Hey guys - sorry for the rant. I'm new to this (and it shows lol).
So, HSC results came out last month, and I took it pretty hard. I don't really remember the week after, but I don't think I talked to anyone. I was stuck in some pretty dark thoughts. When I got that number, a lot of things crashed down on me - I tied a lot of my self-worth to that result. It's like that number told me, you have no future, and when my mind took over, it snowballed into you're fat and ugly and stupid (my mind's not very articulate).
I feel so heavy. At random points of the day, it pulls me to the floor. I couldn't cry, for some reason, and I feel emotionally dead, except for this perpetual dread. I haven't responded to my friends - they all did well and I keep thinking that they have this power over me. And strangely, I've been having nightmares every night and waking up exhausted. I sleep at 6am because I torture myself over every mistake I ever made and the sheer loneliness kills me. I think, How can I ever be happy knowing that nights like these exist?
It sounds weird and I can't really explain it, but I'm worried that I'm just doing this for attention. And worse, I kind of don't want to get better. It feels like I haven't punished myself enough and I'm scared of when I'll be okay again because that means forgiveness and acceptance and I can't do that right now. I haven't gone to anyone, because I'm probably just being dramatic. Sometimes, I feel really okay. The numbness actually helps a little. Maybe I'm pitying myself and letting it go to my head.
A few days ago, my parents told me that my behaviour was childish, that I was being rude by shutting myself up in my room. I know they mean well. They don't know how to deal with me. But I think that was the first time that I had cried since the results, and I was surprised at how emotional I got. It felt like my deepest fear, that I was just being a dramatic teenager and everyone feels this way and this is life, just some bottomless pit. And I was angry too. How can I possibly justify that? I have no right to be angry! I get their point - I just had never felt so alone.
I don't know what I want to get from writing this. My head is full of fog, and I am so drained. I didn't want to consider the big D-word for fear that I was just indulging myself. Am I faking this? Is this normal?
God, I know what I must sound like. There are people with real issues! I'll shut up now. Thank you for reading through all of this.