Generally I am craving for being among people, but lack social skills allowing me to get closer.
Whenever I meet someone, I am terrified, my mind goes blank. And this moves to "what-should-I-say-now,what-should-I-say-now", "they probably think I am boring/cold/rude", "oh,this is so awkward", "what if they think I am not worthy talking to anymore?" etc. I need a moment to get used to them and realize that they are not going to eat me and I can actually talk to them (if they are still there of course).
During parties I am the listener and observer, and I need someone safe (usually my husband) to be beside me to feel comfortable.
I am also OK speaking in front of people, as long as I am prepared. But any change of agenda and if I have to answer sudden questions I get light-headed, dry throat, go bright red, my heart wants to beat itself out of my chest, and really just want to turn around and run away.
But the real problem is this horrible fear of being left out, not fully accepted, never being invited to share time with those people I care about. In the past, I preferred just to leave thinking that I am not good enough for them to accept me. Once I was openly pushed away from a group, because I was the target of bullying, and they didn't want to have trouble because of me. Back then I already shut myself out and I didn't bother.
I volunteer in the community, I thought I got somehow close to couple of people and even thou the progress is really slow, I was OK with it. But recently one person from 'my' group was moving so I offered my help, but was told they have enough helpers. After that this person started discussing plan of action for the moving day with two others from 'my' group. This completely kicked me off balance. I don't think it was intentional, as I can feel I am liked and respected. And well, I know it is slow and the necessary closeness has not bloom yet, but still it hurts as hell. Later at home I ended up in teary mess. I wanted to scream "What did I do wrong?", "Why am I being treated so different if we all started the volunteering at the same time?", "it's so unfair", etc.
After calming down I started being angry at them. But this I can handle. I will not jump out at them, I know I suck big time when it comes to socializing. But I am learning how to improve.
The thing I am in need now is rather how to cope with this overwhelming pain of rejection, disappointment and how to prevent pushing them away due to my upset condition.