Turns out I have had an undiagnosed/misdiagnosed condition since my early teens. I am now in my mid 40's. This accumulated in a public breakdown at work about 6 month ago. What used to happen is whenever things got too much I would run away I would do this by selling everything I owned that was not essential and move to a new area/town/state and start fresh. As I worked in hospitality this was not really a problem as the industry has an extremely high turnover rate and it has allowed me to travel and live All around Australia so a positive there in my book but does not address the deeper issue.
So 8 years ago I met the worlds most understanding and greatest woman in the world and she even agreed to marry me. We bought a little farm in a beautiful area I got out of the toxic hospitality enviroment and got a job with stability and worked to make our farm everything we could want..and it is. So why do I feel the way I do? I know I am in a better position than a lot of other people I have no debt to speak of the mortgage is paid off I should be the most happy go lucky guy on the planet.
So I have everything i could want i really do. Yet I still feel like this and it's awful So I feel guilty and ashamed feeling like this when I know there are people a lot worse of than me, which leads to self loathing because of my selfishness which runs back into guilt which makes me anxious about everything which leads to depression which leads back to guilt which leads back to self loathing.
now i have read my post back it seems whiny and insignificant to other peoples problems and i feel guilty about posting