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Topic: My partner is suffering I need advice please

  1. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    27 June 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    I’ve gone to my parents and I feel bad because I’m upset and not talkative as I’m not really having space to grieve

    it’s really hard ans now I have two hour day commute for work

    he Is feeling bad and keeps telling me he loves me and said I could still store things at the unit

    he says he hopes to get things sorted as soon as he can etc and keeps telling how much I’m doing this for him and he appreciates it

    lost my dog in March now my family it’s really tough but obviously I hope he gets better

  2. Here2Talk
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    276 posts
    27 June 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    It would be very difficult for you Josephine. Like some others that have posted above, I feel it's a bit too much to expect someone to move out while you "get better". To be physically separated from someone after you have lived together would create a kind of pain in your loved one. Clearly that is happening to you. He understands that is causing pain so at least he is not oblivious to how this is affecting you. But then again I guess like how long is this going to go on? Some people get over things quickly, others take a long time... In the end you are the judge..

    No you wouldn't have space to grieve - he has kicked you out of your "space" (well, you two came to an agreement on the issue anyway). I feel like I wouldn't have asked someone to move out of my place.. So you've moved in with your parents? You have a right to be upset dear Josephine. Sorry you lost your doggie. That would be really tough.

  3. Lillylane
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    27 June 2021 in reply to Josephine77
    Big hugs Josephine! I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost your beloved dog. You’ve had so much heartache.

    Lillylane
    1 person found this helpful
  4. jtjt_4862
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    27 June 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    This must be very hard on you. Not having space to grieve (both from your relationship, and the loss of your dog), and also have to commute 2 hours each day for work, all in the hopes that your partner will be able to sort himself out without your presence in the space that you once used to share with him. I'm really sorry to hear that :(. I hope things will turn out better for you soon Josephine...

    Jt

  5. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt

    so since I left he is contacting me to say hello and chat to me I hope this is a good sign.

    im also receiving counselling myself through work as they are trying give me support

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Learn to Fly
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    Learn to Fly avatar
    240 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    Thank you for letting us know how are you going as there is quite a few people here (including me) who care about what’s happening with you.

    You are going through tremendous changes and sacrificing a lot for him to get back in the track. I know you have been communicating well and this came as a mutual agreement.
    but what is he doing to try to sort his problems out? You have agreed to a lot of things to help him out. What about his input? Has he started seeing a Counsellor or undergoing a therapy?

    Take care there.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly

    Thank you for being here for me all that have replied. I have good and bad moments. He is keeping in touch a lot and asking about how I am and my dad and he maybe unwell we are awaiting test results. It’s just all so much to take in. I miss the dog too it’s just all so horrible I feel like I’ve been punished like a person who gets kicked out after doing wrong to their partner even tho we know I’m not at fault and it’s out of my control. I’ve given up a lot overnight and I hope there is a good outcome. I have to give myself self care now and continue to work out a strategy to cope with living with family . I’m very appreciative I have family to go to.

    I hope you all are well too.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    1 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    So he is keeping in contact like he promised I just find it difficult because well I’m hurting

    he will even send me good morning messages and it been him do all the contact first since

    I just don’t know how to act atm

    any advice

    I’m not trying to be distant with him but I find it hard

  9. jtjt_4862
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    1 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    I'm really sorry to hear about how you're feeling at the moment. While the separation might seem temporary, but it's still a break up. His constant (and self-initiation) of messages to you might make you feel confused and hurt, and you're afraid of hurting him if you voice out your needs. It is very strong and brave of you to be putting up with this.

    Please remember to take care of yourself first, and don't be afraid to voice out to him if you need some space for yourself. I feel, he could use the space himself as well, which will give him more time and focus to work on his own problems (which he initially requested for anyways). Requesting for your own space is not an act of selfishness, but an act of self-love. Show yourself some self-love Josephine. You've done a lot of sacrifices for his needs, and it's now time to do things for yourself. Your ex will be fine on his own.

    Take care, and happy to chat more to you too Josephine.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Yes I am very brave I don’t know how I’m doing it to be honest it’s with a heavy heart

    he did tell me he didn’t want to be distant and he has kept his word so far.

    I honestly only get back to him when he contacts because he asked for space so I gave it.
    I will take myself to the hairdressers tomorrow for some self love

    3 people found this helpful
  11. Lillylane
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    2 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77
    Josephine, I admire your resilience. It’s understandable to have a heavy heart right now.

    A visit to the hairdressers is a great idea.

    I’m glad to hear you’re receiving counselling through work. That is really positive.

    I agree with JT - you’ve done so much for others. Time to show yourself some love.

    Take care,
    Lillylane
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi

    so he ended up initiating to catch up after I told him I was struggling

    it was such a nice day and he was the warmest I’ve seen him towards me in a long time. He still looks unwell from stress etc and he was a bit choked up at times when discussing his well being. He was very affectionate and when he was leaving which it felt like he didn’t want to do the way he kissed me I felt like I was in a movie scene

    He text me all night after the day however since Monday he’s been quiet

    I don’t understand this if I have a need to text he responds immediately but def gone quiet

    Maybe he struggles with this like me as he said I’m not sure what to think

    j

  13. jtjt_4862
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    14 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    Thank you for posting an update. Really glad to hear from you again.

    It's great to hear that the two of you were able to meet up once more, and had a great time together. Something to keep in mind is, a person going through depression can change on how they feel from day to day. Think of it as, on the night of your day out together, you were both still connected with each other. But on the next day, they're back to fighting their own battles (the battle would be a mixture of mental health related issues / finances / temporary separation from you which is still considered a break up). It's a lot for one person to be taking on all three things, and like you said, he's probably still struggling about the relationship as much as you are.

    Perhaps he's still afraid about staying distant with you, but is struggling about it because he feels the need for space for himself to better himself first. Did he mention anything about how he's progressing with getting professional help for his mental health issues?

    If I may also ask, how are you feeling today Josephine?

    Jt

  14. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt

    im At a hotel for the night so I can have some space to be upset. I feel like I’m the one who has hit rock bottom it’s all just so hard to take in

    trying to find a rental is so exhausting and difficult

    the hurtful part for me is he changed his relationship with me, but hasn’t pushed anyone else out? I find the difficult to digest and process.

    I feel les tolerant to work and everything in general atm. I’m seeing a work HSO and she will forward my details to a psychologist.
    he said he has looked at a couple of the apps I sent.

    he got choked up talking about his mental well being and said he’s not selfish enough to hurt himself

    I kindly told him I worry about that all the time but didn’t push anything

    he was ok to talk to me about the financial issues . Usually he gets a bit shirty with me.

    he said to me to come around for coffee to see the dog is I wanted to just let him know

    that doesn’t work for me that will cause me more anxiety going back there I can’t eat properly as it is now I just have no appetite but I eat small amounts because I know I have to

    i though about telling him where I am tonight but I’m unsure because he has been quiet so I thought I would leave him alone. He discussed when he gets his car back the dog can come next time

    I still can’t believe this is all happening

  15. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    he keeps telling me that his family and him love me I’m just unsure why that’s relevant if they do

    Hi s brother contacts me to see how I’m going which is really nice

    and is helping me create some business cards for my side business

  16. jtjt_4862
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    15 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    That sounds like a great idea, have some space to yourself to let your emotions out. It'll help with your healing. I can understand how hard it is for you to take in. It's a lot of confusion when the communication is still there, but you're hurt and lost from trying to understand why did he want to keep you at a distant to sort out his own problems. Furthermore, as you said, why hasn't he pushed anyone else out but you. I had the same thought when my ex did that to me too, and just concluded with "Only she can decide who is allowed in her support network, and unfortunately I'm not one of them. I'm just a mere friend to her now. But I'll be cheering for her silently on the sides". He might be embarrassed to have you in his support network, and afraid he might hurt you, even though you really want to support him through his tough times.

    You've done a lot for him already, and you're very strong to be doing this for him. Hopefully he understands that what he has requested from you, he is doing this for himself, and not for his family... Otherwise, it is unfair of him to keep you at a distant, but still want you to be with him. It might be hard for him to understand the damage that he has done on you, so don't be afraid to be honest with him. Show yourself some compassion and self-love. You're truly a wonderful person Josephine. It's also really nice of his family to be caring for you as well, perhaps they can be your contact point to check on how he is doing instead of you contacting him directly.

    I hope you'll be able to find something to eat. Maybe your favourite food and beverage to give yourself some love. I'm glad to hear you're seeking assistance from your work HSO. You're doing great for yourself!

    Happy to chat with you more Josephine, take care of yourself.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi there

    so I am in hospital with pancreatitis and What I take from this is I need to stop pause and look after myself first

    he has been calling and bringing me things I need but because of covid no one can visit

    hopedukly they don’t operate all of this experience lately has really opened my eye for the better

    Have anew puppy in my life now too dad bought one for the family which makes him very happy and myself and mum

    Josephine

  18. jtjt_4862
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    Oh dear, I hope you'll get better soon. Look after yourself better, because you really deserve better for all that you've done and have gone through. Perhaps, to put a positive note on covid, at least having no visitors helps you so you can have some space from others to heal from the break up. Congratulations on the new puppy! What breed is it? Has your family given it a name yet?

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    20 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt

    I agree with you

    we named him Yuma

    bringing lots of joy to everyone

    just had another scan hope to get discharged tonight

    i am enjoying the space

    Josephine

  20. Lillylane
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    344 posts
    20 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77
    I hope you’re feeling better soon Josephine!

    New pup sounds wonderful :)
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Slowly on the mend

    puppy is wonderful brings me so much joy and love

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Lillylane
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    28 July 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine,

    Wishing you well in your recovery.
    Lovely to hear you have a very special puppy in your life.

    Sorry about my previous reply below... I started to type then dropped my phone.

    Take care,

    L.

  23. Lillylane
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    28 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Sorry - what I’ve written below probably doesn’t make sense... I thought I’d accidentally posted a one letter reply, before dropping my phone, but it seems it didn’t appear after all.

    All good, my apologies.

    Best wishes to you Josephine and all on this thread.

  24. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    30 November 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi everyone sorry I vanished I became quite sick and ended up having my gallbladder out.
    whilst I was sick I started seeing the entire picture better and him for what he really is

    the way he shoved my belongings under the dog bed etc I’ve never felt as low as I have been since that

    he Has continued to be nasty to me in the past few months and didn’t repay me all the money he owed me

    He also upset me my birthday week this month he just can’t seem to help himself

    so I blocked him 3 weeks ago and I’ve never felt such relief

    I can now move forward with my life and heal from it all and start a fresh new year in 2022

    i hope you all are really well I’ve missed the chats

    j

  25. Lillylane
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    30 November 2021 in reply to Josephine77
    Hi Josephine,

    It’s great to hear from you again! Thanks so much for the update.

    How very unpleasant and painful it is to discover your ex’s true colours!! However, I’m so relieved for you! It opens the door to moving on. And some much happier times are ahead for you I’m sure.

    How is puppy doing? I imagine he’s grown quite a bit? I would love to have a dog, but I think my cats may not be keen on the idea :)

    Very glad for you Josephine and admire the strength and determination you’ve had throughout all of this.

    Lillylane
  26. Josephine77
    Josephine77 avatar
    32 posts
    1 December 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Lillyanne

    I just couldn’t see clearly with brain fog - it is very difficult to understand why someone could do those things however all I know is I don’t need or want anyone like that in my life

    puppy is so good he is so big and has helped me with this journey lately

    he is 6 months now and is huge!

    yea I don’t think the cats would approve hahaha

    Its really nice to connect again

  27. jtjt_4862
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    1 December 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Hi Josephine77,

    Great to hear from you again. Hope you're recovering well from your gallbladder operation. It's great to hear that you're doing well moving forward from your past, and definitely better times are ahead of ya. Keep it up champ :).

    Regards

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Josephine77
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    32 posts
    7 December 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thanks jt I’m moving in to bigger and better things for my life and for what I deserve

    j

  29. Learn to Fly
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    240 posts
    8 December 2021 in reply to Josephine77

    Always great to hear from you, Josephine77 and it is good to hear lots of things have cleared up for you and made you feel stronger and better. This is all in the past now and it’s great to hear your positivity for the future.

    Take care.

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