At the very beginning of the year my ex had left me ( cheated on me ) and I was really struggling mentally. I’ve always had anxiety but this had made it a thousand times worse. I couldn’t sleep, eat, drink or even be in the room/bed we shared together. I found myself sleeping on my friends couch most nights.
I eventually moved in with said friend because I couldn’t deal being in that place anymore, I had to get away from everything that reminded me of her.
Since then lockdown has happened, ive been unemployed, haven’t seen my parents or brothers. I’ve sat alone everyday with my own thoughts basically eating me away.
I constantly wake up in panic thinking about death, that I’m dying or that something is wrong and I don’t know why.
I know most people are struggling with lockdown right now but not seeing my parents and my brothers is really getting to me.
Everyday I just feel this big wave of sadness over me and the second I feel some sort of happiness that wave comes back crashing my thoughts.
I’ve had really deep and dark thoughts about my life that I wouldn’t dare tell anybody that I know because I wouldn’t want to worry them. I scare myself sometimes and it makes me physically ill.
I had a job lined up that I was hoping would get me out of here to take my mind off things but I wasn’t able to get it because I needed my FL license and wasn’t able to get it without a “ work permit “ because of lockdown.
I can’t go out and do things to distract myself, I can’t see my family and I just don’t know what to do at this point.
I feel like life is just passing by and I don’t know how to cope with it anymore.
im currently writing this at 6:20 am with 0 hours sleep, I’ve been laying in bed staring at my ceiling tossing and turning for majority of the night.
I eat 1 meal a day if I’m lucky and barely leave my room.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.