It's sunday morning and I am feeling tentative, a bit nauseous, physically feel very heavy and as if my corpuscles are stodgy and moving slowly.
Every day I will do a guided meditation - just 15 - 30 mins - the last two days I have fallen asleep very quickly. that's ok - tells me where my body is at.
Visiting my friends for a couple of hours yesterday was great. We played mahjong and had lunch. I told them about my sadness over the house mate. whilst pleasant, their reaction was less "how do you feel" and more "what are you going to do to get another house mate?".
I think the comfort eating is also affecting my sleep. I did the F&V shopping yesterday and have to commit myself to some simple cooking rather than fast eating. easier said than done. When I feel overwhelmed and need comforting sugary food brings fast relief - addictive drug - I drove through the McDonald's after the F&V shopping. I signed up for Noom to track my eating but haven't actually used it.
All things seem hard ATM. with the lack of energetic brain waves, I had decided to do some simple housework. If I am going to avoid all the real work, at least do something semi-productive.
I can see my past pattern - I have a long long list of things I believe MUST be done - and that I am behind with them all. I can see that thinking re-emerging. I then live with both Damocles Sword and Sisyphus - constantly pushing and all that happens is, not success, but the sword drops.
my intellect immediately challenges that and says : yes - she is moving out - celebrate 3 great years and all she taught and helped get through the grief. Yes - workload can be huge / deadline tight sometimes - celebrate happy clients generating more work. All things don't have to be done right now. Yes I am using some stuffs to avoid doing the hard work - get SOME hard work done and then have a break with SOME easy stuffs. I don't have to believe all the emotions and all the inner dialogue. It's just old patterns.
BTW: I do belong to 2 volunteer organisations - where I have turned down the tap due to work busyness. But I attempt to maintain contact / friends - thus the mahjong ladies yesterday.
occasionally I need some contact more in-depth.
Logging today has been useful. I feel more balanced now. more accepting. let's see how today goes.