so I’ve lurked on these forums a long time, trying to understand myself and what I’m feeling but I just can’t explain what it is. I know in my heart I’m broken.
Im 26 years old and Male. Ever since I was in my tweens and early teens my life has been one big mess to the next.
My home life was upturned when my parents divorced at 11, ever since then I have t felt right. I missed so much school in those times just because I didn’t cope as much as I lied to myself and I think that partly why I’m such a loser now. My Mum suffered a nervous breakdown after the divorce and since then has had multiple health issues including cancers, she’s never recovered cognitively, and has had constant treatment. and I took on a lot of responsibility for the running of the household and just a lot of her pain. That’s why I’ve shut out what I’ve been feeling for so long because I don’t want her to have her son be such a failure and I need to be strong for her.
I dropped out of school at Year 11, because truthfully I was naive, being avoidant and just had these grand ideas of going to TAFE, and somehow getting a job. That never worked out because I just never had any motivation and was constantly fretting over Mum..and spent a few years unemployed.
A family member helped me snag a menial job in 2015 just doing some record keeping. I felt for while I had my life together..but under the surface I was still no where near content. One day in 2017 I just suffered a massive panic attack out of the blue…and I just stormed out of the workplace never to return.
and That’s where I’ve been. Floundering since 2017 trying to keep up this facade of being ok, trying to find a job and looking after Mum still.
I’m on Jobseeker and not coping with the requirements I need to meet. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to see my GP about it all but I honestly don’t know if it’s worth it.
Somedays I’m fine, it doesn’t feel like anything’s bothering me but then I’ll hit a wall or have something push me too far and I’ll just shut down. I won’t leave my room, I constantly worry. My brain just doesn’t stop
But even then i Just feel an emptiness most days even when I feel ok. I just don’t feel like myself…I can’t explain it. It actually drives me mad.
I’ve never wanted to commit suicide, I’ve had fleeting thoughts but thinking of my family brings me back down.
i just need a break.
Sorry for such a long post, I’ve left out a lot.. I honestly just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.