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Topic: I Feel so Alone

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Naraa
    Naraa avatar
    2 posts
    14 January 2020

    For some backstory, I have had diagnosed depression since I was 15, so 4 years now. I am used to the constant up and downs with my mood, and thought for the past year that I had decent control over my depression and was mostly fine. I thought that my anxiety was all I had to worry about, so I didn’t even think of the depression.

    Recently however, I am finding myself in one of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had for a long time. I need help, but I’m still dependent on my mother, and I asked her to stop my psychology appointments so that she could afford help for her own issues. I can’t afford them for myself. We do get help paying for 10 sessions under the mental health plan, but we still have to pay a decent amount, and the mental health plan no where near covers how many sessions my psych recommended for me.

    I am scared where my thoughts are taking me. I’m not sleeping well, which I know isn’t helping, but I don’t have the motivation to fix it. I was getting jealously issues over my best friend hanging out with other friends, and I know it was toxic and unfair of me, so I have pushed all my friends away. I feel like I am a burden, and that I should slowly push away from them so it’s less painful for them. This is the hardest thing for me, because I feel so alone....but watching them talk and laugh together, hang out... it made me feel even more alone. My best friend is amazing, she has tried to help me so much and I know she loves me, so I don’t know why I let this jealously affect me so much.

    I just need someone to talk to. I don’t know where to go. I wish I had my psychologist but I don’t.

  2. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2264 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Naraa
    Dear Naraa,

    Do you know what? It is so good that you have come here to talk to people, if you feel like you have nobody to talk to - you can get loads of different perspectives here.

    Well done for posting.

    I am so glad you have have your best friend who has supported you, but i can understand and relate to those feelings of jealousy and pushing people away -i have done the same thing at times.

    Not sleeping is a really difficult issue - it makes us tired, irritable, more sensitive to things that normally we may be able to take in our stride.

    So, for a start, I'm wondering if that might be a project you can take under your belt. In my experience, when my sleep is compromised, i find everything else really hard.

    I know I'm only focussing on one small issue for you at the moment, but sometimes fixing one thing can have a domino effect and help with other issues.

    Have you tried listening to podcasts to put you to sleep? I found one in the last week or so called Sleep With Me, i think it's by Derek Ackerman... he tells bedtime stories for adults, you might like to check it out on Spotify if you have it.

    I just want you to know you have come to an awesome, safe space to talk through your stuff ... i have probably not helped except to let you know you have been heard and we are listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Doolhof avatar
    8003 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Naraa

    Hi Naraa,

    Welcome to the community here. I am sorry to read you are suffering and experiencing depression. I too suffer from depression and other mental health issues.

    Depression can make us feel like we need to shut ourselves away, when what we really need is to be with people! It is like we have a battle going on in our heads! If you can, see the friend who is being supportive.

    I too understand the cost some people have to pay for services even though they have a mental health care plan.

    Is it possible for you to ask your Dr if they know of a service that bulk bills. Some Church groups have counsellors that charge a minimal fee, and you don't have to be of any faith to see them.

    If you telephone Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, the support workers can listen to you, offer advice and may also be able to suggest places you can get help. Beyond Blue also have a web site with information about depression.

    Is there one thing you can do each day to help you feel better about yourself?

    At the end of each day can you think of 3 things to be thankful for?

    A psychologist told me once that there are times when I have to accept the unpleasant depressed days and then try to find a way to do something that will give me even a small amount of pleasure or meaning.

    My thoughts are with you as you find ways to change how you are feeling and seek help and assistance.

    Many people here understand the feelings you are experiencing. Once again I welcome you to the community here.

    Regards from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Lisey~
    Lisey~ avatar
    2 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Naraa

    Hey Naraa,

    I know what you mean. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but you’re not alone. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Depression.

    I use to go to a lot of counseling, that my parents paid for, but I know we are tight on money and I didn’t want my Mum to be paying that much, so I did say I was ready to stop. It’s good you have a best friend who does support you.

    My best friend has been supporting me through my issues as well. I remember we both started to cry in the hallway at school when I was having a breakdown. She was crying because she was worried about me. My friend never cries. I have known her since we were 4 and she never cries, so this was the turning point for me to get better.

    Not sleeping makes everything worse and can make it hard for you the next day. Don’t feel bad about being jealous. Sometimes I find myself jealous of how all my friends have all these different friends and hang out a lot, and I only have three friends. But it’s better to have only three or even 1 friend.

    By the sound of it your best friend is there for you, and she is willing to help you. You are not a burden to anyone! How I cope with my own depression and dark thoughts is to think about what would happen to them if I wasn’t here. Don’t push yourself away from your friends, they love you and will always help.

    And no matter what or when they will be there for you!

    I really hope you feel better and are able to sleep more. If you ever need to talk about it, you can talk to me. I’ve had similar issues in the past. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did so thank you.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Naraa
    Naraa avatar
    2 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Birdy77
    Thankyou so much everyone for your kind words and support <3 it really means a lot to me. all the advice really helps too - i’m going to work on fixing my sleep now and listening to podcasts to help me :) honestly i can’t say how grateful i am. i have been in a really dark place and not sure what to do, but now i have things to work on, and i feel less trapped. thankyou everyone. it="" really="" means="" a="" lot="" to="" me.="" all="" the="" advice="" really="" helps="" too="" -="" i’m="" going="" to="" work="" on="" fixing="" my="" sleep="" now="" and="" listening="" to="" podcasts="" to="" help="" me="" :)="" honestly="" i="" can’t="" say="" how="" grateful="" i="" am.="" i="" have="" been="" in="" a="" really="" dark="" place="" and="" not="" sure="" what="" to="" do,="" but="" now="" i="" have="" things="" to="" work="" on,="" and="" i="" feel="" less="" trapped.="" thankyou="" everyone.="">
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Doolhof
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Doolhof avatar
    8003 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Naraa

    Hi Naraa and Lisey,

    Being in that dark place can feel awful. It is excellent you have both shared here how you are feeling. Knowing that you want your lives to be different is half the battle.

    I'm starting to descend into a dark place myself so know what it is like. I've made a list of things I can do to try and help myself through this.

    Yesterday I just wanted to stay home but forced myself to get out and went to a group I normally attend. It made me feel better to know I had not given in to the depression and negative thoughts.

    I mainly work weekends and 1 day a week plus have two days a week where I volunteer. The change in my usual routines has thrown me a little. I need to adjust and make my week days work better for me.

    It is important to make time to do things that we enjoy. Yesterday I bought some cheap canvases and hope to do some painting. I like looking at painting tutorials on the internet for ideas.

    Quite often my paintings don't look anything like the tutorials. Ha. Ha. That is okay, as long as I have fun doing them.

    Do you both have activities you enjoy doing and can you incorporate them more into your lives?

    Cheers to you both from Dools

    1 person found this helpful

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