I know exactly how you feel. I’ve become so expert at hiding my feelings from people over the past few years that the word “ok” just rolls off my tongue whenever someone asks how I am.
Opening up to people is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even then, it’s only a very select few.
First it was to a psychologist, then another psychologist, then a friend, then my boyfriend & then my sister.
The thing I have found though is that some people find it very difficult to deal with & don’t know how to offer support or comfort. My closest friend was really supportive at first, but as my depression worsened & I began to self harm she pretty much just disappeared from my life. I guess for some people it’s just too confronting & they don’t know how to deal with it.
So initially, think about which people you feel safe talking too & sharing this information with. And let them know you just need someone to listen, or someone to just offer their company or a hug when you are really down. Let them know they don’t need to fill the role of a counsellor, they just need to be a shoulder to lean on.
For me the psychologist was the biggest help, it’s sometimes so much easier to speak of these things with someone who doesn’t know you & who will not judge you. I’m actually taking my sister with me to my appointment next week, so she can understand better what I am going through, the psychologist can help explain & my sister can ask any questions.
Its hard, really hard. And as awful as it sounds, the people who you think will be most likely to be supportive may not be at all. But if you keep reaching out, you will be surprised how many people you find with similar issues. Some people I was never close to when I was younger have now become the best people for me to lean on now.
Best of luck in whatever path you choose. Reach out here any time