I am 23 year old male, almost 24.
Since about 13 or 14, I feel I have been depressed. Anxious since much younger.
Started using drugs and alcohol around 14/15 and struggled with mainly cannabis addiction up until about 6 months ago, when I finally quit. However in the past few years, I have also been abusing alcohol as well as prescription drugs. Every 6 months or so I seem to relapse on them while drinking, blacking out badly.
I was sober for one year off prescription drugs, until 1 month ago when I took some while drinking and felt so ashamed. I will add that I never used them daily. It was always just a random one off.
I have been sober off of alcohol for one month now.
I am now in my mid twenties. I have been employed basically non stop since I was 14. I have tried so many different jobs, and quit them all, because I was miserable at them.
I went to TAFE and quit after almost 2 years because I found it too difficult and thought I was bad at it. I went to university and dropped out after one single semester.
I am now in a job I thought HAD to be my calling. Now I am 2 months into this job and it is sucking my soul. I feel like such a whiny child.
Everyone else seems to be able to suck it up and just get on with the job, but I am always so miserable I quit after a period of time. I don't enjoy my job. I have no idea what I'm doing at work and feel like an imposter as a result. I feel so lost.
I have friends, but I don't really want to see them. This lockdown has honestly been great for me. Absolutely no social obligations. But then I feel like I'm weird for having absolutely no issues with being socially isolated. My roommate is a friend, and is losing their mind. I feel guilty for not putting in more effort to hang out with them.
I browse useless subreddits trying to improve my life. Find a passion. I sometimes find a bit of hope and start eating healthy, cleaning my room, trying to find a hobby (something totally not me, like knitting), getting out of bed and being productive, exercise, cooking, responding to friends, not watching porn or drinking, but I ALWAYS go back to my old ways. ALWAYS.
Seen a psychologist since 16, recently started seeing a psychiatrist. Tried an atypical antidepressant which did nothing. Too scared to try traditional anti depressants as I already struggle with erections...