Welcome to the Forum, you have had a hard time of it and not faced the best of the medical profession. Reading here on the Forum there are number of people that started out being diagnosed with depression, and were treated as such, only to find out later it was in fact Bipolar. I'm no doctor and do not have this particular condition, but suspect this is more common than one might imagine.
Being on the wrong medication - even when the diagnosis is correct - often happens too. Everyone is different and so are their reactions. Sadly it can be an ongoing trial and error to find what works best. I've had many years of different meds before I finally found one that suited me and did not have marked side effects.
So being in charge of your own treatment, as you are saying, is most important. It sounds, if you don't mind my saying so, that there might be room for some improvement to your current regimen. Do you have a long term psychiatrist to assist with this?
Living with someone who had a mental condition, in my case it has been PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety, can be very hard and I'm sure your wife, like mine, will have felt completely lost at times. Facing unwarranted anger can be frightening and very stressful. May I ask if she has support, a parent, family member of friend to lean on and understand? My wife had her mum and that made all the difference.
There is a long-running thread here called:
Staying well /
This bipolar life
where you may be able to compare notes with others who have your condition.
You are very welcome to return here anytime