I feel for you so much as you face the overwhelming challenge of coming to understand yourself. It can definitely be both a depressing and liberating experience, coming to know our self. I know, may sound strange to refer to the process of self understanding as partially depressing but it can be depressing when we're searching for answers we feel we just can't find.
Myself, I came out of my 15 year relationship with depression after my son was born. He's 14 now and his sister is 17. She caught the last three years of me in depression so I understand the guilt that can come from feeling like you're subjecting your child to your own mental health issues. It took some time for me to overcome such guilt. I forgave myself by facing the truth: I raised myself, every time, for her. She helped raise me too, with every hug and consoling word. We were a team when it came to me finding my way out of depression. I also realised there wasn't a huge amount of positive chemistry running through my brain during those years.
In search of self understanding, the turning point for me came during PND group therapy. When we mums were asked to give the facilitator a list of our traits, up they went on the whiteboard...lethargy, bouts of anger, overwhelming sadness, intolerance, frustration, self hate and the list went on and on. I recall thinking 'If we all experience these, this can't just be me'. This is when things clicked for me 'These are the traits of depression, they're not my traits'. If this was depression and not me, who was I? My quest to know began. For more than a decade, I've been raising myself to know who I naturally am. It's been quite a trip.
I feel it's important you know how often you've raised yourself. It's so easy in depression to see how often we're 'failing'. We forget how often we've raised our self. For a start, every time you've come out of that bathroom you've raised yourself to the challenge of being there for your kids. Every time you have tried to understand what brings you down, you've raised yourself to seek greater consciousness. You've raised yourself to seek professional help, which is something not all people can achieve. It would be an easy bet, to bet you have raised yourself in more ways than you can count. I look back at my own years in depression and I'm amazed how often I raised myself through such debilitating mental chemistry.
My question is 'Is your therapist raising you to greater self understanding?'
Take care :)