I’m not new to these forums but I haven’t posted in ages.
I’ve been struggling with depression, some anxiety and near constant suicidal thoughts for a few years now.
I tried to reach out to a GP and found the process humiliating and unproductive - I left with little more than a pat on the back and vague suggestions to “make some life changes”. Since this bad experience I have resisted going back even though I know I really should.
I recently settled on a method of dying that suits me and I have acquired everything I need, but I have no specific time or date set to go through with it. I guess I’m waiting to reach a threshold of desperation or agitation that will allow me to overcome any reservations. I don’t anticipate that this will happen anytime soon unless something happens that puts me in a bad place.
I used to have some outlets I could use that would help me feel better, usually outdoor activities, but now I can’t get the motivation together to even really try. I have become very unfit which has fed negatively into already terrible self image.
It also probably doesn’t help that I live on my own a fair way out of town, I don’t really get any visitors, and having to drive over an hour to work is an hour each way that I’m left with no distractions from my own thoughts.
I have a full time job which I have a love/hate relationship with. There are aspects of it that bring me great satisfaction, but it is also the direct cause of a lot of the issues I now have to deal with, esp. anxiety.
The live entertainment industry has a terrible track record for mental health outcomes, even before COVID ruined everything. I have lost several of my friends to suicide.
In the build up to a large event it’s normal to have some pre gig nerves. These days though the pre gig jitters has morphed into something closer to a state of panic, although I am good at hiding it.
It’s all I’ve known since high school however and I don’t think I have the courage to start from scratch doing something new. I also worry about being able to support myself, if I have to start again at the bottom. I already struggle financially.
I guess the point to all this is that I don’t know what to do, where to go from here, how to get myself some help. To be honest if help was offered I’m not 100% sure I would follow it because I think I do actually want to die. And yet I’m writing this post in this space so who knows ?
Thanks for listening anyway.