Without a doubt, the relationship we have with our self is forever changing. This relationship can offer moments of incredible revelation and liberation, just as it can offer deeply depressing experiences which can lead us to question, cry or scream 'How the heck did I get here?'
When I was in the absolute depths of depression, the relationship I had with myself was depressing. I recall the day where everything changed. It was in a group therapy session that we were all asked to create a list on a whiteboard. The question, 'How would you describe yourself?' It ended up being quite a list...Hopeless, angry, sad, lost, lazy, difficult, frustrated, emotionally exhausted, controlling and the list went on and on. I recall finding it strange how we all had these traits in common, until it hit; these are the traits of depression, they are not my traits. I know that may sound a bit strange. My next thought was 'If these are the traits of depression and not my traits then...WHO AM I (without them)?'
I believe the greatest challenge we can ever face is the challenge of reforming our self (on an ongoing basis). I also believe to be able to reform our self, we first have to understand our self. It would be fantastic to have someone knock on our door and announce 'Okay, I know exactly who you are and how you tick. I know how you're interacting with all those learned beliefs/mental programs put into your head, since from when you were young. I know exactly the path you need to take in order to know who you naturally are. Now...are you ready to begin your reformation?' Of course, this would be classed as some freakish unheard of miracle, such a person showing up at our door. Often, it remains up to us to do the research, to find the answer to that question 'How the heck did I get here?'
What or who led me to regret, the feeling of unworthiness, hopelessness, and believing that I am a nothing and am ashamed and disgusted in myself? Regret: What led me to be so misguided? Unworthiness: What or who led me to believe I am worth less? Hopelessness: Who or what led me to hope for less? Who or what led me to the belief that I am nothing? Do you feel shame because you are someone who has the ability to feel remorse (the trait of a thoughtful person)? Self disgust, strangely enough, tends to be the point where change begins. It's the point where we can no longer tolerate the self we have been. Now, comes the search for the self we desire most.
Where to begin?