Hi! I grew up not being allowed to go to therapy or to the doctor, no matter how bad it got. My family never understood mental health illness, said I was being "emotional" and "hormonal" and to stop being rediculous.
As you can imagine, I left my family when I was very young to go to university elsewhere. After I left them, I went a doctor and he gave me a mental health check, to which he looked me straight in the face and said "You are the most mentally ill person I have ever met" (thanks... doc)
I went and saw one therapist for 2 sessions and she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, but then I stopped seeing her as I ran out of time and exams were coming up and I just didn't care about myself enough anymore.
I had a complete mental breakdown last year and went back into therapy (about... 2 years? after my last session). I went to a different therapist, and she additionally diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, but also PTSD from past abuse, a very severe eating disorder, potential autism and dyslexia, even possible Schizophrenia. She retired last last year and I cannot work up the courage to go and dig up all my past again with another therapist. Not yet.
It should be noted, BOTH of these therapists told me to go to a doctor and get medication, but I never did. My depression told me I was useless and never going to be anything, so save the medication for someone who isn't going to be a useless lump of flesh. The thing that I needed the medication for prevented me from getting it. I have a very strong "You are a failure" complex that I cannot shake no matter how hard I work.
Now, I have graduated and wasn't able to get a job before shutdown. I am living paycheck to paycheck in an extremely toxic evironment with people who hate me for being mentally ill and am terrified of myself and my own thoughts. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating at all (as I write this, has been 24 hours), I need to get out but I cannot afford to. I can't even move back home with my parents (not that that would help, but it would get me out of here) as all of the borders around my state are closed and noone can get in or out due to Covid.
I have my online friends (no IRL friends, clinical social anxiety) who love and care for me, I am not fighting for myself anymore, I'm fighting for them. I don't think I am going to do anything drastic but I'm just... so tired, you know? I'm sick of the cliche "It'll get better". I've been suffering for half my life... when?