I became a mum for the first time last year to a beautiful little boy who I love to pieces, but I can't help but be envious of my old life. There is so much I miss about my life before DS (darling son), and I can't help but feel resentful towards him sometimes.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years now, I manage with medication, but some days are just BAD. DS has been going through a really clingy/separation anxiety phase (even if you're right next to him, he wants to be held). Hubby works during the week so it's only me and DS throughout the day. The last couple of weeks has just been winging and winging mixed with teething (I hope), and last night it got the better of me and I snapped.
I knew it was coming so I put DS in his cot where he would be safe, then I lost it. I through things, I shouted at my husband (who sadly is used to me having meltdowns) and I wanted to hit things. I try really hard not to hit things, so I push against a wall or door frame to expel the pent up energy. Hubby went to took care of DS which was great, but it also left me alone. I've always had Hubby to help hold me, or hold my hands and be there. This time I didn't. This led to resentment again towards DS for taking Hubby from me when I needed him. These thoughts then led to self-loathing and self-hate. I went for a drive. I cried for a good hour.
I am going back to work next week for three days and I am so excited. Does this make me a bad mother for wanting to leave my child? I just don't think I am a good SAH (stay at home) mum.
I'm hoping with me being back at work and having these breaks more often will make me a happier mum for DS.
Thanks for listening. Just needed somewhere to vent.