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Topic: Am I being selfish??

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Yelah90
    Yelah90 avatar
    11 posts
    24 June 2020
    I'm almost 30. Don't get me wrong i love my grandparents dearly.
    But every week I help my mum out shopping with them.
    I get mad because my parents guilt trip me into helping. Because I have nothing better to do.
    I would rather be out ibushwalking instead and enjoying my life, before I get goo.
    I'm just mad. That I'm kinda force into it. Then afterwards my mum goes and has a rest while I'm sitting home bored.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Leisa68
    Leisa68 avatar
    96 posts
    24 June 2020 in reply to Yelah90

    Hi Yellah90.

    I hope this post finds you well. I think and could be wrong that you are more frustrated with yourself than your family. The feeling of frustration with myself makes me very angry and uninterested. Do you live near an area where you could walk more? Maybe you could go for a walk around the time your mum shops?

    I am saying this as I involve my son into helping me with my parents, he gets bored too. I do this as I want him to have people in his life on a daily basis, for him to know that they are there, believe me, he gets bored quickly too.

    I get pretty tired after looking after my parents rather quickly so I have a 'nanna nap' too. In the end, it is always good to think about why we are bored and angry at situations. Are you selfish? I don't think so.

    But with me and my son, I try to keep him involved with life so he does not forget it (and in particular the people around him) in case something happens to me.

    Take care

    Leisa68


    1 person found this helpful
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    white knight avatar
    8254 posts
    24 June 2020 in reply to Yelah90

    Hi, welcome

    Like a lot of family responsibilities we can get the balance wrong. It seems weekends could be booked up With exciting activities but you’re obligated to shop with your grandparents.

    I think there is a little selfishness present not abnormally so. Perhaps place a limit in the time helping them EG noon - that’ll give you time to spend the rest of the day doing what you want. If your mum really needs your help she can wake 90 minutes earlier and get home from the shops earlier.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Joseph2409
    Joseph2409 avatar
    14 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Yelah90
    To add to comments from leisa and white knight

    Family is important.
    Being involved and assisting in essential activities such as shopping can feel like an obligation you're pulled into, in this case you're not wrong to feel the way you do, and there is nothing wrong in feeling that.

    Help your family where you can

    BUT

    Balance is important.
    You are an individual and they need to recognize that as well. A good down to earth conversation with your family is probably worth while

    Plan in advance,
    Plan for the weekend you want and then where you're free add family in a way where you can help or even just maintaining some communication.

    Again
    Plan for the weekend you want and make sure to build habits and routines that work for you, that benefit you, to consider the fact you've come to this forum you obviously feel like you're being held back enough that you're losing the connection to the outside you would so definitely enjoy.

    Maybe organise to do a shop at the end of a normal week day to get most if not all required items freeing up the weekend

    I've spent a lot of my time not doing what I want because I've really put my effort into avoiding my family and even going out and being active may generate conversation which means I then may be at risk (in my head) of being criticised for something.

    I've broken my habits and connection to nature by not being involved in it for whatever reason, only now that I live out of home and I have time for myself am I finally going to the gym, going on walks, doing gardening, sitting in the sun with my cat etc etc etc.

    Your family should understand if you can't help EVERY week
    Deffinetly help some weeks but find the balance.

    All the best my friend.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6313 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Yelah90

    Dear Yelah

    Hello and welcome to the forum. It's a great place talk about life and its difficulties.

    I see you have put this thread in the Depression forum. Does this mean you have depression? If so I can see how this can affect how you see life in general and your family in particular.

    Being part of the family circle has its requirements as well as its joys. Helping your grandparents to shop can be a huge job. It will certainly take up your time although only once a week. I notice that when your mom has a rest after the shopping you sit around bored. I am presuming mom and grandparents go shopping at the same time every week. Can you plan your activities around this. Go for a walk after the shopping (or before).

    What activities do you enjoy and want to engage in? Can you do any of these things during the rest of the week or after shopping. Planning our activities can be very useful. What activities do you have at home?

    Yelah, please don't be angry because you have been asked to join in or help out with a family activity. Shopping is something that needs to be done. Is this the only outside activity your grandparents have? It probably means a great deal to them to have you around when they shop.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Rocky.P.
    Rocky.P. avatar
    5 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Yelah90

    Hi Yelah90's,

    I hope you are doing ok. I agree with everything that has been posted so far, and it doesn't mean you are selfish because you want to do things you enjoy, I think many of us have these feelings when we are asked to do things we don't really feel like we enjoy doing.

    The main thing I wanted to add to what has already been said is, have you asked why your mum wants you to go with them? I know that my parents used to ask me (or expected me to and guilted me) to do things with my grandparents when they were still alive. I often felt like you did, but it wasn't until I asked my mum why I had to do these things that I understood. As my grandparents got older, they used to treasure and value the time they spent with their grand-kids more and more. It wasn't that my mum 'needed' me, it was that my grandparents did. The time they got to spend with their grand-kids was the time they looked forward to most... even if it was just a shopping trip or a quick visit to help with some jobs in the yard. I came to realise that the time I was giving up was allowing them to enjoy some time in their lives. Maybe ask your mum why she needs you there, it may help you understand what your time means to those around you.

    Try to be gentle with yourself though, not wanting to do something or being bored doing it doesn't make you a bad person or selfish. Try to 'sit' with your feelings, allow them space by acknowledging and accepting them and you'll maybe find that you can learn to enjoy the time you spend with family and still have the time and energy to do the things you love too. It can be exhausting trying to keep our emotions and thoughts at bay, allowing ourselves to accept our thoughts and feelings and acknowledging that they aren't 'wrong' or 'bad' can be a huge relief.

    Hope things improve for you soon

    Rocky

    1 person found this helpful
  7. SarahZ
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    SarahZ avatar
    119 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Yelah90

    Hellow Yelah90,

    Thanks for reaching out.

    Echoing the same sentiments as the others, you aren't being selfish. Everything is about striking a balance. I know my mum always makes me go shopping with her on Mondays to buy groceries for my grandparents. Whenever it was close to exams I would not go for weeks on ends and I definitely felt guilty. But really it was my mental health > shopping during those times. Maybe discuss with your mum the schedule around your weekly shopping trips such that you can fit shopping comfortably around your personal activities. Aside from needing you for physical support, do you perhaps think your mum and grandparents consider this time as bonding time with you?

    From personal experience, if you really don't feel like helping out one day it's better to just take a pass. I know bringing in negative energy and a less than ideal attitude when shopping is never enjoyable for anyone involved. I'm sure your grandparents would also be really understanding if you're honest about not feeling up to it sometimes. Be gentle and kind to yourself!

    Wishing you all the best.

    1 person found this helpful

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