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Topic: Calling older single women facing challenges

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. LesleyM
    LesleyM avatar
    4 posts
    3 September 2021

    Hello All ... I am new to BB but so far have been blown away by the responsive support. Thank-you BB team.

    Now down to 'my reality' facing an uncertain financial future at 66 years of age and not coping at all well with the situation I am currently in. I have no family and have struggled with depression all my life. This has been a challenge for me and in some instances those around me... often my behaviour/reactions (so extreme ... outbursts of anger out of frustration with myself) have sometimes astounded me. I am one of those people who onlookers would say 'has it all together' but inside I have felt a fraud most of my life ... aka .. "if they really knew me they would see my faults as easily as I do."

    The journey is fraught with overwhelm and lots of tears.

    I know from my work that there are lots of senior women out their doing it tough ... financially, emotionally, physically. If they feel like me they feel like they are the only ones walking this path.

    I am learning something monumental from the journey this time around (nothing ever been this big for me in that past I have to add) .. I have let 'people in' and I have reached out ... hence being on this forum... the result has been overwhelming .. I still have a challenging future but I know I am cared for (have to say this makes me cry even more)... I had to let people in... the right people... with the right intuition, words, compassion (not one of them has said "it'll be alright"... people with depression know how much this means)

    I am not a person to blame others for what has happened to me ... or what I think they 'have done to me' .. However, the hurt runs much to deep ... and because I have struggled with self-compassion all my life it has been hard to shift the hurt. I am annoyed with myself for letting people and incidents from the past keep hold of me so vigorously ... I look forward to my BB partnership/friendship ... Have to go now because the tears are getting in my way ... Sending love to all who need it .. you are so deserving of it..

    6 people found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    11961 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Lesley

    i am over 60 face challenges but not single but I often feel alone as partner does not understand. So two out of three.

    Thanks for you honesty. I thought at my age I would have it all figured out but challenges keep coming,

    I look forward to more chats.

    By replying your post will be bumped up so more people will see it.

    Take care.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1151 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Hi Lesley M,

    So glad you have found our forums helpful.

    Im sorry you have struggled with depression all of your life, I understand this would be difficult for you.

    Your not alone and we are here as a community to support you..

    I understand when you say the hurt runs deep in regards to what other people have done…… I too use to hold onto things but I learned by doing this I was only hurting myself……. I learned to forgive others and to just let things go……. forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow …….

    Give yourself LOVE, tell yourself great things about yourself believe the best is yet to come……..

    Have you ever spoken to a gp about the way you have been feeling?

    Here to chat

  4. backspin
    backspin avatar
    3 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Hi Lesley.

    Thanks so much for your story.

    Your honesty shines through and is a huge help to all who have shared your experience, you are giving us all hope, thanks so much.

    Love from us all. xxx.

  5. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3097 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Hi LesleyM

    I'm over 60 and definitely not well off financially and I'm single.

    Currently in lockdown in regional NSW where I moved about 2 years ago since when we've had covid and more covid! So it was a bad time to move here!

    Happy to chat with you. My pic is my little dog Sam.

    Are you in a city or regional area?

    Anyway welcome and hope others will join you too!

    Are you working or retired?

    Any special interests etc?

    Cheers 🙂

  6. Calbue
    Calbue avatar
    16 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna3!

    I'm sorry if this is a random reply given that I'm not older single women, but merely someone in my 20s. I guess I just wanted to message you to ask how you handle being depressed for so long? I try really hard to manage it. Through meditation, hobbies like reading and just simply taking naps. But sometimes it just gets too overwhelming, so unbearable. I get so exhausted and even the simplest of things feels like I'm using up so much of my effort. I'm still at uni, and I can't bring myself to do any work. Which makes my life harder because my anxiety is triggered by a big fear of failure. I'm always imaging failure is on the horizon and that it'll take me even longer to finish my degree if I fail. THAT makes my anxiety increase tenfold. I hope I'm making sense. Sometimes, I feel like depression fogs up my brain so much it affects the way I talk, type and comprehend things.

    I hope for some wisdom from you or anyone who wants to share!

  7. LorenaC
    LorenaC avatar
    12 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Hi Lesley,

    I am in my 30´s but i heard how you say. Thanks for share your thoughts with us. One of the best ways to relief feelings is talking about them, onces they are outside they are not yours 100 % anymore, which is good.

    Hope you find this space helpful. would you like to share what are you hobbies? what would you like to do in your free time?

    Sending hug.

    Lorena

  8. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    8935 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Hello Lesley,

    I am over 60 and a widow..so not always been single..

    Financially it’s difficult, when on dsp..I own my own little house and in a country area, with land rates and utility bills to pay along with rego and petrol..it gets hard at time, My shopping centre is a half hour drive away..

    Please try hard not to be so hard on yourself..I think most people with depression can’t let go of their past hurts or wrong choices..It’s something that we have to try hard to accept..because we cannot go back and change anything....accepting ourselves..flaws and all is the first small step to self care and compassion...We need so much to begin to like ourselves, accept ourselves and when possible try to learn to forgive ourselves...We are really all we have..If we don’t give us compassion and care..then who will?..in r/l...

    I reach out to help people..more then I let people in...I find it hard to trust people until I have known them for a long while..

    BB..is a wonderful place..full of care and support..I’m so pleased you have joined our beautiful community...

    Looking forward to seeing you around the forums..

    My kindest thoughts lovely Lesley...with my care..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3097 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Calbue

    Hi Calblue,

    Sorry to hear you're having those difficulties. I don't suffer from depression so I'm not much help there. Anxiety is difficult to manage. I wonder if others in the BB forums might be more helpful than me.

    It's great that you have posted here and I hope things improve for you.

  10. Tess2
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tess2 avatar
    458 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to LesleyM

    Dear Lesley M

    what a great post. I am older, I just turned 70 this year. I am retired , aretirement I was forced into a few years ago. It devastated me. I did not understand until then how important my career was.

    I should have been ok financially but the way things happened life too bad turns and I anow on the pension. It is very difficult. I am alone, in that I don’t have a husband, but I have a son who lives with me.

    It can be very hard for me to find much meaning and purpose in life. I too have had depression since my early twenties and since the work incident I have also suffered with extreme anxiety. I have not always been depressed, but have to care for myself and look out for it. But I have had some bad depressive periods over that time.

    I am really pleased about this thread, and I also like seeing some younger people posting.

    Tess

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4092 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Tess2

    hi lesleym

    thanks for ur post.

    you write so beautifully and from the heart, have you any experience writing or sharing ur story? I think it could help a lot of ppl.

    I feel that women are disadvantaged at many stages in life, and in retirement seems like another point of that.... it makes it harder if there is trauma etc. I think thats admirable how you dont' blame others for what has happened or past pain. I struggle with that, as my past trauma has a lot of impact on my life today.

    I'm a woman in my 30s, I live alone, and am single.

    I understand that some ppl are in r/ships, and still feel alone in certain aspeccts of their journey. I had opportunities to enter relationships that in some ways, mdae me feel worse, and yet, there is a protective layer of being "coupled".

    I even remember my parter advocating for me regarding an insurance problem - he called up and said he was my husband and sorted it all out over the phone. When I tried, I think they tried to tak advantage of me more - as a single woman, they assume u know less about ur rights, and are less pushy or assertive, and will comply more easily. In som ways, this is true. Women have been socialised that if we stand up for ourselvse, we'll be seen as bossy, while to men, that isn't an issue, they can be firm, strong etc, and no one will think less of them.

    Thank u for posting here, and warm wecome to backspin, Calblue and Lorena. Great posts. Loved reading about how you feel at different stages of ur lives... the struggle is real. x

  12. Calbue
    Calbue avatar
    16 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hi Sleepy21,

    I agree with you. Women are DEFINITELY more disadvantaged at many stages in life. Women are underrated, undervalued and always viewed as the weaker sex. Women are seen as bossy while Men who act the same are seen as Bosses. It’s frustrating that this is still the belief and feelings of others. It’s hard to stand up for yourself sometimes, when all you fear is being seen negatively. But we must persist. We can’t let people get away with treating us as lesser.

    I don’t doubt that the insurance worker had no issues dealing with your partner’s call without giving him issues. Some people still have archaic views on women that at times, I think… they’re too deep into their own beliefs to change. Sometimes, you can just tell they can’t change and for those types, we should waste our breaths on educating them or trying to change their views.
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4092 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Calbue

    Hi Calbue,

    I think what u said is very true. It happens so widely and the views are really damaging.

    My partner was not nice, bullied them, and told them off for bothering me, his delicate "wife ". It worked, too! What a surprise.

    I feel like we do need to protect ourselves from the endless burden of educating or explaining to closed - minded people that we are worthwhile. If someone is abusive to me because I, a woman, these days I just run and don't get in contact with them again. If I had a husband or partner, I'd use them to fight for me. Since I'm in my own, and there seems to be a real risk of standing up for myself, I usually just move on and move away. I feel like Ur comment on that was highly helpful, thank you!!

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