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Topic: All came crashing back down

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. MegsyMessy
    MegsyMessy avatar
    7 posts
    16 June 2020
    I've just spent 4 weeks at a recovery centre getting myself back to some kind of normal and feelings of worth........ Come home and the house has gone to shit...I mean really bad. UN kept, messy, bad messy and dirty. And I just lost it, went straight to the negatives saying that couldn't you guys think that maybe it would be nice for mum to come home to a clean and tidy home.... At least tidy? Why? I am not worth it, why would you? You don't care enough about me to even think about doing something nice for me. Why did I bother going through all this over 4 weeks away from my family.... What was the point.
  2. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1492 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to MegsyMessy

    Hi MegsyMessy

    Sounds like you stepped foot into your first significant challenge, after recovering a bit of peace and compassion outside of the house. No doubt about it, questionable behaviour can lead to triggering a lot of questions.

    I imagine you're going to face some more questionable behaviour before the week's out. Being a mum to a 14yo boy and a 17yo girl, we've shared a lot of ups and downs in fine tuning our relationships in raising each other.

    Not sure if this will change things but question just about everything questionable, out of sheer curiosity. Do not settle, under any circumstances, for 'I don't know' as an answer. Manipulate an answer out of them, carefully (not aggressively). It's an art form my daughter's led me to mastering. I admit, she's been a star in raising my consciousness over the years. She'd rarely settle for 'I don't know' out of me as an answer or 'Because I said so'. Had a heck of a lot of revelations over time, including much of what I'd say to her being based on what I was taught as a kid. Of course, we're taught to stop questioning our parents, even when they've got no good reason. A lot of it's tradition, based on how they're taught. A lot is highly questionable. Then you get a challenging curious little offspring who demands answers.

    I try to be conscious of reasoning with my kids. They're rarely left to wonder about my reasons. They are also very reasonable people. Some of the time we'll even reason our way through to negotiation, a compromise. It's a bit weird, hey, how we're never really taught the skill of reasoning as kids.

    So, 'Hey kids, why did you not think to prepare the house for me on my return?' Answer may be 'I don't know'. Your response 'Not good enough, I want you to think about why you didn't and then tell me the reason'. You're asking them to be reason able. Perhaps the answer is simply 'We were thoughtless. We didn't think (beyond ourselves)'. You, 'How do you think you could be more thoughtful now that I'm back?' Remember, don't settle for 'I don't know'. Running you a bubble bath would be super thoughtful.

    Be prepared to be challenged by them too. 'Mum, why can't I do this or go there?' You'd better have a good reason, one they can relate to otherwise they're going to say 'That's not good enough'. Works both ways :) Makes for a mutually respectful relationship.

    So, any questionable behaviour, question it. Any unreasonable behaviour, calmly demand a reason for it. Easier said than done, I know :)

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Pete66
    Pete66 avatar
    12 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to MegsyMessy
    Yup , know the feeling

    Maybe you could work out a roster of jobs to be done by the rest of the family, you have spent years raising them, time they started to put in a little effort
    1 person found this helpful
  4. leesy_lou
    Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    leesy_lou avatar
    60 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to MegsyMessy

    Hi MegsyMessy,

    Just wanted to start by saying congratulation on going to, and getting to the end of recovery, thats in itself deserve a mention! You should be really proud of your progress regardless of what other people do or say, it huge!

    How so so frustrating and deflating to come home to a house like that! It seems like as soon as you felt you were getting things back together, life just wasn't on your side. I'm sorry that you weren't able to get the welcome home you needed, or deserved. Somethings people don't always think the way that we do, show love the way that we do or to the extend that we do, especially children. We are all wired a little different and a conversation can help clarify this. It seems that your family was a big motivator for your recovery and your disappointment is more about them not showing you that they cared and considered your feelings, than the mess itself. Does that sound right?

    Keep in touch.

  5. Herbie H
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Herbie H avatar
    7 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to MegsyMessy

    Hi MegsyMessy,

    Well done on getting through the four weeks, I hope that was a good experience in itself for you. It's a shame that you came home to a messy house. I can sympathise with you, if I had been in your position, I would have felt very deflated and pretty angry. Perhaps you have done so much for them over the years that it didn't even register for them to clean the house. Not excusing the behaviour, but maybe they need reminding or instruction on your standards, and their responsibilities.

    The last thing you need while you're concentrating on your own health is to have to pick up after others. Perhaps discuss with them why they didn't think it was important to clean while you were away, and do they understand the strain it placed on you when you came home to a messy house. Draw a line in the sand and tell them they need to help if they want you to help them. Someone suggested a list of tasks, that's a great idea. Hopefully they get a sense of achievement from keeping the house clean, and it will help take the pressure off you so you can concentrate on your own health.

    Stay strong and look after you.

  6. MegsyMessy
    MegsyMessy avatar
    7 posts
    14 July 2020

    Well, I needed up in ED then a 3 week stint in a Psych ward after I posted that post.

    I am home now, was supposed to go to a recovery Center after this but they were full, so I came home. I couldn’t stay in there any longer. Did I come home too soon??? Do i need that recovery time??

    I feel kind of lost, not knowing what to do with myself. I don’t know myself, if that makes sense. I feel like I am taking each day as another day to go by, waiting to go to bed.

    Not sure what to do.

    Thanks for reading.

  7. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4424 posts
    14 July 2020 in reply to MegsyMessy

    Sorry to hear thing have been a real struggle for you.

    Do you have any support?

    If you want someone to chat with,... I will listen. Perhaps just tell me what is on your mind? A little of your story?

    Peace and comforting thoughts to you

    Tim

  8. leesy_lou
    Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    leesy_lou avatar
    60 posts
    15 July 2020 in reply to MegsyMessy

    Hi MegsyMessy,

    Thanks for replying and checking in, despite the circumstances is nice to hear back from you <3

    I hear say that staying in recovery longer is something you question needing right now, and that currently you find yourself living at home waiting for each day to start and finish. I can understand why you would be feel really lost at the moment and wanting to be back in recovery, which is commonly quite structured and regimented. Being at home offers alot of freedom which can be weirdly unpleasant.

    It sounds like there are aspects about recovery that you liked, or found beneficial? If its okay I would love to hear more about your experience.

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