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Topic: Hello

  1. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    20 April 2020
    Hello, I'm a 36-year old man and have suffered depression for many years. I was bullied constantly in high school and have always preferred to keep things to myself.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Rumples
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    Rumples avatar
    95 posts
    20 April 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi Adam,

    Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for having the courage to reach out tonight. I know it must have taken a lot. You're not alone, please know this. I'm here for you, as well as a small army of wonderful, caring people who are all here to listen and help you.

    Depression, the old black dog. I know where you are. I've lived with it for over 30 years now, so I know what you're feeling. Have you spoken to your GP? That's usually the best first course of action. Too many of us try and cope alone and it always ends up badly, I know I did it.

    Children at school can be terribly cruel creatures when they want to be. They seem to have a knack of sensing the weak and vulnerable and preying upon them. Been there to my friend.

    I'd love to have a nice long chat. How about it? I'm here and I'm waiting.

    Come back to me with your thoughts.

    Your friend - Rumples xo

    1 person found this helpful
  3. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    21 April 2020 in reply to Rumples

    Hello. It's very hard, considering that recently I found my beloved dog I've had for nearly 17 years has developed cataracts and she's too old to get them removed. I have lost a lot over the years and can't bear to be around when I lose her.

    I don't have my own GP, I just see whoever is available. When I saw him last year about my not wanting to be hear anymore, all he said was "Get a job, get a girlfriend and rock her world in the bedroom and maybe go on holiday. I'll also prescribe you some anti-depressant medication."

    Even though my dog is still barking happily and eating her meals, she does have walking issues as well but each morning I wake up thinking "Is today the day? Will dad come into my room to tell me the bad news?"

  4. Rumples
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    95 posts
    21 April 2020 in reply to adamc

    Thanks for replying Adam :0)

    Cataracts in a dog, or even a human aren't anything to worry about in themselves. My brother lived quite happily for a number of years with one partially covering his left eye until he had it removed. So don't worry about them, it's not a big deal and just part of ageing.

    Unfortunately, we know that one day our furry friends will leave us. It's an unfortunate reality of being an animal lover. And yes, one day that dreaded reality comes home to roost and destroys us. I've always found the best way to deal with it over the years is to go out and get a new puppy, in memory of my faithful companion. It some how gives me comfort knowing that he/she will never be forgotten and their memory will live on.

    What are your thoughts?

    Rumples :0)

  5. missep123
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    21 April 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I completely understand about your pet. I love my dog so much they are a part of my family. I find that the beautiful thing about dogs is that they are so happy and are such fighters. I also understand the feeling of anxiety of when someone is going to tell you that it's 'the day'. For me I found that to be exhausting. There is a very good quote I try to remind myself when I'm feeling this way, it's 'worrying is suffering twice'. What do you think about this quote? It sounds like you love your pet very much and that's wonderful to see.

    With regards to your GP have you found one that you find you especially 'click' with? I find that sometimes it takes going to a few different ones to find the one that you feel understands you and that you feel comfortable with. That comfort is very important.

    Here for you!

  6. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    22 April 2020 in reply to Rumples

    I could never get another pet as I hate the feeling of growing close to them and suddenly, they're gone. I have been going on daily walks by myself and each time I break down crying, thinking of how I failed her.

    All these years, I've taken responsibility for her health and well-being and yet I wasn't confident enough to push the vet to listening and understand my concerns with her walking; years ago, she would trip, stumble, collapse with all her legs going out from under her. I should've said "Now look here, this is not arthritis as you claim (it was diagnosed based on a single X-ray of an elbow) so find out what it is."

    Any parent would act this way if they felt doctors were ignoring their child's ailment and as I have grown to think of my dog as my child, I should've been able to do that. The fact I couldn't because I was listening to the vets and my parents saying it is arthritis, what does that say about me as a "parent"?

    I believe she was injured while she was being groomed so many years ago and only now are people starting to say "It's a possibility" when it's too late to do anything. Any like-minded vet would've said "These issues your concerned about doesn't sound like arthritis to me so maybe we'll do an MRI."

    While vets are nice people, that doesn't account to their skills as a Vet. I like them but deep down I don't trust them. What's happening to my treasured dog proves that point.

    Before we moved where we're living now, we never had or desired pets and I loved that. Since then, it has been one pet after another. Losing one after another. But my mum and eldest sister seem to think "Lose one and just replace it" like they think their disposable.

    I heard my dad tell both of them last night when I was in my room that if they even think or get another dog, they'll never see me again. I'm sick of feeling great loss when I lose someone.

  7. Rumples
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    22 April 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi Adam and thanks for replying,

    Personally, I wouldn't have taken a more forceful approach with the Vet back then. For starters, we like to think they're the experts, Dr's if you will for our cherished furry friends. The last thing you would have wanted is someone treating your dog who you'd "ticked off". It's like you're always nice to the person making your takeaway food, you don't want to give them any reason to take a dislike to you, you don't know what you're going to get. The same thinking applies here with the Vet. You made the right choice, as we all would have, in trusting what he/she diagnosed.

    Losing our beloved animals is all part and parcel of life. Yes, it's traumatic and heart wrenching when they leave us, however, we have to go on, life can't stop. And, just think, if you never get another dog, that'll be one less getting loved and cared for and I'm sure that's not what you're about.

    You'll be right. Just love and look after your little mate whilst you still have him and try and make the time he/she has left the best years of his/her life.

    Always here for you xoxo

    Rumples

  8. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    24 April 2020 in reply to Rumples

    I never took a forceful approach with them but no one would ever have reason to doubt their diagnosis, that it was just arthritis. My beloved dog is now paying the prince for it. Rather than getting treated for what she DOES have, it's more like she's treated for they think she has.The other Vet says she has nerve damage but from what or where, it's hard to say as she's too old for them to properly investigate. Because of her heart condition, it would be too risky to give her an anesthetic as she might not come out of it.

    Now dad is saying that when we first noticed issues with her years ago, we should've just taken her to the Veterinary Hospital. I will be even more heartbroken than I am now if it's found out that her issues were easily treatable if found early enough.

    For years I have said I do not want to lose her to something that could've, and should've, been prevented and it certainly looks like I will, all because I listened to the Vet.

  9. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    25 April 2020 in reply to adamc

    Took Kelli to the vet yesterday to have her right eye checked out and seems she's now blind in that eye.

    The vet also listened to her heart and it's gotten worse since the previous time, even though looking at how alert she is, you wouldn't think she has a problem.

    The biggest thing that was said by the vet is very soon, we have to decide how long we're going to manage it for or are we just prolonging it just to keep her here. I didn't need to hear that.

    For some reason, at the start of the year, I had a feeling that we might lose Kelli this year and it looks like I'm right. I looked online last night to see if anything can be done to reduce and enlarged heart and ended up finding an article about if dogs can feel that they're dying. It said that your dog wants comfort with their families in their final moments and for you not to show emotion as it'll distress them.

    After that, I went on another long walk last night and had the biggest cry I have had yet. For the past 17 years, I have always placed a Christmas present under the tree for my dog (squeaky toys, treats, coats, beds, bowls, a new collar) but this Christmas, it'll be the first in so long without one.

  10. missep123
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    26 April 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I'm really sorry to hear that :(

    It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment. Have you thought about speaking to anyone over the phone such as the Beyond Blue helpline (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14)? Alternatively you could also call Mindspot Clinic (1800 61 44 34) who can help in regards to anxiety and depression?

    Otherwise have you thought about learning about mindfulness or meditation? I've gone through my previous pet having health problems and I wish I knew about mindfulness/meditation back then because it helps us cope with the things we can't change and helps to ground us.

    Here for you during this difficult time.

  11. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    27 April 2020 in reply to missep123

    Thank-you.

    I did speak to BeyondBlue over the phone the other day and spoke to my counselor this afternoon and they both understand what I'm going through. The bond between me and Kelli has grown so large over the years, she is like the daughter I will never have.

    When my mum found me sitting on the floor that night close to crying, she told me that we're all feeling concern over Kelli's situation and I don't have to think I have to suffer alone but in all respect, I have always been alone. Over the years, I have had people push me away and watch as I lose those I cherish. I'm sick of it. Do I want another 50 years of it? No, not even 10 years.

    I have never thought about meditation.

    I still feel as though I failed her, I took responsibility for her health and well-being yet I couldn't get the vets to listen and understand my concerns with her health and now she is paying for it.

  12. missep123
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    1 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I am really glad to hear that you spoke to BeyondBlue over the phone and your counsellor. It's really great to see that you are reaching out for help and support when you need it.

    I hear you. It can be very hard difficult to not feel alone when we have gone through many experiences in the past that support this idea. Basically what can happen is that we develop certain expectations, whether we are aware of them or not. We expect these situations to happen a certain way due to our previous experiences. The good news is that we can break these expectations by rewiring our brain by experiencing situations in a different way. For example, when something bad happens I may go to my room and lie in my bed and not want to speak to anyone. Instead, I can start to try to break this cycle by maybe talking to a family member right away, making myself some tea, listen to soothing music or go for a walk. I have had to do this for myself as I found myself reacting to situations in a very anxious and stressful manner.

    It can be really difficult when we feel like we fail our pets, I can really see how much you love her. It is also difficult when our pets can't speak so we interpret for ourselves what is happening and how they are feeling. I'm not sure if this gives you comfort but a lot of my friend's pets had cataracts and health issues but they were so happy and lived a great life. When I went through health issues with my previous pet I sit down and think about the great times we had together. If I never had that pet then I wouldn't have had those memories, if that makes sense.

    Here for you!

  13. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to missep123

    My dog has an enlarged heart, cataracts in one eye and issues with her walking. Dad took her to the vet this morning by himself to her eye checked out and while I was occupied elsewhere, the phone rang. It was him so I rang him back and he told me two words I didn't want to hear:

    "It's time. Kelli has a new condition."

    NO!!! In honesty, I wanted her to go peacefully in her sleep because of old age. I never wanted to have to put her to sleep because of a problem she shouldn't have.

    I can't, and don't, want to say goodbye to her. We've done so much over the years together. I have done so many things for her. The vet can put me to sleep before her.

  14. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3423 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to adamc
    Hi adamc,

    Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing this with us here today. We're so sorry to hear about you beloved Kelli and how this is affecting your mental wellbeing.

    Our support service is trying to phone you are we are worried about you.

    If you're an immediate risk to yourself or others, then this is an emergency and you should call 000 straightawaay. We'd encourage you to reach out to our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

    Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
  15. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I went on a long walk today, not wanting to come back and cried the entire time.After I got home, my dad gave me the number for Beyond Blue so I went on another long walk and spoke to them for about 2 hours.

    My last dog that we didn't even have for 6 years suffered a serious illness and we had no choice but to have her put down. We noticed she had fluid on her lungs and had trouble breathing so we did the right thing by her. But with Kelli, she is still wagging her tail, barking, smiling and is interested in life and I think "I can't take her life away. I can't do it."

    I have told dad and my young sister that I can't be here when she goes but I know dad will tell me that in these past 17 years where Kelli has needed me and I've been here, will I be here when she needs me the most to take her pain away. I don't know. It will be too traumatic watching her close her eyes for the last time and to no longer see and hear the things that I enjoyed the most.

    How could I do Christmas shopping this year and not get anything for her which I have done each year since we got her?

    Kelli was abandoned at just a few weeks old by the people she thought loved her. Now, she is going to be the one abandoning the people who loved her.

    "The one with the biggest heart will leave the biggest hole in ours."

  16. missep123
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    21 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I'm really sorry to hear you have been going through this

    I'm really glad you called Beyond Blue and spoke to them when you needed support. I think that it's really important to look after yourself during these tough times.

  17. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    21 May 2020 in reply to missep123

    I heard mum say earlier to dad that maybe it's time to let her go.

    I can't do it!! I can't take my beloved pet's life away from her. She would still be perfectly fine if my concerns were listened to by the vet, but they weren't. They just kept putting it down to arthritis and old age. I told my sister weeks ago that the problem is arthritis is easy to diagnose but anything else requires effort.

    I keep telling myself that I have failed in my duty of pet responsibility to keep Kelli healthy and I start to wonder if it is actually the vet as well who failed her.

    I have my young sister and two nieces coming over on Saturday to see her so I don't know what will happen then or after. Will she be gone by month's end? Next month was going to be her birthday (my sister tells me we got her in June) where she turned 17.

    I can't stand losing people and the thought of losing my most cherished pet to whom I have developed an unbreakable bond with, whom I have done so much for over the years, is unthinkable.

    I always said that if I were to lose her, it would be easier if she went peacefully in her sleep due to old age. I did not want to lose her to something that could've, and should've, been prevented. But it looks like I will and I can't stand it. She deserved more than that . For 17 years to show how much she was full of life and love and then to have the ones she loved the most to take her precious life away from her, she doesn't deserve that. It would be even harder if I notice a little tear sliding down her face, knowing she will never see us again but my tears will be flowing like a river.

    I can't bear to lose her. And yes, I am crying as I type this.

  18. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    She's gone. :( :( :(

    While she ate her dinner tonight and took her DentaStik fine, I noticed she was out of her kennel when I was doing the rubbish so I took her and put her back in.

    When mum went outside to check on her before bed, I was sitting playing a game when all of sudden I heard her shout "KELLI!!!" My sister and I went outside and found her motionless on the wet grass. She must've been trying to go to the toilet, I noticed she had brought up her dinner and ad thinks she may have had a heart attack. I'm starting to think it was another seizure.

    We kept her coat and collar and the vet has said they can keep her until we have made final preparations for her. I'm just hoping they remember that she's ours and doesn't get mixed up with another dog.

    I'd like for her to take her bed that I bought her a couple of Christmas' ago.

    Rest in Peace my beloved Kelli. I will never forget you.

    "The loss of the biggest heart will forever leave the biggest hole in ours."

  19. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3423 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to adamc
    Hi adamc

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community tonight and are so sorry to hear about your loss and what you’ve been going through. Our community is here for you.

    Keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.
     
  20. missep123
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    22 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I am very sorry to hear your loss. Like Sophie_M has said, I'm also really grateful that you reached out to the community because we really are here for you.

  21. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank-you.

    Dad says I did everything I could for her over the years, paying her medical bills and caring for her. What will I do for Christmas this year when I bought her something each year to express my love for her and that we was part of the family. Dad suggested get a memorial stone and maybe make a special garden in the backyard for her and we can hold a moments silence for her.

    When I put her back in her kennel last night and turned her round to face out, I gave her a kiss on the head and gazed into her eyes. So in retrospect, I was the last one to say "Hello" when we first got her back in 2003 as I had just got home from somewhere and last night, I was the last one to see her alive and the last to say "Goodbye".

    While I read that dogs do not want to go alone, both Dad and my young sister thinks she left her kennel and wanted her final moments to be private. I am sure she will remember that kiss I put on her head and it was my face she saw for the last time.

    Dad and I believe that our dog Trixie who we lost back in 2014 was waiting for her to arrive. And now she has.

    For many years I have been alone because people have either pushed me away or I have lost those I care about and now I have just lost my beloved, and best, friend whose smile, big beautiful brown eyes and bark would always lighten up my day. Who would yell at me through the back door wondering why I was taking so long to get her dinner ready. Who, many years ago, was looking for me to take for a walk in pouring rain. Who wanted to keep going on a walk when the entire suburb had a total blackout. But I did because I cared.

    It was going to be her birthday next month.

  22. missep123
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    23 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I can see that you really loved her and took such good care of her. How do you feel about the idea of the memorial stone and special garden? Could this be something that you can take care of and keep your connection with her? I know that I like to spend moments in time thinking about my pet who I loved so much who passed.

    It really sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with your dog. I think it's really beautiful that you and your dad believe your other dog was waiting for her to arrive.

  23. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to missep123

    I loved her terribly and now she has gone. When she was found, she had vomited. I don't know if she had a seizure, her heart failed or worse she ate a toadstool not knowing it was poisonous and she was throwing up to try to expel it.

    I rang up a veterinary hospital today to ask to speak to a vet to see whether how she was found was common with any of the things I mentioned but got told by the receptionist "I'm sorry, but the vet does not answer customer enquiries." When I told her how she was found, the person said that it may be a sign of toxicity but without a postmortem we won't know, but we might not know even if one was done.

    Dad would just like to have her cremated and brought home, hoping that I will try to find some closure but I can't. Every day when I get up and see her not here, it's heartbreaking. For 17 years we had such a close bond and now she has left me, how I don't know. If she was found resting in her kennel, it might be easier but not how she WAS found. I can't stop picturing it.

    A special garden and memorial stone sounds nice and Dad was even thinking of putting a door on Kelli's kennel, painting it and raise it off the ground. Also getting her name put on the front.

    I'd like her to take some things with her, things she loved like her coat that i bought her, her bed and maybe her DentaStiks that she loved so much. Dad suggested she should just take her coat with her and maybe the DentaStiks can go to my young sister's dog. I'd like her to take more than her coat.

    When we had our last dog cremated, she took her bed that she was placed in, one of her coats and a few of her favourite toys.

    I know that maybe in a few months I will be looking back at all the happy times I had with her but the way I feel now, I don't think I ever will. Whenever I got happy, something went wrong.

    I want her back. :( :( :(

  24. missep123
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    24 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    It's so hard especially when you see them like that. My previous dog was only 9 and had an enlarged heart condition and seizures, seeing her in pain in her last moments was so painful and I have to admit that I didn't look back on the memories until a while later until it wasn't too painful to do so. That was about 3 years ago but about 6 months to 1 year after everything I was able to look back at photos and memories with happiness rather than sadness. It is a process though and it's important to take care of ourselves while we are grieving. I hope that your family can support you through the process! It sounds like they are with the lovely suggestions of memorial, garden and door on her house.

    Take your time to grieve adamc, your emotions and feelings are completely valid. Please make sure to take care of yourself as well in the meantime and reach out here and to help lines whenever you need!

  25. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    24 May 2020 in reply to missep123

    Thank-you.

    Today I wrote letters; one from me to her and one I "found" from her. Dad says it's better to get your feelings down on paper, I did but neither mum or my eldest sister were interested in reading them. Dad is interested.

    I had my youngest sister and two nieces over yesterday and my eldest niece told me I need to cheer up but I don't think I can.

    I'd like a postmortem done so we know what happened, in a way I need to know, but my sister suggests otherwise. She knows what gets done and doesn't want Kelli to go through that. Besides, that not-very-respectful receptionist at the hospital doesn't feel me with confidence they'll treat Kelli with respect. I think I might agree with her.

    They both just want Kelli brought home as soon as possible, where she belongs. It's hard going outside and still seeing her kennel with the blanket inside and her still-full drinking bowls. It just looks too empty and quiet.

    I think Kelli will be the one pet I will never get over losing. I loved her and I miss her with all my heart. She was fine when I put her back to bed and kissed her head. I never thought she would be gone just a couple of hours later. Did seeing me one last time put her at ease?

  26. missep123
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    25 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    I think that's a great idea to write down how you feel in letters. How did you feel after writing and reading them? I'm really glad your dad is interested!

    I agree, it can be really hard seeing the empty bed and full drinking bowls :( I was like that too but through time I healed. It was a process though.

    I think everyone has their own way of grieving. Some people believe they will just 'get over it' but others say they will always carry their loved one in their heart and at first it is painful but through time it becomes comforting. I am one of those people who will always carry my previous pet in my heart.

    I think with these things they are so difficult because they are also unexpected. We don't know how things can change :(

  27. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    25 May 2020 in reply to missep123

    I did find a letter that Kelli "wrote" as she said her farewells to everyone. Every person I gave it to broke down into tears when they read it.

    I will be sending my letter with her and when I read it, with the letter she left for me knowing how hard it'll be for me, breaks me down every time.

    When dad and I went for a long walk today, I asked him why I am more distressed with Kelli's passing than everyone else I've lost and he said because I had known Kelli the longest and basically grew up with her. When my sister and two nieces came over on Saturday, I gave my sis a big hug and even then I broke down. She understood why. I told dad today that I wouldn't have been able to do that with mum. She has never been the approachable type when I need to talk to someone.

    And to make matters worse, tonight mum was already talking about wanting to get another dog. How dare she!! That's been her problem; lose one you just replace it with another.

    We've decided not to do a postmortem but I still feel uneasy about it. I've always had questions and once she's cremated, I'll never get the answers to what was wrong, of what the vets were never interested in finding out.

  28. missep123
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    26 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    Thank you for the update! I'm really glad you have been able to reach out and connect with your dad and sister. I know that I was really distressed when my previous dog passed away also and I feel like it is also because I grew up with her.

    In my family half of us wanted to get a new dog and the other half really did not want to. In the end we did get a new puppy and for us it helped us heal but we always spoke about our old dog and tried to incorporate her memory as best as we could. I think the hardest thing is that everyone has different grieving processes and want to do different things to heal.

    How have you been going today?

  29. adamc
    adamc avatar
    59 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to missep123

    I wasn't very good yesterday. Dad and I organised things for Kelli to take with her; her coat, my letter, a couple of photos, one of her toys and I picked up a bouquet of flowers on the way to the hospital. Mum didn't make things easier, saying she'd never been asked for her input but when we did want it, she wasn't interested.

    She also made fun of me when I was on the phone to the cremation services and because I was distressed at what I needed to talk about, I was saying "Um" a lot.

    When Dad and I left the hospital after dropping off Kelli's things, I looked back at it thinking "She's really gone. My beloved dog and best friend is never coming back."

    I was skimming TV channels last night and caught the start of a program with the funeral of a police chief and I broke down almost immediately.

    I've been anxious, double and even triple-checking to make sure everything is correct. When I put Kelli's letter and the photos into the envelope, even though I knew I just did, I kept checking about 3 times to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. And also making sure that final preparations for Kelli have been 100% understood as I don't want the service to get something wrong.

    My biggest problem is that once she's been cremated, I will never, ever know what happened, what was wrong and what took her from me. People have been telling me that she probably just had a major seizure and her heart gave out. But that just further aggravates it for me; no one was interested in finding out what truly was wrong. One of her medications states in our medicine book that to use caution when being used for undiagnosed ailments.

    The fact I will never know will both upset and anger me for ages to come. And I have lost her. This is why I don't trust vets.

  30. missep123
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    318 posts
    28 May 2020 in reply to adamc

    I'm sorry to hear that yesterday was a tough day for you. For myself and for a lot of people, the grieving process can have a lot of ups and downs.

    It can be very frustrating when we want to find something out but we can't. I have found though that if I hang on to that thought it can be very stressful and exhausting. I have given myself permission to let it go and not have such control over me. How would you feel about this?

    Here for you

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