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Topic: Depressed because I don't like sex

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. Leigh1987
    Leigh1987 avatar
    22 posts
    8 September 2020
    Hello all,

    I have been suffering depression for years largely because I don't enjoy sex

    This means I will be a lifetime single which isn't the be all and end all but it still feels awful.

    Sex seems so fundamental to human happiness can I find a way to be fulfilled without it?

  2. uncut_gems
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    uncut_gems avatar
    352 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to Leigh1987

    Hi Leigh1987,

    Sex is a normal and very common part of human relationships of all sorts, but it's not for everyone. While some people choose to identify as asexual, others simply don't like it for a variety of reasons that may be medical, personal, or plain old-fashioned preference. If you feel that your dislike of sex is just something about yourself that you are comfortable with and know to be true, rest assured that there are many, many people eager for companionship and romantic relationships but who themselves, for one of a variety of reasons, don't enjoy sex.

    The important things in relationships is to mostly agree on the big stuff, and sex is one of those big-ticket items that can be insurmountable if there's a fundamental incompatibility. But if you're honest upfront about this, then I have no doubt there are plenty of people out there for whom sex is an afterthought or even something to be avoided in a relationship.

    If at one point you did enjoy sex, or wish that you did, I would encourage you to speak with a GP or counsellor who can help you understand where this is coming from and what you might be able to do about it.

    Warmly,

    Gems

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Leigh1987
    Leigh1987 avatar
    22 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to uncut_gems
    Thanks for the reply.

    I think for the most part I don't see the point of a sexless relationship. If I am not having good sex we are better off as friends.

    I have consulted doctors and other professionals but a lack of pleasure during sex wasn't something they were able to help me with.

    I suppose I am still coming to terms with never liking that aspect of human intimacy. I used to think I would because other people do but it never happened.
  4. uncut_gems
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    uncut_gems avatar
    352 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to Leigh1987
    I think that makes sense. Sex is an important part of human bonding, and I can see how a relationship without it can seem pointless– especially because of how oversaturated the media is with it. That said, I don't think romantic love is just friendship plus sex; I think there is an extra attachment, teamwork, etc., not to mention co-habitation. It's also possible that you will come to like it later in life, but even if not I think there are many kinds of fulfilling sexless relationships.
  5. Leigh1987
    Leigh1987 avatar
    22 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to uncut_gems
    Are you able to expand on what kinds of sexless relationships would still be fulfilling?
  6. uncut_gems
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    uncut_gems avatar
    352 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to Leigh1987

    Although I can't speak to what you might find personally fulfilling, I think if you were with someone who also doesn't enjoy sex but enjoys romantic relationships, being together, and other forms of nonsexual physical affection, then that could be a very mutually satisfying situation. That's still different from a normal friendship because it's more emotionally involved and intimate in a different kind of way, at least in my opinion. The other option could be that if you feel neutrally towards it, rather than actively find it unpleasant or uncomfortable, having it be something that you do occasionally for your partner because they enjoy it.

    All this to say that I think you are not at all doomed to a lack of happiness or companionship because you don't like it.

  7. Leigh1987
    Leigh1987 avatar
    22 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to uncut_gems
    Thanks for the response it is something I will take on board to consider even though I would still much prefer good sex.

    It is also not something I am willing to engage in solely to please someone else because I have a huge libido and unpleasurable unorgasmic sex takes a toll on my mental health and indeed makes me resent the other person when I am routinely forced to witness their pleasure but never have any for myself. Eventually their touch becomes repulsive to me because it's an indication I may have to endure pleasureless disconnected sex
  8. Wishes
    Wishes avatar
    30 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to Leigh1987

    Hey Leigh1987,

    It is really brave of you to be so open and genuine when speaking on your sexual experiences.

    I'm so sorry you've been made to feel that you are doomed to lifetime singleness if you don't enjoy sex. There are plenty of couples out there who for one, don't have sex, or two, find pleasure within both parties.

    From what you've written above, it seems as though the issue isn't that you don't enjoy sex at all, but that you have not found a partner who values your sexual pleasure as much as they do theirs. Yes, there is give and take in sexual relationships to an extent- But to feel as though no one has been able to satisfy you isn't your fault, but just an indication that the right partner has not come along, or that they have not invested the time in to see what aspects of 'sex' as an umbrella term you truly enjoy.

    But, please correct me if you feel it really is just that you will never enjoy sex, which is not abnormal at all, it's just who you are and that's completely okay. And in that case, there is such a spectrum of sexuality in so many people, and there are people out there who also do not enjoy sex and see relationships as @uncut_gems put it, a layer of emotional intimacy.

    Hoping anything I've said has sparked some thought!

    Best,
    Wishes

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Leigh1987
    Leigh1987 avatar
    22 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to Wishes
    Thank you for your response.

    It may be the case that my thinking on the matter is too rigid because as you point out I am capable of enjoying some sex acts. It is certainly true that no person enjoys every sex act, it comes down to preference.

    However penetrative sex is the preference of most men so even romance and flirtation for me is coloured negatively as I know I will be expected to participate in that particular act if I choose to be sexual with that person. It makes me dread all intimacy.

    Even in the past simply cuddling with a guy has evolved into penetrative sex so I feel I cannot even enjoy simple affection.

    Again it may be an example of rigid thinking but I cannot perform that act just to satisfy the other person as I feel that is an activity I should derive pleasure from. Not experiencing pleasure is a source of sadness and frustration. Especially in contrast with their obvious enjoyment and relaxed demeanour afterwards. Very unsexy indeed.

    In terms of whether or not I could ever enjoy it, I really can't say but I have been sexual for 17 years and I see little reason to think I ever would.
  10. Wishes
    Wishes avatar
    30 posts
    9 September 2020 in reply to Leigh1987

    Hey again Leigh1987,

    So great to hear from you, again, your honesty is inspiring!

    You're completely right, it's about preference for sure. And I can assure you that it is not rigid thinking to simply not want to perform the act. You are completely valid in saying you're not going to do it because you don't want it. And you definitely should not have to.

    Have you tried approaching relationships with this boundary in mind? Having that discussion prior, and an expectation that you will not perform that act? Sometimes communication can not only secure your own wellbeing but make it easier to establish whether this is a romantic relationship worth pursuing.

    As you said, it's not that you don't enjoy the entirety of 'sex' as a series of acts, but that a partner has not previously aligned their preferences with yours. And it may feel like no one out there is interested in the same things, but in such a connected world online and even through mutual friends, there will be!

    Hoping for better things (and partners for you),

    Best,
    Wishes

    2 people found this helpful

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