Since Easter i have been struggling with depression that seems to be getting heavier and heavier.
I live in one state where a daughter and son-in-law live, I have another daughter, son-in-law and grandsons in another state.
My struggle is wanting to be available for both of them.
I've started thinking about moving house so that I live halfway between the two. Im only daunts me due cost and finding accommodation, I currently live in government housing its beautiful, I'm the first tenant here
I dont know what to do.
I'm also dealing with a sexual assault, the ongoing investigation, its left me isolated, confined to my house, I no longer trust the police, people, crowds etc
Im not getting more than 3-4 hours sleep at night, my brain just doesn't shut off. I have to remind myself to eat. I struggle with mental health, childhood abuse and sexual assault my depression, anxiety CPTSD worse. It is totally debilitating, even the simplest things are hard. It takes away my ability to accomplish anything, I start but can't finish.
I've spoken to my Dr, who I have a lot of trust in. I used to see a psych about the sexual assault but have stopped as I dont think its making much difference, I'm still having nightmares and flashbacks, after 2 years I feel I'm wasting his time. The one thing that's a constant in my life is taking my meds. As I said to my Dr im too bloody scared of what might happen if I stopped.
I'm tired of the pain and struggle and trauma and rejection and loss. I'm tired of knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I was never healthy, never whole, never able to do the things I wanted to do, never had a real life. It's too much and I don't want to do it anymore. But I will, because I have to, just like when I was a child, when I thought it would all be better when I grew up, but now I know I will never grow up, not in the parts that hurt, that are unwanted, that are and always will be a tiny creature crying out with unmet needs. That's what I was born to and will never escape from.
I find I'm thinking about death a lot, making sure all my papers etc are altogether. That people know where they are., but I'm not actively thinking about ending my life its just an overwhelming feeling of being trapped with memories of hurt and pain, unloved and unwanted. I have told my Dr this as well.
I am really at a loss of where to turn or what to do. I go to bed at night and dread the dark hours that will lead to another day the same as the one before.