have, maybe, might have touched including the fridge even though chicken had been well wrapped in plastic etc..
The following week I was determined to make some stew my son likes and was able to cook it and give it to him to take home -ocd thoughts were there but I persisted.
A week later I challenged myself and made the chicken soup for them once more and it was all a success too, despite ocd thoughts which are so exhausting.
Yesterday I made chicken soup with all the ocd thoughts, sent son home with some, cleaned up, stacked dishwasher and put leftovers in fridge for husband.
Some hours later, at quite a late hour, I went to unpack dishwasher but discovered the glass lid of crockpot had shattered into thousands of pieces. I started clean up, and while doing so I started to worry that maybe the lid had broken a little bit while in use, and I hadn’t noticed, and sent son home with soup full of shattered tempered glass. They would have eaten and gone to sleep, and I knew I shouldn’t ring them anyway as part of me knows that no, it did not happen, but other part of me was convinced they were going to die from my soup.
I cleaned kitchen in places glass pieces could not have really gotten. Worrying/terrified all the time about son and grandson. it took me over 3 hours to clean it, do things repeatedly because I didn’t do it right the first time etc
All last night I barely slept, had high anxiety, ended up with a dreadful migraine -I get them anyway but this one was very bad.
I decided I’m done trying, won’t cook again. But, anything I do for others involves this fear of accidentally, carelessly causing them harm. I’m exhausted.
thank you for reading