Topic: Desperate for change

Hello There thank you for post and welcome,

Im sorry to hear about what your going through,

I have experienced this before lack of energy and motivation and quite bad depression but I pushed myself to do small things to get out of the rut like cooking, exercise and self care, good to hear your not drinking as much it definitely can help temporarily but isn't a long term fix
I can see your going through a hard time and your little girls can give you an amazing motivation to get back in the swing of things

I definitely think its important for you to talk to someone about whats going on who can offer support and advice

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

I hope this helps and all the best

Hi, lookingforlightgirl,

It's an absolute herculean effort for a person to get on with things when they have depression and anxiety. I can appreciate it, as I go through it myself every day. For me, it helps to visit health professionals and get their opinions and help. I also try to set myself at least one medium job (nothing too big) during the day and try my best to tackle that.

Do you have any friends that can help you? Maybe your daughter could take the younger kids out (One of my medium jobs is to take my kid out). I understand what you are going through and hope that things will turn around real soon. Please be kind to yourself.

Leisa 68

Leisa68 Thank you for your kind reply 😊 My eldest and I are not on the best terms occasional texts here n there and that is only a recent improvement she also has mental health issues as well as drug and alcohol abuse - blames me for having a shit childhood-has major victim mentality is extremely argumentative and manipulative breaks my heart but we are at least texting occasionally now so that’s something
I have ever since I was a child had bad anxiety and feel I get depressed from the uncontrollable anxiety I know I need to go see a professional but the negative thoughts over take any chance of logical thinking and keeps me from even going to the shops when needed it’s absolutely disabling I am extremely lucky to have a hb who is so easy going and accepting of me he basically does everything I do sometimes resent him for this tho which is terrible but I feel like him letting me do what I want and not having the hard conversations has enabled me to get to this point in the first place Arrrrgh I am a mess

Hi, lookingforlightgirl,

My HB does the same thing, however, he is my carer due to my Bi-Polar and my inability to walk. I feel useless and feel like a fraud. Mindfulness and CBT help me dissolve these thoughts, but it's an effort. We don't have a hard conversation either, my partner does not believe I have BiPolar.

I'm getting there and you can too. I'm sorry about your daughter and your relationship. That must be so hard. But I think your focus right now should be to get some help. Psychologists can do telehealth appointments as well, so you don't need to leave the house until you are ready. Just clear the house when you have the appointment, so you can speak freely. You won't frighten them away. When I chat, it feels good to clear my thoughts, good or bad to a person you know will not talk to others. They cannot.

I believe you can do this. You are a mum and a wife. You are a person. Please give yourself a chance. Call for help.

Leisa68

Thankyou Leisa 68 again for your kind and helpful words 🥰 another day spent in bed avoiding life 😭 life is just passing by it’s such a sad waste especially from what I was and did before - I was a nurse always busy loved socialising and being around people I used to get so much out of one day it’s hard not to wish I could go back since then I have become an alcoholic - got in trouble with police a few times so I have a record - nothing bad just stupid stuff but still now I have a record so feel I cannot go back even if I wanted to- as well as the fact I do not believe in these vaccine mandates nursing is all I know I loved it - I was still anxious then and used to have days I’d call in sick because my mind would just spew out all the negative reasons why I can’t do it , I would sweat and be totally self conscious alllllll the time except wen I was off with my patients(here is where I really shined 🤩)always second guessing myself worried I wasn’t good enough the mind really is a powerful in that way- I feel like I’ve always been a prisoner of my negative thoughts it’s so frustrating it makes me angry - I look back now and think if only I pushed through those thoughts and feelings I could have really made it I had such a good life one I can never get back and it’s all my fault 😭😭😭😭 I have so much to give I am so empathetic and have so much love to offer the world I just don’t no how , I try not to be sorry for myself I pray to God for strength and if it wasn’t for him I would have already killed myself I am literally just existing and have been for at least 5 years now - I need clothes so bad it’s been that long since I went shopping for myself I wear the same stuff every day- I do wash them lol but my hygiene is pretty bad like I just don’t give a shit like wat is the actual point I don’t go anywhere anyway so arrrrgh and this is why i don’t c friends or fam much because I don’t have anything to talk about coz I go nowhere I’m just a lump of existing matter that is waiting to die watching g ppl live their lives wishing so bad I could just fix my mind so I could at least be present and motivated with my children at the very least! That is my only prayer for a clear positive mind to be a present and active part of my beautiful girls lives will I ever get there? My hope is with God and only he can help me 🙏 at this point I don’t c anything changing 😫 just day by day barely surviving and only existing this ain’t living it’s torture 😭😞

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

My heart goes out to you so very much as you face the overwhelming challenges of depression and anxiety. While I can't speak to the challenges of anxiety, I am very familiar with depression.

While I left chronic depression behind me

Oops, accidentally hit the reply button. Sorry 'bout that :)

As I was saying, I left 15 years or so of chronic depression behind me some time ago. I should add, if there's one thing about being sensitive to what's depressing, it comes down to the almost constant need to keep raising your consciousness so as to not return to depression. Can be seriously challenging work. Being a mum to 2 amazing teenagers I wish to share how incredibly different parenting can be and feel while in depression. I used to give myself a hell of a hard time before I came to realise I was doing an amazing job for a woman who was facing what felt like hell on earth (depression) at the time. Constantly trying to manage your triggering and exhausting thoughts and feelings while raising a family at the same time can be seriously tough. Seeing chronic depression is partly chemically based (regarding brain/body), I'll relate to parenting with depression as like being given this really depressing drug on a daily basis and then being told to 'Go raise a family while on this drug'. It's sh*t, basically, and can feel almost impossible.

Never undersell how hard you've worked to get to where you are. In my opinion, some of the hardest workers are those with mental health challenges. You can be going out to work or working as a full time stay at home parent while working through a whole stack of meds in search for 'the right one'. You can be working to find the best therapist, working with mind altering therapies (like CBT), working hard to just get out of bed each morning and have a shower, working through a myriad of self help books, working through your issues in order to raise your consciousness and so on. So much work with little credit. Yes, those with mental health challenges can be the hardest workers in the world and they can work for years without 'leave', without a break. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

I can relate to alcohol as being an emotional regulator. It was a factor for me in depression. It's like if you were to label a bottle with emotions, instead of ingredients, it would read something along the lines of 'Contains elements of happiness, relaxation, freedom from thinking (mind numbing factors), Dutch courage, the 'social butterfly' effect' and so on. To not rely it daily is progress you need to give yourself serious credit for.

Have you ever looked into the challenges and abilities of an empath? Try Googling 'Problems only empaths will understand'. Hope it helps :)

Thanks chlobug11

its so hard hey 😢 the guilt is real the negative thoughts plague me I don’t no what to do or how much longer I can hold on for I did book a drs appt so that is something I guess I just do not have a lot of faith in doctors or medicine but feel like It’s an absolute last resort and I guess I owe it to myself and the kidlets to give it a go -hoping this will be the start of new beginnings time will tell

Hi, lookingforlightgirl,

Good luck with the DR's appointment. I'm proud of you for reaching out for your and your kids.

All the best

Leisa 68

Still in the same situation not leaving the house can’t see anything changing because I am not doing anything different yet I cannot bring myself to do anything 😭 This is torture

sleeping most days away up late at night scrolling the internet such a waste of life my life is hopeless 😞 wish I wasn’t born it’s so cruel

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

Seriously outside the square but have you ever considered something like psychospiritual therapy? It's amazing the kind of things we'll try out of pure desperation. This kind of therapy works well for some but not for others. You might find it's one that suits you. Not sure. If you entertain the idea, it pays to look around. While some therapists in this field are extreme, some basically work from a Jungian perspective of psychology. The idea that there's more to us than simply thoughts and chemistry is what took psychology in a slightly different direction, compared to what it was originally like, based on Freud's theories. Wondering if you've ever heard of Carl Jung.

I think finding someone who's going to explore and help you manage the absolute pure exhaustion you're feeling is key. It can be almost impossible to make changes through pure exhaustion. The feeling of pure exhaustion can add to depression, partly because it's depressing. To be able to barely move is depressing but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Sounds like someone really needs to be addressing the impact your lack of energy is having on you, while helping you address your overwhelming thoughts at the same time (that internal dialogue).

Hoping the GP appointment helps steer you in the direction that begins to make a positive difference to you. By the way, you'll know if you have a good GP as they won't say something like 'Being a mum is exhausting at times. Sometimes it can even get stressful and depressing. It's natural'. Do not settle for such a 'diagnosis'. You deserve much better than that. I've heard this kind of stuff before, myself, and it's highly triggering. You want to be looking for answers, not an unhelpful opinion.

Hi therising’s 😊

thankyou for your msg I will definitely look into Carl jung sounds interesting

still haven’t gotten myself to the GP i really haven’t gone anywhere for some time now

it’s so shit I feel like I am just wasting my life away but I don’t care enough to change my circumstances it’s so frustrating if death was painless and I didn’t believe in God I would not be here right now -seriously living day to day sleeping as much as I can feel like I need someone to take my hand and take me somewhere to get better wherever that is feel like I need someone to hold my hand like I have no self esteem pretty sad wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy 😭
literally just hoping every night that tomorrow will be better and I will somehow magically be cured but nope same shit different day I don’t talk on the phone much preferring to msg just losing contact with everyone because I have nothing to contribute to conversations anyway as I do nothing see nobody arrrrh

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

Do you have anyone in your life who is a hand holder? I think you've hit the nail on the head. Having a hand holder in depression is so important, in my opinion. Whether they're holding our hand gently along part of our path in life or holding it while dragging us kicking and screaming toward what's actually going to make a difference to us, either way we're not alone in managing what can be the toughest time we've ever faced.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. So frustrating when clarity eludes us when we're in a deeply challenging situation. I recall throughout my years in depression the lack of hand holders in my life. This is not to say I didn't have a lot of loving people around me but I needed more (at the time) than basically being loved. I needed to be actively loved. I needed people to take more action. While it's easy for me to now see a lot of the depressing behaviour of the people around me, looking back, as well as my own depressing behaviour (such as relying on alcohol), what I never realised at the time was how depressing a lack of active love could also be. I think people simply had the attitude 'I truly hope things get better for her. I hope things don't get any worse'. Basically hoping never really got me anywhere. My husband's attitude was 'If I don't upset her/trigger her she'll be okay'. What I really needed was to have a partner who constantly triggered me to possibility, do find the differences I desperately needed throughout those years. At the end of the day, I think most of the people just didn't know what to do exactly. None of them were expert in managing depression. With that last sentence (regarding expertise), when this occurred to me after I came out of depression, I was forgiving before I began to question. The big question, 'Why did no one around me research depression, so as to become expert?'.

Do you feel like a lot of the people around you are basically letting you vibe in the state you're in, simply hoping things don't get any worse? It can take a sh*t load of hard work to manage our way through depression and it can take just as much hard work for the people around us who choose to actively raise us out of the depths. It is seriously hard work, where simply hoping isn't enough or simple suggestions for change aren't enough.

Strange question but have you ever had a sleep study done? Could there be an additional factor contributing to the lack of energy? Have you had any blood work done by your GP?

Hi the rising

no I don’t really have any hand holders my husband sounds the same as yours he let me self destruct with alcohol for many years - and then played the victim when I got out of control and did horrible things -like I don’t know if he just loved me and let me do what I wanted or if it was just easier for him to let me do what I wanted either way I do hold great resentment towards him - we do not communicate really at all he is a gamer so works long hrs comes home at dinner time and onto his game or watches tv I have no interest in talking anyway we have broken up and got back together 3 times in last 10 years I’m so not happy it’s like he is just happy to just get by - no goals or personal interests I was always ambitious and out going and I feel maybe he has majorly contributed to where I am at now like I lowered my expectations etc - (I must admit these days I am a terrible communicator as well )I don’t no wat I’m trying to get at just venting I guess not sure if it’s my depression making me feel this way about him or …… like everything about him annoys me these days man I sound like such a whinger

thanks for listening it’s good to get this stuff out definitely therapeutic

Hi Lookingforlightgirl

In no way do I see you as whinging. I think sometimes we vent to simply bring things out into the open, so as to make better sense of them. So, if that's what works well, keep doing it. If that's what helps make progress, go for it :) By the way, not everything we vent will make sense until it does. It's like you can vent about the same issue over and over again until the people around you proclaim they're getting sick of it. I've actually discovered that through such a process the people around us are typically either a) not giving any feedback, while sometimes shutting us down, or b) giving feedback we can't relate to, when it comes to making progress. Then, suddenly, you can come across someone who not only seriously listens but gives you feedback you can relate to. When this happens...BAMM...a significant mind altering revelation comes to you. I love mind altering; there's an energy to it you can really feel.

Being one of those mind/body/spirit gals, I've found it's paid off over the years when it's come to approaching certain situations from all 3 angles. I'll use the scenario of our partners to relate to

• Mentally, the internal dialogue that comes with being a wife/partner can go a little like 'Everyone thinks he's a nice guy. Why am I so unreasonable? Why can't I feel like everyone else feels toward him? What's wrong with me? Why do I have to be such a bi*ch?'. You can start to really beat yourself up, thanks to thoughts/internal dialogue.
• Physically, things start to change. Chemistry plays its part, reacting to thoughts and other factors. As you'd know, given your studied profession, the unromantic version of who or what we are is chemistry, blood and organs, brain matter, arteries etc. Our thoughts and dis-ease have an impact on all this stuff
• I'll simplify the spiritual factor by referring to it as natural or naturally. If our partner, for example, doesn't raise us or rise with us, we feel it naturally. We might feel it as heartbreak or heartache, something you can physically feel in your chest at times. You can feel the lack as hopelessness. Before you know it, you can feel the lack in so much. To feel it intensely is depressing. While you can make an effort to vibe down to their level of happiness, sitting on the couch watching tv and that's about it, it's their happiness. You've lost you along the way to making them happy. Eventually you feel it. Naturally, we're feelers. We feel everything, especially what's wrong