Thank you for coming back to talk.
It was very sad reading that although you have children and a husband you clearly love you don't know where to go to be given some love and care for yourself.
It made me wonder if the apathy you described means you've stopped asking for help (or perhaps haven't asked those who love you for help at all?). Does your husband know that you have thought about suicide?
I know it is a very hard topic to talk about because it frightens people. When I've told people before they have gotten upset thinking I'm at risk but I know for myself being brutally honest is part of my safety plan. If I admit I'm not ok I'm trying to keep myself safer by making sure someone else who is around me knows.
It is awful that when you took the chance on trusting a psych they let you down. I wish I could say it doesn't happen but it does. Would you consider taking someone you trust with you to the doctor? Prior to the Psychiatrist I saw a psychologist who said I didn't need to come anymore because I was fine. My husband asked me to write down how I felt on a bad day and took me back to her. She phoned my doctor from her office.
My point is reading your posts and seeing the exhaustion rings alarm bells for me. It is too familiar. To me that feeling of apathy is a very dangerous sign. Even if you know in your heart you'll get through day after day because you love your babies, is not a healthy or safe place for you to be in mentally.
You wrote that finding help feels too hard and I get that totally. Even making a phonecall is beyond me at times. What do you think would happen if you asked your husband to read this thread? Would he organise the medical care you need?
I mention it because it was the step that saved my life. I felt too empty to do anything to help myself just got through every day caring for my family. I needed help. I'm worried that you do too. Is that a fair thing to say?
The forums are here, Even if I don't reply immediately ( I have to go to work for a while) you're heard here and cared about.
Kind thoughts to you.