Thank you for replying. Since making this post - which was in a desperate moment... I have had some days where I couldn't talk to anyone, gave into 'letting myself go', and binge eating, and show watching, and being generally irresponsible with my health... and now I am feeling a bit better, and made it to the shops today, and returned to my meditation attempts.
I relate to your manner of dealing with anxiety. It's an interesting point - we are exposed to so much superfluous academia in the current day, simply out of the incredibly priveleged position of not having to technically hunt, gather, or protect to thrive. But we do still need to meet these urges, in subtler, less clear ways. Ways that won't satiate our original impulses even though they essentially achieve the same thing. I agree that being present with the emotion in its historical context really helps put it all in perspective.
For me the next step, and the most difficult step, is applying that buzzing need to contribute to my own health, and working on feeling satisfied by just that. There will be no applause or exchange to be won of doing 'the right thing', and you won't be able to sense the reward in any way until it is cultivated. This makes it so hard. But the easiest way for me to work off my anxiety is to move in space, and return my mind to a place of physicality, acceptance, and converting that energy into a form. If I can run, great, but often just going out walking breaks it, at least minimally. Learning to truly accept loneliness has been a long battle.
Thank you. The 'bad person' part is something I have to juggle so much. I think it's important to acknowledge I've been a villain in some people's lives... to be present with that, and let myself be with the emotions that rise up, the anxiety of wanting to 'fix' it, when I can't, and be present with how much more complicated than being a hero or a villain it always is. There's being a villain - which is a bad person with a purpose, and then there's being a scumbag - a bad person who has no purpose except vacant greed, and this idea is also immensely hard to come to terms with. In this heavily populated world it's hard to believe we are a good use of precious resources - and while feeling bad about that is a first step, stopping there, in aware inaction, is distressing, especially when you continue to act out of desperation, greed, impure places that you observe from a standpoint of horrified indecision.