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Topic: Broken and unsure: I have not been OK for weeks

22 posts, 0 answered
  1. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    12 April 2020

    G’day all

    I’m having a real crappy time at the moment, depression has stuck its head back up,the feeling loneliness and not having anyone around I’ve been in tears all day pretty much crying myself to sleep through out waking up and back in tears again.

    I don’t know what brings it on, I can be good one minute/day the next I’m at rock bottom.

    I don’t have anyone around to talk to as for friends family or so on. I just wish this shit would all just go away.

  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2046 posts
    12 April 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hi shucks46

    I am so sorry you are having a really lousy day, that it is being consumed with tears and with sadness and sleeping, however there is one great thing, you have reached out here to us and to share how you are feeling and we can reach back and let you know we care and that you are not alone.

    We are going through a really unusual time at the moment and I think this is really impacting all of us in some form, it is like nothing we have ever known, so the things that perhaps we used to do to make ourselves feel better when we were down may not be an option right now.

    Do you have something you can do to help you through the tough times? I have just started painting and we have a COVID-19 wall and we put our art on the wall, while it is not great and there are no masterpeices there, we have been enjoying painting and trying something new, it takes some time and I find I am not really thinking about anything else other than the painting.

    I am not sure if you are aware of the Beyond Blue line if you feel that talking to a person might be more helpful to you, they are on 1300 22 4636. As you mentioned one minute you are feeling ok and the next back at rock bottom, this is the face of depression and I am so very sorry you are going through this. Do you enjoy music? I have actually been listening to Nova this weekend as they are having a throw back Thursday count down and there are some really awesome songs on that have made me feel so happy.

    I hope to chat to you some more, you can share as much as you feel comfortable to.

    Huge hugs to you

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  3. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    12 April 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah, thanks for your reply.

    I don’t feel it has anything to do with CV19, my ups and downs have been around for years, I’m still realing from a 20 year marriage breakdown, childhood trauma, and for the first time in my life this is the first holiday. I’ve had to spend on my own and alone. I don’t have family here as they are all in the USA, anyone else I know it seems I’ve managed to some how or another to push them away or it’s the famous last words of ( cheer up you’ll be alright). Well I’m not alright and I’m alone with the 4 walls closing in fast.

    Yeah I can pick up the the phone and call one of the help lines but I don’t really want to be taken again. It’s currently taking my all to hold it together at the moment.

    As for a radio or paints no I don’t have either, I’ve spent my time awake today with Netflix.

    I just feel broken and don’t know how to piece it back together.

  4. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2046 posts
    12 April 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hey shuck46

    Thank you for sharing more of your story, I am sorry to suggest that you were feeling depressed due to COVID-19, what I actually meant was that at this time with the virus it is enlarging any underlying issues people are trying to manage. I am so sorry to hear that you are recovering from a marriage breakdown and that you are by yourself on this holiday and don't have family and friends to spend time with, it is so hard to be by yourself and feeling so lousy.

    I just wanted to make sure that you are ok, when you said that talking on the phone may lead to them "taking you"..I am just wanting to make sure that you are safe and that you are not in danger right now. I understand it is not what you want to spend time in hospital but if you are not safe perhaps getting some support might be helpful. Lifeline are on 13 11 14, and I really don't want to come of as giving you "chin up and she'll be right" help, as I know that comments like this are not helpful at all and in fact sometimes make a person feel worse. I just want you to be safe.

    I am also sorry you have had to experience childhood trauma and that it is impacting your life today. I am glad that you shared that with me though and hope that if you want to chat some more about that you can do so in a safe space here. I am here to listen and to sit with you in this time when you are feeling so sad.

    Netflix is a great option, I was watching Grown Ups last night and forgot how hilarious it is, have you seen that one?

    I am here with you shucks46, the walls will not close in on you while you can talk and share here and push them away. There is hope and there is a brighter tomorrow, with help and support and care and we do care so much about you.

    I understand what you mean about feeling broken, I am almost back together now and really credit my healing to being here, talking and listening and being supported by others. I also had a wonderful therapist and even though it has taken almost 9 months to feel "better" I am feeling hopeful and happier and I hope you can get the same level of care here too.

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  5. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    12 April 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    thanks again for replying, no need to be sorry, yes this CV19 is on everyone’s mind no doubt about it. Honestly most of the time I’m ok being on my own and would rather it be that way though when I get to feeling lousy I do feel more comfortable with some someone around at least it’s company and the walls don’t seem to close in.

    I try talking to my family online as much as I can which helps out a fair bit actually by the end of the chats I seem to be up lifted to a point though sometimes it’s hard due to time difference but i’ve Just managed to have a hour long chat with my mother. As for being safe i’m Alright in that department thanks for the concern.

    I understand by you not wanting to come as saying chin up ect and yes it does make things worse when people come to situations with those sort of comments at times. Once again thanks for your concern even though your someone on the other end of a screen it does mean something to me rather it be you or someone else, I know there are people out there to talk to, my last resort though is ringing a help line, I’ve been taken from my home too many time and honestly I’m tired of that due to the lack of actual help that’s given or offered.

    Ahh grown ups yes absolute funny as, I watched it last week enjoyed the 1st one better then the second though .

    I was seeing a therapist at one stage which helped out a lot though big impact on financial situation sadly to say. But as it stands at the moment I do talk to a phyc team locally which are always helpful and aren’t so quick to send out that ride to be taken.

    all in all though as I said, i’ve just gotten offline with my mother having a good chat and back in better spirits now. Thank you and have a good evening.

  6. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2046 posts
    12 April 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hey shucks46

    I am so happy to hear that you have been able to chat with your mum and connect with her, not only have some family time but also life your spirits, that is really awesome and I am so happy you did that.

    We are here for you, anytime you like, anytime you want a chat, to get something off your chest, to reach out for support, to know you are not alone and you are most certainly not the only one who is going through rough times and that there are others and together we can support each other.

    I actually watched both Grown ups last night with my daughter..they are hilarious and just what we needed to break up the day.

    So happy to chat to you and to hear you are ok and that you are in better spirits.

    Take care and here whenever you need.

    Hugs

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  7. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    25 May 2020

    About a week or so ago, I was hypnotised by a psyc, all I could see was dark black clouds and felt empty which has had me wondering whats happening.

    My treatment sessions have sense ended and I'm feeling I'm back to square 1 again.

    I've been communicating with my ex wife for the last couple of weeks things are going well there, as we were supposed to have dinner last nite something spooked me right out so I left and came home laid on my couch and just thought I could end it all right now and no one would be here to stop it.

    what in the world is wrong with me, whats behind the black clouds.

  8. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3662 posts
    25 May 2020 in reply to shucks46
    Hi shucks46

    It sounds like you were feeling very low last night, so it is so good you are here reaching out for support. As well as support from the community, it would be great for you to access some additional professional support now that the treatment you were having has finished. You have written before about the local psych tem being helpful, so maybe they would be a good place to start.

    Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space. 

     
  9. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    25 May 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Seems my reach only goes so far.

    Yes the psyc team was helpful to a point, but it seems they are quick to lock me up in a hospital ward. I'm honestly at my wit's end with everything, every one and currently hating the world. I've just had enough.

  10. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    1 June 2020

    Other then YouTube videos what’s the best way to calm a anxiety attack?

    Woke up at 12am with a heart racing like there’s no tomorrow, tight chested and rapid breathing, now unable to get back to sleep. I’ve tried listening to some things on YouTube but it don’t seem to be helping at the moment.

    I’d be great full for any ideas.

    Thanks.

  11. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13475 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hello Shucks45, thanks for posting your comment and I have not been hypnotised but it's certainly something I'm interested in and wish I could help you, however, in regards to falling asleep everybody has their own way, which may change depending on their circumstances and the situation you're in.

    Some people watch TV and are able to just suddenly fall asleep, this includes me, but not necessarily when I was in depression, especially when I was crying.

    When you are watching the TV or youtube your eyes are stimulated to what's happening, so this could make it difficult for you and increase your arousal, positively or negatively.

    What I did instead was just listen to a radio station that played the music I loved, yes I may cry to a favourite song, but it made me sleep, and even when I woke up, I had company in the background.

    Your doctor may be able to extend your mental health plan but it's a decision they have to make and doesn't happen every time, but worth asking.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  12. geoff
    Life Member
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13475 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hi Shucks, I'm sorry but forgot to mention these dark clouds.

    I remember a cartoon where the comic figure walked around with a dark cloud over him which kept his clothes always dirty, so could these be the same as the pain you've accumulated over the past few days, weeks, and even months relating to the stress, anxiety and worry you are experiencing.

    I'm not qualified to make this judgement as I'm not a doctor.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  13. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    thanks for the reply, a lot of times I do fall asleep to the tv on a low volume or listening to mind space on YouTube, however waking up with a major anxiety attack last nite while staying the nite in a different house I couldn’t calm it down leaving me up all nite no matter what I did, tv, YouTube, slow deep breathing.

    As for the dark clouds, I’m not sure what’s going on there but it like the seen out the movie Ghost when a couple actors were killed the demons rose and carried them off, As I was under that’s all it was, just being consumed by dark black clouds.

    This mental health just seems to have taken over and consumed my everyday life.

    Sadly to say, due to my profession and the side effects of medications I’m unable to take any, as of yet I’ve not had any meds that I can concentrate on, mine and other people’s life’s depend on being alert.

  14. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2046 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to shucks46

    HEy Shucks46

    I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment, Geoff has given you some really great tips and some wonderful support.

    I wanted to make you aware of an app called Calm. There are some really great images and some sounds and techniques that may help you in your attempt to get some rest. You may have seen it or even have it but I would be interested to see what you think about this app. That is really terrifying to wake up having and anxiety attack, I have no idea how that feels but it sounds terrible and so very scary. Also that you were not in your house and in the comfort of familiar surroundings too, very scary shucks46.

    I was hypnotized once, it too took be to some pretty scary places, I am not sure if that is the whole point, to take you to the pain and hurt inside and to address it, I too felt pretty ordinary afterwards, however as I sit here now typing this I am reflecting on how I feel about it today. Maybe looking back and after I had some time and some more counselling to put it all into manageable portions, maybe it helped, I know that I don't struggle with the issues that I sought help for, maybe it did work. I guess maybe there is some time and some work to do for you in that space and maybe it might help in time, just at the time it was pretty confronting.

    You mentioned your day time role does not allow you to take meds, is this something that you could work out with your manager to perhaps to some alternative tasks, like light duties or the like so you can get some extra support if medication is what your GP thinks will help? You don't have to say what you do for work I am just thinking if there is a way to manage this time so you can get the help you need?

    I am so proud you are sharing here how you are feeling and that you are doing some really great things to help yourself, reaching out and asking questions and taking on suggestions is really wonderful.

    Hope to chat some more

    Hugs

    Sarah

  15. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    293 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to shucks46
    Next time you're at your psychiatrist ask about stimulant based medications as opposed to ADs and sedatives.

    Try googling them to get an idea of how they work
  16. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    I’m currently in the middle of a breakdown, I don’t feel stable and can’t seem to get my head wrapped around things.

    I rang the phone support this morning and the lady was unhelpful nor could I understand her. I rang the mental health triage had a chat with the lady there seemed to help for a bit.

    I don’t really want to go the the hospital due to the fear of being put in the useless ward they have there, all they is give a hand full of pills and tell you to go bed. I just feel so lost at the moment and not sure what to do.

  17. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    2046 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hey shucks46

    I am glad that you have reached out here to chat when I can hear how bad you are feeling. Firstly I know that you have called some support and that is great but if you are really in danger here please call 000 and have an ambulance come to you. You matter and they care and will do all that they can to help you.

    Can you think of what has caused you to feel like you are falling apart today? Did you want to talk about that some more? I can hear how frustrated you are and that you are really struggling, so anything that helps I am here to chat.

    I am sorry that the support line was not helpful, please don't give up on them tho, it really is a case of who you get on the other end and that person may not have been able to help you with your situation, not that they don't want to, there will be others on the lines that can connect with you.

    I am here if you want to chat some more shucks46.

    Hugs
    Sarah

  18. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    I can’t figure out what has triggered me this or any other time, it comes and goes at the drop of a hat. Between the depression and anxiety. I’m just lost and unstable at the moment and getting really tired of going through this every other month or so. I’m not in any danger or having harmful thoughts. I’m just losing the plot at the moment and don’t know why or what’s causing it sadly to say.

    I’ve read about a sooma treatment that seems to have a high success rate, but can only be brought about by a GP or treating dr. Hopefully I can secure that due to giving up on medications.

    I’ve just rang my GP for a appointment tomorrow, I know I should probably go to a hospital but I fear they’ll just lock me away again.

    I’d never give up on the phone support and you are correct the majority of them are very helpful but the one I spoke to this am just stressed me right out with the same question over and over.

  19. Rocky.P.
    Rocky.P. avatar
    5 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hi shucks46,

    Sorry to hear about all you have been going through. It's good to see you continuing to engage in the community and Sarah and Geoff have given some good advice to you along the way.

    I remember the roller coaster feeling when I was in the midst of my decade long battle with depression. You would never know what each day would bring and when the next low would hit you head on. I'm really glad you have an appointment with your GP tomorrow. It took me quite a while to find what worked for me, and from talking to other people, it seems that everyone is different and what works for one person won't work for the next. For me it was a combination of medication from my GP (which I can already see isn't an option for you at this stage) and talking through things that helped me recover. Continue to work with your GP and health professionals to find what works for you.

    It's also really important that you remain connected with the supports you have around you, like you have found in the community here. There are a lot of people here who care about how you are travelling, so keep sharing when you feel you can & want to.

    Best Wishes

    Rocky

    2 people found this helpful
  20. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Rocky.P.

    Cheers rocky,

    I’m taking the advice given in for sure.

    I’m really hoping to secure the sooma treatment which is a electric therapy with a high secuess rate and can be monitored remotely by the GP or treating professional. They say a 30 minute session a day. It’s something that’s came out of Finland but available worldwide.

    I can not seem to concentrate or focus on the medications I have been prescribed to date, with my profession 1 simple slip up could cost mine or another persons life I’m not ready for that.

    I do try talking as much as possible which seems to help a fair bit that said though, I’m really over going through this time and time again. I’ve been chucked in a few hospital wards which don’t seem to help.

  21. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2046 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to shucks46

    Hi Shucks46

    That is fine that you don't know what the triggers are, I just thought that you may have and also, it is as you say, comes out of no where and can come at anytime, I think that this is the worst of it that it does come unannounced and it can be so very unexpected and come and hit you over the back of the head when you were seeming to be quite ok, just so very unfair and I wish we had an answer that could make it all go away.

    I am really please to hear you are not in danger of hurting yourself or having thoughts of doing so, I am sorry if that seemed up front to say to you in my last post, I just need to make sure you are safe and that you are ok as we do care, you are needed here and this pain and darkness will not be like this forever, there is light and you are doing so very much to help yourself, I have not heard about sooma treatment but I am very interested to read what that is about so will look it up.

    Have you had a bad experience at hospital that you did feel like they "locked you up?". Once again I think nursing staff are mostly amazing, however they do have bad days too and sometimes, just like call support and online support, they can just be the wrong people to deal with your particular needs, not that they don't care or don't want to help, the connection is just not there. I am so happy to hear that you realize this though and will continue to use the phone support, even though it is tough to have to repeat stories and go over and over and over how you are thinking and feeling and what your circumstances are...that is exhausting. I think that is what is so wonderful about suicide call back service in that they do keep a log and you can speak to the same person so that eliminates the need to have to go over the whole situation again. I am happy to read though that you will go to see your GP, I am sure by the time that you read this you will have been so I hope that it was helpful for you.

    With regards to work, is there some light duties or some other tasks that you can do while you figure out this medication part, so that you can get the meds you need and still be able to go to work? I hear that your current role is quite dangerous if there is one bad move so maybe a chat to your manager to see if while you get this sorted you can feel like work is safe for you and for others too, is this an option?

    It is great to chat to you some more shucks46 and I hope you can feel the support we have for you here.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  22. shucks46
    shucks46 avatar
    19 posts
    15 July 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    yes I have had a couple bad experiences in hospital, having been locked up in a ward and told I wasn’t allowed to get out. I was just readmitted last week though I left before seeing any of the mental health team due to a nurses attitude, I know they are there to help and also have bad days but being spoken to in the manner I was, it wasn’t called for.

    As for work and light duties that’s not possible.

    The sooma treatment isn’t available here in south Australia so they say.

    my psychologist has tried hypnotherapy a couple times but it’s not working.

    It just seems like this crap will never end, I try daily to keep my head held high but the pain,confusion, and thoughts just keep coming. I’ve had things done to me in my childhood years that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies.

    Anyway have a good day

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