Hi A Bit Of A Pickle
It's such an incredible challenge, to be such a deeply feeling person. While dollops of progress and inspiration here and there feel amazing, it's the down feelings that really mess with us.
When you can feel your thoughts, feel other people's pain and stress, feel degrading attitudes towards you, feel the global impact of COVID etc, that's heck of a lot of feeling. No wonder you're exhausted. To feel brutal self questioning can definitely become depressing.
I don't think I've ever met anyone who was taught how to constructively question themself from a young age or anyone who was led to fully understand both the pros and cons of feeling their way through life or how to master this ability (of feeling). Based on this, how can it be your fault for not knowing/understanding something you were never taught. This is something I've come to realise myself. Easier said than done but praise yourself for working so hard to evolve without a lot of guidance to make it easier.
Lock down, hmm. As I said to someone just the other day, I have nothing against constructive lock downs but I do have an issue with destructive ones. To repetatively suppress the longing to access activities that normally vibe us up is mind altering, when suppression's long term. To feel oppression over such a long period is also mind altering. The longer the suppression and oppression go on, the greater the potential for depression. Being in Melbourne (6th lock down), this only came to mind a few days ago. Up until then, I felt like I was losing my mind. While I left depression behind me some years ago, I could feel myself slipping back in. It's taken months of questioning why, with some absolutely brutal internal dialogue thrown into the mix. There is so much time to think.
With that internal dialogue, I can't help but think of that old idea of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Sometimes is seems like the angel's on mute and you can feel so deeply everything the other says. It can be so hard to ignore the harmful words that come to mind, in favour of opening the mind to that which offers inspiration. When I find a moment's peace, what comes to mind is that which I wish to share with you - You are in an enormous mind altering life changing challenge, one that's so very far from easy.
While the lies/dialogue that comes to mind (to be filtered out) can prove cruel, it's this cruel nature that dictates you're yet to find the truth, something to be felt.