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Topic: Live alone

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    17 May 2016

    I have no idea what these forums are all about.
    I have nothing in common with anybody here.
    I never went to uni.
    Never ran a business.
    Never been a manager.
    Highest salary I ever had was 50 thou.
    I never married or had kids.
    I live alone, don't have many friends (only 4 good friends including my sister).
    I've never been overseas.
    The last sexual relationship I had was in 1987.
    I can't make things or play music or anything.
    I am a 65 y/o man.
    I sometimes try things to fit-in and then fool myself into thinking I actually belong
    but sooner than later I realise I don't and then have to pull out.
    Please don't tell me to take up bowls or ballroom dancing.


  2. Paul
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Paul avatar
    810 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to Monash

    Hi Monash,

    Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. This is a place where people from all walks of life come together to talk about how they feel and help each other when they are feeling like life is on top of them.

    I get the feeling things aren't great at the moment and strangely I understand what it's like to feel like you don't fit in. I have a total of 2 friends, never been to uni, never married, no kids. Looks like we have some commonalities there.

    I'm definitely not going to tell you to take up bowls or ballroom dancing - that would insult your intelligence and I think you deserve some understanding to know you are amongst people who have felt or still feel similar emotions.

    How long have you been feeling like you don't belong?

    Hope to chat more soon.

    Paul

  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13385 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to Monash
    hello Monash, only a couple of years between you and me, and what you have done that we haven't done doesn't have much foundation, because this site is not about matching with others who have done the same thing as you, it's only a site to help and talk with someone who feels some kind of depression, and loneliness will cause someone to be depressed.
    Many people do play bowls and dancing but that doesn't mean that they won't get depression, there is a good chance they could get it, and just not being in business has no bearing on whether you will feel any better than the person who has set up shop, so what I trying to say is that if you just sat down and watched the traffic go by there is good chance you may get depression.
    You do have a likeness to people here on the site in more ways than you think.
    I had a successful self employed business with 6 months work in front of me, but I lost it all because of depression, plus I thought that my family was like a little unit, attached to each other and nothing could ever go wrong, how stupid I was because now I'm divorced and the unit has been broken up.
    So whether you are the mirror image of me that is the opposite of me, still means that somehow we are still attached. Geoff.
  4. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    6313 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to Monash

    Dear Monash

    Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You are welcome because everyone is welcome. There's no checking your credentials or bank balance, and who cares anyway. We are here to talk to each other about those things in life that trouble us. We cannot change the world but we can support you and tell about our experiences if you wish.

    I left my husband 16 years ago and have lived alone ever since. It's great, except for the times when it's not great. And this does happen because we are social creatures, meant to be together. So I get my 'togetherness' outside my home usually, in the activities I have. Sometimes in my home. Last night I hosted my book club. We talked and laughed and we all had a great time, especially me. When they left I breathed a sigh of exhaustion and went to bed. Did the washing up this morning.

    This is only a quick chat as I have to go out in a couple of minutes. I will write more later. Hopefully you will have replied to Paul and Geoff. They have great stories to tell.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to Paul
    Thanks Paul.
  6. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to geoff
    Thanks Geoff.
  7. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to White Rose
    Thanks Mary.
  8. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6313 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to Monash

    Well, I was hoping for something a little more upbeat, but not to worry.

    I wonder what you did for a crust in your working for money days. And as part of that, what did you do when not working. It seems to me that people have their lives organised for when they are not working (at the weekend) and often this morphs into retirement activities. Is it true to say you had no interests outside of work?

    You don't want to be told to take up ballroom dancing which I gather means, make no suggestions on what you could do. Fair enough. What I am trying to work out is what you have done in the past that you want to build on in the future. For example, when I set up my own home I had a study, still have a study, and spent much of my free time researching my family. Then when I retired I could spend many more hours on this. Whether you want to do family history or not is beside the point. My point is that I had interests I wanted to continue doing. So what did you do in your spare time?

    What floats your boat? Do you have a passion for social justice, do you want to climb mountains, visit every state in Oz, be a grey nomad? Only you know what stirs your interest.

    On a different topic, you sound very lonely and unsure of yourself. You say you have nothing in common with anyone here, but if I am correct you have much in common. The people who write in here feel very lost and alone, if only some of the time. And these folk get comfort from having a conversation with someone who has experienced the same feelings. I ask you to have a look round this forum and read the posts written here. How do you feel about responding to some of these people?

    If you go to the last forum on the Online Forums, Community Forums page, you will find a number of online activities. You can talk to the folk in the BB cafe, order whatever you want to eat and drink, lie in the sun, chat to others who are there for company. There are also some word games, a space for jokes and your own poetry. Do you write poetry? I learned how to write Haiku, Japanese poetry, which is the shortest poetry in the world. Three line per poem using 17 syllables in total. 5/7/5. Not as easy as it looks.

    I look forward to your reply.

    Mary

  9. JessF
    JessF avatar
    1548 posts
    18 May 2016 in reply to White Rose

    Hello Monash, Mary has some great suggestions above. When you said "don't tell me to take up ballroom dancing or bowls" I took it to mean that you don't want to be told to do things that older folk stereotypically do. You don't have to!

    You mentioned not being able to play music, for example. Is this something that interests you? It is never too late to learn. You can pick up a guitar quite cheaply these days, and there's so many how to videos on the internet you can spend hours teaching yourself the basics.

    There's nothing to stop you going to university either if there's a subject that intersts you. Google 'oldest person at university' and you'll find pages of stories about people in their 90s who are doing PhDs. There is a world of possibilities out there.

    I sense you have much regret for the things you haven't done in your life thus far, and it's ok to have these feelings. But you still have much time left, and age is not a barrier to learning new things, meeting new people, discovering hidden talents. I hope you'll write back too.

  10. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to JessF
    OK. Thanks for all your responses. I feel I should give you some feedback for all your er feedback.

    Something positive:
    I speak well. I have a good speaking voice. That's something in my genes of course but I do also make a effort to speak well.

    I do have some good friends but I try to keep a distance from them in space and in time because I don't want to 'wear out' those relationships which exist on sort of tacit agreements.
    Friendships mostly live on unspoken appreciation. Nevertheless I wish I could tell my sister that I love her. Where I come from brothers don't say that sort of thing.

    I don't like it when people patronise me. That's what I was driving at when I said (sarcastically) "please don't tell me to take up lawn bowls... "
    If I tell you I am currently trying to do Cert 4 in Information Technology because I thought it might be a good idea my (probably unfair) expectation is for you to patronise me.
    Truth is I'm not very good at studying things. When you do these courses, I've discovered, you are generally expected to know most of the stuff and you just turn up and put in some work and you get high grades.
    I forget things and I don't interact with others in the class. I don't belong there. I'm not going back.

    You don't understand what it is like to realise you don't belong and then have to make the decision to give up. There is often a lot of money involved too.
    This happens frequently for me.

    In the distant past I used to walk out on jobs because I didn't know how to deal with my frustrations. I felt I wasn't listened to.

    Something else I did for a few years was run a radio show (unpaid) on community radio. I eventually gave up because I didn't like the management structure of the place. I left on good terms and occasionally go back.
    I suppose working by myself with only a microphone to talk to was OK for me. I could do what I knew I was good at and didn't have to deal with any interaction.
    Outside the studio I felt I was marginalised and not listened to. It was frustrating so I politely left.

    When I worked in an office for 20 odd years I felt the same way. When I go that job in 1990 I decided I would stick at it instead of drifting from job to job.
    I did stick but there too I felt marginalised most of the time. There were a lot of conflicts but I survived. I was never a manager and nobody ever suggested I become one.

    I just wish someone would sit down with me, a pot of tea and a notepad, and try to work out how I got to be the way I am.

  11. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to Monash

    Sorry I'm not very positive, guys. I appreciate your input. Thanks. I'll try to get an early night and a good sleep and then be more positive tomorrow.

    Thanx.

  12. JessF
    JessF avatar
    1548 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to Monash

    Hello Monash, please don't feel you have to be positive in here all the time. It's wonderful that you've opened up and told us some more about your hobbies and interests. My initial thoughts are that you are being quite hard on yourself, given the efforts you've been making. The study... everyone learns at a different pace. Have you thought about doing some courses online? That way you can pace things out according to what works for you, plus it takes away the anxiety of having to interact with others in person.

    The radio show, that's great. It's a shame you felt you had to give it up. You're still on good terms with the people there. Why not think about going back?

    So much about depression is made worse when we isolate ourselves, and we do it bit by bit. I've done it. I still have to stop myself doing it! If you start taking a little bit of time to restore some of these things, piece by piece, you will start to feel better.

    As for the pot of tea and notepad, happy to put the kettle on! Let's talk.

  13. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6313 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to Monash

    Dear Monash

    When the black dog bites, no one is positive (except maybe the dog). I know all about taking things the wrong way and making assumptions about what others mean etc. I am learning, albeit slowly, to be a little more rational but I am fighting a lifetime's experience.

    I enjoyed my last working for money job. It was a period of great upheaval during which I left my husband of 30 years, built a house, gained promotions at work, and most of all I discovered I had a brain and I got on with people. I too speak well and I am very used to public speaking and conducting training. The reason I managed this final job so well was the great support I had from most of my colleagues. Oh I forgot, how could I, that I fell into a huge depression a year after I left my husband.

    Not a promising set of circumstances. Actually it was dreadful at times but my friends and colleagues were great. I have been discovering ever since that friends really do want to help. Yes I did the same as you, not wanting to bother people, including my family, and then feeling hard done by because no one noticed, or so I thought. So trust your friends and sister.

    You have done so much in your life. I have changed jobs a few times, but usually in a similar area. But you changed more than a job, you have changed professions and it sounds as though you did it without a blink.

    Please believe us all when we say we do not intend to be patronising. I know it sounds a bit like that when I say we have all been in your shoes in some way or other. A phrase I heard that sums that up is We are all broken. And we are. We are repairing ourselves by ourselves and with the help of others. These others are here on BB and in our workplaces and homes. So trust us to want to help you if we can and we want the best for you.

    I do know what it is like to be sidelined. My story is quite long and I will tell you another time. I am running out of word space.

    We have regrets when someone we love dies before we express our love. If you want to tell your sister how you feel, why not write her a letter? It is difficult to say the words, especially when we are not used to saying I love you. If I may suggest, write it down, use your computer because it is easier to edit. Then when you are happy with text, copy it onto lovely writing paper or a card, hand written of course, and present it to her. Perhaps a birthday or Christmas or another significant date.

    Please chat some more. Jess has the kettle on.

    Mary

  14. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    22 June 2019

    I don't belong anywhere. I wouldn't know what depression was. I wouldn't know what loneliness was. I wouldn't know what failure was. I am not like anybody else. I don't know how other people live. When I think I am normal I make mistakes, wrong decisions. I don't have anyone to talk to. It doesn't matter.

    FYI: I don't like dogs or cats.

  15. deprees8
    deprees8 avatar
    13 posts
    22 June 2019 in reply to Monash

    hi Monash

    you are not along. i am exactly like you except that i love dogs and i tolerate cats. we all have our down days and believe me when i say that i am going through it now. i dont know what else to say except you aren't alone there are many many people in this world exactly like you and we do have to stick together and help each other out when we are down. so heres a hug from me to you and hope this finds you better than i am :)

    2 people found this helpful
  16. JessF
    JessF avatar
    1548 posts
    25 June 2019 in reply to Monash
    Hello Monash, I'm glad you felt comfortable coming back here to talk again. The kettle has been on for quite a while! What's been happening for you since you last posted?

    It's sounding like you're feeling a bit out of place, like you can't connect with anyone or anything at the moment. That feeling of belonging needs to come from within, but I hope you will trust me when I say there's always people for you to talk with here, and a place for you to be heard, no matter how bad things get. Hope to hear from you again soon.
  17. Monash
    Monash avatar
    9 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to JessF

    Hi JessF

    I'm sorry I was away for so long.

    These days I feel alone. I don't like to burden my friends with my worries. Most nights I can't sleep so I lie in bed listening to Radio National in the dark. I have decided to give you a "go" and try to explain myself to you. However, you'll have to let go of thinking I am a normal person.

    A few years a go I had an office job and one of the young women was showing me a procedure on the computer. I don't recall what I said but she remarked, good naturedly, that I was "hard work." I took it in good spirit but I realised I am hard work for people. But once I am out of the room I'm not hard work for them anymore.

    But everybody is hard work for me all the time. I can never really say what I want to say or express the anger I have, for no apparent reason. I have no reason to be angry. I am generally a jokey sort of person, trying to fit in and not make people feel uncomfortable.

    Must go now.

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