I feel so deeply for you as you face this incredibly challenging time in your life, a time of deep and intense questioning and self reflection.
You convey perfectly what depression felt like for me: I have people that care about me and say things to motivate me but I feel like my inner child is dead just fragmented memories of things I liked or used to like or be, but my soul feels empty I don’t even know who I am. Btw, Yggdrasil sounds like a master in resurrecting the inner child and offers sage advice.
When I came out of more than a decade in depression, I had absolutely no idea who I was. I had to search for my true sense of self. Incredibly hard to do (an understatement) when you've got virtually no guidance. So incredibly confusing and, at times, depressing in some ways. Yggdrasil touches on one of the significant challenges - I was certainly deeply embarrassed by my adolescent hobbies when I started doing them again. To find the sense of self who does not care about what others think or say is definitely a part of the challenge. In bringing the child in me back to life, I discovered this sense of self could not fully come back to life without 'the bi*ch' or 'the sage' in me as well. For some years after coming out of depression I began to listen again to all the degrading stuff that was said to me, such as how foolish or weird or stupid I was to be naturally loving the things that were bringing me back to life more and more. So then, as in childhood, I stopped what I loved (which became depressing) until I returned to it all again. This time I did it with the bi*ch and the sage, amongst other aspects of self...
If someone degrades what I love, the bi*ch may pop up, for example - 'So how's life working for you? While you dictate what naturally brings me joy to be foolish and stupid, I want you to wonder why you remain dependent on alcohol to feel or not feel your way through life'. The sage like sense of self is the aspect which dictates 'Don't say it out loud or you're going to burn that bridge' or 'Say it, as the bridge no longer serves you. This bridge is truly depressing'.
Do you feel the lunatic in you may be the equivalent to the bi*ch in me? Do you need to gain a sense of the sage, for balance?
While 'surrection' is defined as 'rising', who or what stops a child from naturally rising? Re-surrection is basically a 2nd chance to naturally rise to meet with who you truly are.
To know thyself is a complex journey :)